The Edmonton Oilers need a lot of things to go right this season in order to make the playoffs. You never feel good about the prospects for the season when you find your analysis of the team contains a lot of sentances starting with "If..."
Other than goaltending and a PP that looks very dangerous on paper, the Oilers have a lot "If" situations. Most specifically, scoring goals, contributions from rookies, and a revamped blueline. But there are a few guys in particular who hold the key to the success or lack thereof in 2007-08:
1) Jarret Stoll
The season basically started to tank last year when he got hurt. He was playing the best hockey of his career, and was dominating games every night. Everyone wants to see him take a hit to test the head, and I'm sure he wants to get it out of the way as well. If he comes through the first month unscathed, expect Lowe to lock him up to a 5 or 6 year deal fairly quickly.
2) Ales Hemsky
He's not going to shoot...just get over it. While the guy is a joy to watch, the production has to start catching up to the oohs and aahs. The Oil still don't have a natural finisher to compliment him, so he will be counted on to make chicken salad out of Dustin Penner and Shawn Horcoff...until Derek Boogard decapitates him in Game #4.
3) Robert Nilsson
Yeah, I said it, Ro-bear Neal-son. The hole on right wing was pretty big before Pisani went down, but you could drive a truck full of Greener's noses through it now. Nilsson has been pencilled in on the 2nd line and it's his job to lose. We know he has tons of skill, (possibly 2nd only to Hemsky) and he's put up big numbers at the AHL level, but he's yet to stick at the NHL level. Some have argued that getting out of Long Island - where I think Wade Dubielewicz has just been named Director of Scouting - will be the cure. If that's true, a productive campaign from 'Mini-Magic' will go a long way towards solving some of the Oil's scoring woes.
4) Joni Pitkanen
Seems an obvious enough choice, but the Oilers now have a glutton of puck moving defenceman (geez, did you ever think you'd hear that) and Pitkanen might be counted on in an even more important role - the shutdown guy. Aside from good puck movers, last years' defence also lacked a pairing to play against the opposition's top line. It's not going to be Souray, Tarnstrom, Grebeshkov or Gilbert. Smid and Greene are not there yet, which has all signs pointing to Pitkanen and Staios. Although he's only in his 3rd year, Pitkanen has the size, skating and all-around game to be that guy. But will he?
5) Raffi Torres
I listened to an interview with Raffi last night in which he talked about his off-season dedication to training. Just as important were his comments about his non-dedication in the past and growing up. He's got a girlfriend that lives with him now and says he didn't drink all summer. Hopefully 'drink' was a broad term that also covered all the other substances he's been, ahem, rumored to enjoy. As frustrating as he is to watch sometimes, I understand why it's so hard to trade or give up on him. He's a destroyer, and he can score. When he's involved physically he can change a game, even a series as he showed in the playoffs. I don't think Raffi is an 'if' this year. He'll score 25-30.
Next up: The Rookies
Saturday, September 15
Driving The Bus
Just Ducky
At the start of each season we invariably have to hear about the Stanley Cup hangover. A theory invented by lazy journalists (fucking Howard Berger) that's supposed to explain why the teams that made it to the Stanley Cup Finals the year before have a tough time recapturing that form. Well, having lived through 'the season after,' I can assure you it has nothing to do with motivation, or "thinking it will be easy" or even the lame "now teams are gunning for us" excuse. It has to do with injury and fatigue.
The Oilers and Hurricanes played until the middle of June in '06. They played three weeks to two months longer than 28 other teams, in some of the most physical, punishing games of their lives. During the '07 season, many of the Oilers and Hurricanes spoke about the fact that injuries sustained in the playoffs were carried into last season because their bodies never had time to heal.
Which leads me to the Selanne/Niedermayer situation. Will they or won't they? Living in Los Angeles, I've grown tired of the local sports pages talking about this quasi-soap opera, which is greatly detracting from coverage of O.J's home-grown Vegas sting operation. Genius.
As a fan of a team playing in the Western Conference, I hope these guys hang it up. But my gut tells me they'll both be back by mid-season. They're bruised, beat-up and just want a break. I think that was the plan since the day they won the Cup. Would they have signed Schneider to a big contract before knowing if these guys were gonna retire? They knew they would have cap trouble. Plus, when you have the resumes that those two have you get to do shit like this. Think big, cuddly Burkie Bear would have held a roster spot open if Joe DiPenta came knocking on his door? Hell no...he would have traded him to Edmonton for Ales Hemsky and two #1 picks.
Director of Handjobs?
Oilers camp is open! Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! This is my final day visiting family in Canada (a true Eklund opener if I've ever seen one) and as such my final chance to open up those hallowed pages of the Edmonton Journal and get some good, down home reporting. Couple interesting notes, followed by a rebuttal to Greener's clever repartee. I guess I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Push that Volvo Greener! I'm not doin it right, huh?
Soooo, first of all, it seems that about half the returning Oilers took part in off season "Team" training. This is a new phenomenon (doo-dooooo-do-do-do) where, rather than each player following their own offseason training schedule, about 15 of the Oil did the same prep. Chad Moreau, brother to gummy Oiler Ethan Moreau (voted most handsome guy at some bar one time), is a professional trainer who mixes hard off ice training with some hockey specific stuff. Apparently he even had them doing Ultimate Fighting training. I'm happy that the guys are doing this sort of team building exercise re: kicking the snot out of each other. What is exciting about this though, is that they have already gone through a battle together, before the team has played one game, and that Ethan is traditionally one of the most fit guys on the team due to his brothers regime, so if 15 of the Oil are in that kind of shape, third period wobblies may be a thing of the past. One final note here, apparently mohawked ne'er-do-well (Award to me for being the first to use that in a post) Raffi Torres just came out and admitted he's always been bad for the off season training and that this is the first year he actually got in shape away from the regular season. Phew!
Also, early rumors have it that Schremp is showing signs of making an impact at camp. Is it possible? Have the dreadfully thin on the front end Oilers finally decided to give a chance to one of their most gifted and offensively talented prospects? Has MacT waived his iron clad "Only Defensive Forwards" clause? No wait. Oh! They're bringing up Detlef Schrempf, Semi-All-Star retired Seattle Supersonic, ahead of Robbie. I love this team.
See ya at the airport!
Washingtron
Friday, September 14
New Leafs Uniforms: Perfection Not Messed With
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Thursday, September 13
NHL 08 is ooot!
Hey gang (and Greener),
Well, that special time of year for all hockey fans under the age of 40 has finally come. The latest iteration of NHL hockey for whatever video game system you happen to get your groove on with. Poor little EA NHL '0? has long suffered from being a crappy, unfocused, arcade like game, while 2K Sports' have traditionally been much closer to sim hockey without any of the bells and whistles like presentation etc. I had been a 2K convert despite having played the old NHL Hockey on my friend Nicolas Bass' Sega Genesis (which led me to pretend to mow my parents lawn enough to buy myself one) for some time. I always wanted the sim experience, not the race up the middle one timer auto-goal experience that EA offered. Last year I switched back because the revolutionary Total Control right thumbstick controls your stick system was the greatest thing in history. EA's NHL 07 was amazing for that feature and that feature alone. Sadly, it still lacked in many other areas, like the franchise mode, or the fact that your team was made up primarily of retards and mongrels who didn't know anything about the game of hockey. Probably how Moose and Greener feel when playing with me in real life.
I'm here to tell you though that EA has it right this year. They added a new skating system. No Turbos (like last year) to hold down the entire game. But also no skating at full speed no matter what direction you press on your thumbstick. Now its entirely touch sensitive, push the stick a little, you push off and glide, roll the thumbstick right and downwards and you do a lovely cross over turn maintaining your speed. You can actually wrong foot defencemen by catching them leaning one way or another. The pace and the weight of the game all feel so real, finally, its the game I always dreamed of but never existed.
Now I haven't had much time at all with the game as I'm still on my gajillion year sojourn from those sunny shores of Greener's back yard, but I'm told that the AI is adaptive. Score the same way a couple times, move the same places on the ice, make the same passes, and the computer will adjust.
And the passing! No longer can you just hit the pass button three times in rapid succession to get the puck out. If you are skating away from the player you want to pass to, well, its gonna be a weak back handed pass. You have to have your stick and player in the appropriate positions to get that puck to its target. The puck isn't just going to slide through a defenders skates either, they always seem to be in position and they're gonna get that puck if its near em. And they've added the saucer pass! You wanna chuck the puck into some open ice through a couple players, give 'er!
The dynasty mode is not changed really, other than the addition of all AHL teams, so if you have you send a player to the minors they actually go to your farm team. Oh, and they fixed that minor bug where year to year your players wouldn't improve. Yeah. That sort of got in the way.
The last cool little detail is the create-a-play mode. You can create and store up to 70 different plays, and the coolest part is that you don't call the play, your players, when in the correct areas, will just automatically start them. Write in a 2-on-1 play where you cross after the blueline and swing back up the boards while your teammate heads to the slot and next time you are on a 2 on 1 and start that move, your teammate will know where to go.
All in all, whoa. From the second I started playing it felt like a brand new game of hockey. I haven't played 2K8 yet, I understand they've ripped off EA with the "ProStick", but that the game doesn't implement it as well. 2K's franchise mode seems far superior, but its the feel of the gameplay I'm excited about, and the flow and pace of the game.
I'd like to take this opportunity to challenge Greener to an NHL 08-a-thon. Much trash talking and confidence has come from both of us, and perhaps our friendship will hang in the balance, but its time. The game has finally caught up with our imaginations. Oh, and some day I'll post about the not particularly healthy method that Greener has of playing an entire 10 year dynasty as his hated Ottawa Senators in order to run their franchise into the ground. Can you believe that? Admittedly, in the interest of wanting a true sim experience I've played that way with the Oilers, but that's just reality. But greener! He'll play 10 years, trade away all his best players, and lose on purpose! I can picture him in a dark apartment, shades drawn, empty coke cans strewn about, and Greeners face, awash in the blue glow of the TV, cackling wildly. It keeps me up at night...
Wash!
Tuesday, September 11
Leafs In Camp: Someone's Getting Excited!
I'm just watching some fantastic tape of the Leafs reporting for camp on Leafs TV. Mats, McCabe, Kaberle, Vesa Toskala. Interesting one with Mark Bell as well. I have to say, I've been really impressed with Bell all summer. It's amazing how well he handles the endless questions about undoubtedly the worst time in his life. He's never surly or petulant, and never self-righteous. Consider how many athletes get pissed at reporters when they're asked about a scoring slump or a soft goal, and it gives you a sense of how mature Mark Bell is. I mean, Jesus Christ, you couldn't even talk to Ed Belfour on game-day! When asked about everything, Bell smiles and gives the usual pat answers about learning from his mistakes, and being prepared to make amends for them, but you get the sense that he actually means it. And if he does, then more of his center will be intact, which means more of his energy will be on the ice, with the Leafs.
What can you say about Mats? Goddamn it he is such a stud. Just watch his interview and you'll see what I mean. I know when I talk about Mats I start to come off gay, but I just don't care. He stands there like the Captain of the most important hockey team in the world, and it makes me so fucking proud of our team, I just want to go and kick the shit out of Moose a bunch of times. See? I'm excited.
Please note that in all of these clips is Howard Berger, who, as he stands there earning money for talking to some of the greatest athletes in the world, is probably looking at his watch the whole time wondering what the lunch special will be at Gretzky's that day.
Friday, September 7
Wednesday, September 5
Correspondence From Our Correspondents
Blogging: It's fun! That sure is what I've found since I started He Score, He Shoot!. It's very rewarding to take time and effort and write something cool for people to read and enjoy. I've made a lot of effort to make it great in three ways:
- Try and write provocative, funny and interesting things, making this blog different from all the others.
- Do behind the scenes things like getting us hooked in the Blog data bases, search engines, and other like-minded blogs to get as many people as possible to come and read our posts.
- Invite three other people to come on and write as many...uh oh.
Case in point: Washingtron. A lovely guy with a big heart and an even bigger love for hockey/the Oilers. I brought up doing the blog to him and he loved the idea, and he really wanted to be a part of it. Two months and two posts later, I'm the one of us breathing hard behind the Volvo.
Wash has been away on what can only be called a year long vacation where his only real responsibility is to eat all the steak his wonderful and understanding girlfriend puts in front of him. Let's just say that Wash has it so easy, he would have been envied by the French Royal Family. To prove my point, here is an excerpt from an actual e-mail exchange I arranged with his highness. Prepare to be sick.
Me: Hi Wash, how are you man?
Wash: I'm fine, thank you. And you? Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?
M: Hey man, long time no talk. What have you been up to?
W: I was in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada for a wedding and now I'm in Atlanta, Georgia for a comedy festival, and then I go to Toronto for the International Film Festival. After that I'm back to being me, and I will write another two entries to tide everyone over for at least another year.
M: So, you're one of the posters on this blog, right?
W: I am.
M: You've posted just twice in two months, what the hell is your problem?
W: Well, being the only person that reads my blog, I feel more qualified than anyone to answer this question. I don't know.
M: Do you actually consider yourself a "busy" person?
W: Rather. I certainly have "busy" hands.
M: Please name three (3) people less busy than you.
W: I suppose the other three posters on He Score, He Shoot... that's its name right?
M: How much time have you spent this week, "...just daydreaming... "
W: Not nearly enough.
M: Hey Wash, thanks for your time. I know all this typing you've done over the past 2 minutes must have made you awful tired. Any final thoughts for the readers?
W: Well obviously not...
You see what I'm talking about? It's gotten so bad that Now I'm posting Oilers stories. I don't want to post Oilers stories, that's not what I signed up for. The chicks. Now that's what I signed up for.
In conclusion, I want to thank the people who come to read He Score, He Shoot! Please keep enjoying it as much as I hate pushing cars out of snowbanks.
Tuesday, September 4
Pisani Sick. Mrs. Souray Sure to Demand Trade
The Oils' Fernando Pisani announced on Tuesday that he is sick with a condition known as ulcerative colitis. As if the Oilers year could get worse, now their troubles come under the clause for Acts of God. It's like if there was a mudslide that swept away Rexall Place and they had to forfeit a game. It's ridiculous.
At least though, Oiler fans, you don't have it as bad as Fernando. Colitis is rough. I had a best friend one time who had Crohns Disease, Colitis' lesser cousin, and it rocked the fuck out of him. Before going into hospital to have 3 feet of his intestines removed, he got so thin that I could put him thumb and middle finger around his biceps. It was insane.
It even changed his personality. A few weeks after he was released from hospital, I met up with him at a restaurant to have lunch. He showed up wearing his baggy blue hospital pyjama pants, long blue hospital robe, a t-shirt with hammer and sickle with "CCCP" written on, and a bunch of gold chains. Oh, wait, and a red bandanna around his head. And sunglasses. I mean, I liked 12 Monkeys as much as the next guy, but this was a bit much.
We walked around after we ate and as we stood behind some people at a cross-walk, he would pretend to punch them in the back of the head. It was horrible, he had flipped his lid. Crohns flipped his lid.
I'm not intending at all to make light of Pisani's illness. He's a good guy, player and teammate, and I really hope he gets better. All the shit with my friend was a long time ago, so maybe they're way better at treating all that. Actually, I bet they are. Let's write the team or the hospital or just wish good things for Fernando and his family. Whatever your thing is like that, try and do it.
Sunday, September 2
FACT!
NORTE: Dispatch, this desk. Fact: I have never eaten a Filet o Fish. Fact: I think Crystal Bernard is a triple threat. Fact: I have inhaled. Fact: I don’t scratch my bag, I roll the skin. Fact: I believe that KISS stands for kids in Satan’s service. Fact: I don’t like Led Zeppelin but love bands that sound like them. Fact: I will go down in history as the person who invented the step haircut. Fact: I hate the
They are a herpe on the worlds cock. If they had a flag I would wipe my bum with it. My loathing of them is so complete and whole that it has allowed me to forgive almost everything and everybody in my life. My ex-girlfriends and bosses. My father, my self, my God. There is something comforting in hating something so intensely and so passionately.
The
If the
If the NHL were the ocean then the Leafs are a beautiful golden sunset spread across it horizon. Shining its warmth and excellence…the
So in conclusion if hockey is the world and the NHL its oceans, and the Toronto Maple Leafs a golden magnificent sunset. Then the
Friday, August 31
Leafs Sign Salmalaane...Salmalini...Salmonienien... a New Guy!
The Leafs have signed miniature skill forward Tony Salmelainen. Not a giant of a man, after going from Chicago to Montreal in the Samsonov trade, the Canadiens cut him after about 12 seconds because at 5'9, he outright would have been the tallest player on the team. That would have thrown the team size curve way off for those guys, and they would have had to order a new sweater (size M), and then they'd have to raise the top of the Bell Center doorways, and that's just so much more hassle for Bob Gainey.
So we have him on a one year, two-way deal which means that he'll challenge B. Battaglia and B. Deveraux for a forth line depth job. At worst he'll be a great call-up when, as usual, we go down with 1,000 man games to injury. He'll be a dependable, super-fast guy whose seen NHL games. Can't be bad.
The original report I heard on Salmelainen was that he's got crazy skills but is a bit soft; perfect for the Euro game, but not the NHL. Now I'm seeing that he has a surprising insanity streak, as evidenced by this report from Finland:
Oooooo-k. So he's nuts, what of it? Take it up with him and you'll obviously get a garbage can in the head. The little twerp can fight too, and I look sooo forward to seeing a feather-weight division death match when he kicks the life out of fellow little-person Mike Comrie.
The gold helmet he's wearing is for the most points on the team or something. It makes him look like Mordred from Excalibur:
Tuesday, August 28
Teams Canada
Next month is the 20th anniversary of Team Canada winning the '87 Canada Cup in Hamilton. This series was monumental for Canadians and hockey in general, and I'm sure we'll have lots to write about it as that date approaches. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll write something because...well, who else is going to do it?
Anyway, thinking of Team Canada's past and present- the Super Series going on right now in Russia- here's a great video of the 2002 version TC winning the gold against Team USA. This game almost killed me watching it, I was so nervous. It was amazing in so many ways: Lemieux could barely walk, and that pump fake on the pass from Pronger for the Kariya goal was so perfect and simple and brilliant. Sakic's wrist shot from the point, Brodeur. Also, listen to how great Bob Cole's game call is! I can't remember when he was better (certainly not since, anyways).
This stuff is so important to me, I have the three game VHS box-set of the series which I've never opened. I've wanted to watch them many times, but I just can't. Still in it's original wrapping. Much like Moose's hymen.
Sunday, August 26
Leafs 07/08 Trailer: Prepare to Get Hard
The five greatest films of all time:
5. Annie Hall
4. 2001: A Space Odyssey
3. Modern Times
2. The Godfather Part II
1. The Toronto Maple Leafs 07/08 Season Trailer
Wednesday, August 22
Hey, Pappy! Welcome to Suckville.
Tales From a Beer League...
Fresh off an electric 0-3 start in our Thursday night league, the Pacific Maple Leafs are badly in need of a boost. Instead, Greener's dad is in town and coming to watch him play for the first time. Normally you couldn't put more pressure on Greener than he puts on himself, but this is dad. A former legendary netminder. The man who tried to mold his sons in the image of Syl Apps. The man who actually invented the phrase "Jesus H. Christ" (look it up). How can you not feel the nerves?
So, as Greener suits up beneath the scrutinizing eye of his proud father, sweat dripping down the tip of his masculine Jewish nose, squeezing his stick like 'Espo' squeezing that rose stem in '72, what will happen next?
Will Greener:
A) Embarrass himself, then feign injury?
B) Play a blinder, like Gretzky in Game 7 vs. the Leafs?
C) Leave to go have a steak?
Of course there's always scenario 'D', which sees Greener's dad suiting up to play after our goalie fails to show up for the second straight week. Watch the short side, pops.
Tuesday, August 21
FACE OFF: NOW WITH BLEACH
NORTE: Dispatch, this desk. I have something akin to an ice cream headache on my left elbow. You might say tennis elbow, and I might say back to you, thats none of your damn business.
They only thing I hate more than famous people are those people who care about famous people. Let me tell you haircuts something....I don’t give a shit who you are. I have encountered famous people and have been faced by most of them. Meat Loaf told me I suffered from adult acne. Billy Barty punched me in the nuts, twice. Clara Peller once spat in my face. John Malcovich beat up my cousin and made me watch. Al Waxman (who our Canadian readers will remember as Larry King on the King of Kensington. My American readers would know him from Cagney and Lacey, I think he was Cagney) touched me in my special place. But hockey players are different.
I will tell a story that my brother, to this day, will swear on a stack of a thousand Satanic bibles didn’t happen. We’re talking circa November 1982. Eye of the Tiger was quickly replacing Physical by Olivia Newton John as my favorite song of all time. I was 10 and probably the greatest ten year old goalie in the world. Wayne Gretzky was with the boys on the bus in GWG. That’s Great Western Garment, bitches. The previous spring, the upstart Vancouver Canucks made it to the finals. Assistant coached by white flag waver and future cancer victim Roger Nielson. First lined by Thomas Gradin, Stan Smyl and Ivan Boldirev. Free moustache rides via human eyebrow Harold Snepts. That was the year that Dave Samenko head butted Tiger Williams in the clinch. And has there been a more awkwardly named tandem of Glen Hanlon and Richard ‘No Relation’ Brodeur? I dont think so. And incidently Glen Hanlon is a redhead so you know what that means?
I digress. My family were on vacation and staying in a hotel. My father, a man so charming he sweats oil, finagled the wait staff in the restaurant to bring me and my brother our breakfast (Steak and Eggs: the real breakfast of champions) to the room. In bed, as it were. That morning the waitress told us that the Vancouver Canucks were downstairs in the restaurant having breakfast. (They were there to play in the Darcy Rota Invitational. An annual golf game for charity held, (shrugs) annually. Apparently Feline Viral Rhinotracheitis (FVR) was a big problem in Darcy’s hometown of
At the time I happened to love that Vancouver Canucks team. With a jersey so putrid it should come with an apology. I wanted to meet them. Shit…I had bet Gerald Plowman one dollar that they would beat the Islanders that year. Cos I thought they would. As I jumped around...my brother, who my parents put in charge, wouldn't let me go by myself and said he would go with me, only after the Superfriends was over. So I sat there watching him watching the superfriends and as they defeated Sinestro, Grodd and Brainiac, I could feel my childhood dreams slipping away. Wonder Twin powers activate; Shape of a teardrop, form of a weeping child. By the time it was over, the Canucks had moved on.
If you knew my brother, I’m sorry.
I did however work in a shoe store in the 90s and once sold Tomas Kaberle and his lady a very fine pair of pointy stiletto boots. Let me tell you about him. He’s like a gigantic 8 year old. I wanted to muss his hair. He said to me, “Yes…coach tell me shoot more…so I shoot more.”
I was happier to meet him than I was the Pope. Don’t know if that says more about me or the Pope.
Monday, August 20
Eklund and Hockeybuzz: Plugged In!
Greener here. Just catching up on what's happening in the hockey world, and there's only one place to turn to for that: HockeyBuzz.com! When I think of ear-to-the-ground hockey reporting and good writing, there's only one name, EKLUND!:
Wow, it sure is hot out there.... It's weird writing about hockey when it's soooo hot...
Taking the kids to the beach today. Boy, I love my family... They think it's real hot
too! Phew! What a scorcher...
Leaving my phone off to spend time with the kids I love... Boy, I love 'em...
Here are some tidbits I picked up, while manning the phones this morning...
Rumours swirling...9:15 am...
Peca to the Leafs (e4). This won't go away...Where there's smoke...
Kubina to Chicago (e4). The Leafs want prospects, Chi-town's got'em...
Update 9:32 am
Peca to Florida (e4). A source tells me Jaques Martin loves Peca, could be in the bag...
Update 9:44 am
Peca to 'Yotes (e4). A source tells me that Wayne Gretzky has always admired Peca. Wow,
imagine Peca and Doan together...
Update 9:55 am
I love spending time at the beach. I Love it.
Update 10:12 am
Huge deal brewing! 5 teams! Big stars you thought would never be moved! This could
change the NHL as we know it!!!!!!!! More later...
Update 10:17
Kubina to 'Nucks (e4). Two of my sources giving me conflicting information...one says
the 'Yotes (e4), the other says the 'Nucks (e4). Can you imagine a Cup parade down Robson,
it'd be like me and my kids at the beach...
Update 10:21
Peca to Real Madrid (e4). R.M. General Manager Alberto Herreros has never heard of Peca,
but with the loss of Beckham, what choice does he have???...
HOW DOES HE DO IT?!
Friday, August 17
Face Off: Gretzky Edition!
Here's a new feature on HS,HS! called "Face Off!" In Face Off, we'll each describe in agonizing, amusing, and in Moose's article, boring detail about coming face to face with a real, live star of the greatest league of any kind, anywhere, the NHL.
Since this is the premiere article in the series, what better way to start off than with a tale of personal encounter with the premier hockey player ever, Wayne Gretzky. Right. That's just what I was thinking, there would be no better way.
The time, 1 and a half years ago. Le place, The Kings' practice facility in El Segundo, California. It was sometime in the mid-morning. I had just finished playing and was in the parking lot loading my car with all my gear. With me, my friend Devo; a slight, sickly, observant type, who, when asked to participate as a writer in this blog, gave it not more than a moments thought and completely refused.
So we're talking away, loading our stuff; Devo using both hands to load his 16 pound stick into the car, when suddenly the Crips or the Bloods decided to roll up and shoot us. It must have been one of them because up pulls the sickest, blackest, 24" rimmed out Range Rover anyone has ever seen. This thing was a black hole for energy. As it sapped up my remaining apres skate strength, I made a brief mental note to try and fall post shooting into a position comfortable for sleeping. As I thought this, I heard Devo quietly say,
"Holy shit, it's Gretzky."
"What?" I said.
"It's Gretzky." He replied.
The Range Rover now parked beside us, the driver door opens and out steps the most illustrious spokesperson the GWG Jeans company ever had.
Now, I was never really a big Gretzky fan. I even hated him after he stabbed Doug Gilmour in the face with a high stick that Kerry Fraser "decided not to call" leaving Gretzky on the ice to score the game winner against The Leafs, thereby not allowing us to go to the final against Montreal. So anyway, that's how I feel about him, but still, it's Gretzky, right?
"Wayne." I call out.
A LOT of seconds go by.
"Hey, Wayne."
Somewhere, a clock in a belltower starts to ring... A snooze button is pressed by a sleepy owner for the forth time... A young child grows another inch...
NOTHING.
I GOT NOTHING.
Gretzky just turned and walked and walked and walked away.
I GOT NOTHING.
"Holy shit," I said, "I just got snubbed by Gretzky."
I got nothing from ol' Wayner. The Boy on the Bus, Daoust skates, Titan stick, 50/39. Nothing.
That's it for this edition of "FACE OFF". Please join us for future installments which will probably include:
NORTE, talking about meeting, I don't know, some guy once.
WASH, talking about seeing Messier snap Craig Muni's balls in the shower with a wet towel-whip.
MOOSE, who cares.
Watch here as Gretzky pretends to drive a Ford:
Thursday, August 16
Revolution
Thanks to the hundreds of people who flooded my inbox calling attention to the fact that I did not select any goalies for my 'Dream Team'. While that may look like an oversight, it was in fact...an oversight. I forgot. But, that only goes to show how highly I rate my team. Plus my coach, Keith Jones, is such a visionary that he likes to play with an extra attacker for all 60 minutes:
While his NHL career was derailed by drinking, marriage and a general apathetic attitude towards hockey, the former San Diego State netminder plays as a defenceman on our beer league team and performed superbly when we didn't have a goalie and had to ice an extra skater instead. I think he got a shutout by standing in front of the net and miming movements from old Darren Pang highlights. Additionally, Tilles doesn't ever come off the ice, so he's perfectly suited to the role.
If I must...
Easiest Job of All Time
Time for me to weigh in with my NHL Dream Team since everyone else seems to be doing it. Note to you all, were you to jump off a bridge, just swim to your left because here I come! Furthermore, despite the fact that I've handcuffed my team to only people who have ever played for the Oilers, this one was super easy. Blogging rules.
Now, I know what you're thinking, Klima at center? Well, with his occasional strength on the puck and sometimes selfless play he'd actually be quite good there. I once saw him pass to another player! Imagine how hard that must have been for him! I mean, you're on the ice, you have the puck, you know that with the tiniest ounce of expended energy you could easily go end to end (a feat in itself when you've never even been in your own end) and yet, whether it was one too many during the pregame skate or losing sight of the puck while yawning and accidentally sending it linemateward, you dip a toe into that pool we all call teamwork. Sadly, you find that this pool has not been chlorinated in a while and instantly remove it vowing never to tread in those murky waters again. Still. Imagine!Fuck You, Howard Berger
I just read another worthless article written by the wretched Howard Berger. A mustachioed load with a pinched face and surely a Molson Canadian golf shirt that he got in a SWAG bag at celebrity pro-am in Thunder Bay 8 years ago. The fact that he's spent 19 years in radio is testament to how shitty a writer he is. I have worked in radio- it is the gutter.
In my summer hockey famine I just desperately want to read fresh posts about hockey and The Leafs, so I end up reading things like Howard Berger. It's like living at the dump; you're not getting any real food, so you eat garbage. In the article, Berger claims that he "laughed his tail off" while reading an article another pile wrote, this one Allan Maki at the Globe and Mail, mocking Leafs fan reaction about an informal Leaf skate at our practice arena, Lakeshore Lions. Apparently - and this is the funny part- people in Toronto love hockey and the Leafs so much that we get excited when hockey season approaches, and we renew our love for our team! Hilarious! What a laugh-riot! Stop, my sides!
First of all, Howard, you wrote an article about another article where you ended up quoting just about the whole goddamn thing. Good "work" dude. Boy are you dedicated! Secondly, just a note of explanation for you and your bro Maki, what the two of you winners mocked right there, that's called PASSION. PASSION is a great thing to have with anything, and an amazing thing to have with sports, you stupid McDouche.
He then goes on to write a sigh heavy bit about how it's the same-ole'-same-ole' with The Leafs in the run-up to the new season. Obviously Howard is out of touch with the concept of passion as he goes on to say,
"...it's the same routine every year. The early-birds are swarmed by notebooks, cameras and microphones -- mouthing platitudes about the team and how the coming season will be special. Tucker routinely mentions how he likes the make-up of the group in the dressing room; Nik Antropov ponders a season devoid of injury; ditto for Carlo Colaiacovo. Any additions to the team (Jason Blake this summer) talk for a third time of how excited they are to join a franchise with such a storied history -- repeating what they said the night they were acquired..."
Jesus, Howard, we're so sorry, are we keeping you from something? Passion is clearly what Howard has lost for this game and this team long ago. He's so far past giving a shit, he can barely hide it's absence. What's worse, he actually stoops and mocks people who've never lost the thrill that our team gives to us, win or lose, year after year. Incidentally, all the things mentioned by those above Leafs are the same things mentioned by 29 non Stanley Cup winning teams in August. As well as non Pennant/Super Bowl/World Cup/Formula 1/Iditarod/Survivor squad. That's called the way the game is played. Why is that such a problem for him?
I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too emotionally about this. Maybe I should sympathize with Howard. All he gets to do is spend time watching, talking to, and traveling with some of the greatest athletes in the world playing for one of the most storied teams on Earth. That's tough. Poor guy. But seriously, fuck you.
Wednesday, August 15
Fine. It's me.
Hey Readers!
Man, I have long wanted to greet people that way. It's the second time I've ever done it, the first of course being when I delivered the keynote speech to the Midwest Mentalist and Palmists Association (MMaPA) in a very well appointed DoubleTree Hotel just off Highway 84 near Twin Falls, Idaho. And in order to set the tone of this blog early I will not be making a "palmist" follow up joke. This is not for lack of available options, rather I'm trying to class up He Score, He Shoot! You're all safe with me.
Now, I am an Oiler fan and have been since I was a teensy boy growing up in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. My parents were very close with Eva Pocklington, wife of Peter Pocklington, the megalomaniacal-Mr. Burn'sesque-meat-tycoon and former Oiler owner/tyrant. This meant that my first ever Oilers game was one where I sat in the owner's box and ate free popcorn as the Oilers, and yes it was the 80's super Oiler's, won the game and I got to go down into the dressing room to meet the team, have a bunch of jersey's and sticks signed (more on these in posts to come) and shake the hand of Mr. Wayne Gretzky himself. So. What choice did I have? Couple that with the Oilers actually winning all the time. It's like getting born into being a Yankee's fan. You've got it easy from day one! And you don't have to explain that yo
This proximity to the Oiler ownership also meant I had some inside info on a variety of the going's on about which I'll be blogging as we go. I know some things that Peter said about Gretz around the time of the trade. Things that will shock and amaze you! I've got some wonderful inside stories about the greatest hockey player of all time, Petr Klima! I recall with great specificity the collection of Nintendo games Zack Pocklington had, and can describe in detail his awesome GI Joe Aircraft Carrier.
Alright, I'm exhausted by myself. Seeya Readers! My first actual post to come... "Petr Klima, best defector in NHL history?"
Monday, August 13
From First to Worst
Seeing as Moose and Norte have taken the time to create their NHL Dream Team, I was super gung-ho on doing my own...for 3 seconds. Until I realized that beyond some disparities, it'd just basically be a combination of both lists; but more like Norte's, as his was funny and comprehensive, and Moose's was just all Oilers with a couple of 70's Habs thrown on for color. You'd just read it and go, "wow, the other guy chose Gretzky as his #1 center too! How readable!" So, I'm just going to flip it.
Moose created his 82-0 squad, so here is a squad I think would go 0-82. The worst team possible. What should I call them...hmm, I don't know, just for no reason, how about "The Moose"?
As you'll see, there are many reasons for my nominations: lack of talent, waste of talent, locker room/chemistry killer, bitch, etc. Some guys are bad, some are "good", but they all have one thing in common: they suck my balls. I'm sure you get it. Have "fun".
Forwards: Line 1:
C- Brent Gretzky
RW- Alexandre Daigle
LW- Marc Crawford
You can just hear the Esposito brothers at the '92 draft talking about Brent:
Phil: "Yo, we gotta da next pick atta number-a 49. Lets take-a da Gretzky kid!"
Tony: "Eh, yo, ah don-no, I hear he's no Wayne!"
Phil: "Eh ca-man, Tone-Provalone, how bad could he be?!"
Bad. When the best thing in your hockey career is playing brother #2 in a cereal commercial, you officially suck balls.
Daigle sucks so amazingly because he has talent but absolutely no heart. None. None at all. Nano-bots pump his watery blood through his body. How can you not fail when, before you've played one NHL minute, you start your career with hubris when you say, "Nobody remembers the #2 pick." Um, well, I remember him. His name is Chris Pronger, and he won the Stanley Cup two months ago.
They say that good players make bad coaches; That bad players coach the best...the exception being Mark Crawford. A bad player and bad coach. The man who put Ray Bourque in the shootout for Team Canada in the '98 Olympics instead of Gretzky. A man whose voice is so high and reedy, if you were in a car with him, you wouldn't be able to hear him because his vocal chords vibrate at the same frequency as 4 steel-belted radial tires.
Forwards: Line 2:
C- Jeremy Roenick
LW- Anson Carter
RW- Mariusz Czerkawski
Where to start with Roenick. A great player, but someone who only cares about himself, and his place in history. He wasted an entire season with the Kings -who brought him in with great expectation- because, get ready for it, HE COULDN'T GET HIS SKATES PROPERLY SHARPENED.
"I was never able to get my skates cut at the angle I need,” Roenick lamented. “I need a different angle than most players, and I never could get my skates sharpened the way I need them and that really messed up my skating. It’s the biggest reason I haven’t been able to get untracked.”
That's a quote. His nothing season effectively killed Andy Murray's job behind the Kings bench. They fired him and brought in Marc Crawford. See above. Roenick gets scratched from games and then leaves the team to go to a restaurant for steak and wine. The Kings then waive him. Somewhere, Hobey Baker begins to cry.
Carter. Disinterested, bored, and lazy. Came to the Kings in 2003/4, played 15 games, and got a point. One point. A single point. ANYONE could go out there and get one point. The puck bounces off you and you get a point! He then went to Vancouver and played with the Sedins. Scored 33 goals with their help. Held out next season, didn't re-sign with them. Maybe he thought the Sedins were moving to Columbus, because that's where he ended up. 10 goals. Nice.
Mariusz Czerkawski. Former Leaf, former Oiler, current loser. Speed, accurate shot, invisible man. Could play, but just doesn't want to. Doesn't really care what happens at work every day. He makes being a loser boring.
Forwards: Line 3:
C- Chris Gratton
LW- Keith Tkachuk
RW- Colton Orr
Gratton. What an unbelievable waste. A number three pick, he had (has) it all: Size, hands, talent, and A LOT of frequent flyer miles between all the teams he's played for. Does he just not care? Does he just want to get by, cash a cheque and that's it? The answer is yes.
So many people covet Keith Tkachuk, and I don't know why. He can't win anything, and he never will. Does he look like a captain to you? Not to me. He talks like a winner and never delivers. The type of guy who'd disappear for a year because he couldn't get his stick taped properly.
Colton Orr. Simply can not play hockey.
Forwards: Line: 4:
C- Mike Comrie
LW- Robert Reichel
RW- Cummy Burton
Mike Comrie acts and plays like he was rich growing up. Guess what? He was. He's a little rich-bitch who will never find an NHL home. Teams know about him now, and he will see a lot of 1 year deals for the rest of his "career". This guy is like some shit.
Robert Reichel. After a good start in Calgary, he soon found his dreary form, and wasted a couple of Leafs years. Rob Reichel is the hockey equivalent of ordering a beer in a bar and getting a bowl of cream-of-wheat.
Cummy Burton. You heard me. Cummy Burton.
Hey look, it's CummyDefense: Line 1:
RD- Marty Howe
When he was with the Leafs, I feared for our very franchise every time he went near the puck. Slipped through the cracks at every level. Moose and I have talked about him a lot; we shipped him to the Rangers and they dumped (duped) him over to the Oilers. Moose feels the same as I do, and let me tell you, that never happens.
Was Marty Howe the one with the moustache? It doesn't really matter, because karmically, he was. When your dad is known as Mr. Hockey, you should really try and end up being Mr. Insurance or Mr. Hardware Supply. I would trust Colleen with the puck before him. The Howe family equivalent of Keith Gretzky.
Defense: Line 2:
LD - Gary Suter
RD- Darius Kaspairitis
Somewhere, right at this moment, Gary Suter is cutting someones face open with a high stick. The thing is, he's probably in a movie theater. Hey Wayne, how's your back? Paul, how's your jaw? Here he is trying to chop Andre Lomakin's head off:
Does anyone get less respect from his peers -well, besides Moose- than Darius Kaspairitis? Reviled by players, he brings his whole team down with his assholeness. When you're on a team with a guy like this it's depressing because you know you're going to have to scrum with the opposition to defend him, when in fact you don't blame them for wanting to kill him. He's also here in the hopes that Suter will cross check him in the back during practice and Kaspairitis will then kick his head in.
Defense: Line 3:
LD- Stan Neckar
RD - Lance Pitlick
Can anyone in the world tell me why these two guys were in the NHL? Did they do anything to make a team better? I thought not. If a hockey team is like a house, then Stan Neckar and Lance Pitlick are beige carpeting.
Goalies:
Patrick Lalime
Roman Chechmanek
This could have been easier. I could have chosen any number of Hardy Astrom types who played a brutal stand-up style in an era full of bad goaltending. But I'm going to a more modern level of bad.
Patrick Lalime. Proto-typical Ottawa Senators choker; looks fine for a while, but then, uh-oh, it's ham sandwich time! His death-knell came to me as the soothing game call of ESPN's Steve Levy when he screamed after Lalime's SECOND allowed goal, and Joe Nieuwendyk's FIRST of the opening frame, "...and it's getting away from La-lime early!" True story: When I'm feeling at my worst, when I feel like I'm at my absolute lowest, I think of that, and I start to laugh.
I saw Chechmanek play a lot when he was with the Kings. Every time he went to play the puck, 20,000 people at the Staples center gasped in anticipation of another brutal turnover for a goal. To say that the flags were at half mast upstairs with ole' Roman would be putting it lightly. Lets just say that right now he's living with his Mother in Gottwaldov, likes sitting in the sun in the garden, and drinks a lot of milky tea.
The Dauminator
Over the last decade or so, it seems Rob Daum's name has been mentioned every time there was an opening in the Oilers organization. So it was hardly a surprise when they chose Daum to replace Craig Simpson today. Daum has had success at every level, including the WHL, AHL and as long time coach at the University of Alberta. He has held coaching and GM duties with Prince Albert, Swift Current and Lethbridge of the WHL and most recently coached the Minnesota Wild's top affiliate in Houston.
While it was good to see the Oilers go outside the family circle to hire a new assistant, Daum is not without his links to other members of the staff. Assistant Coach Billy Moores coached Daum as a player at U of A; and while serving as Head Coach in Lethbridge one of Daum's assistants was Jeff Truitt, who was hired as Assistant Coach to Kelly Buchberger with the Oilers top affiliate in Springfield this season.
Daum will be primarily in charge of game planning/scouting the Oilers opponents, and prepping the team accordingly. Billy Moores will continue his role in-charge of the 5-0n-5 preparation, while dipping into the special teams along with MacT. Charlie Huddy who was previously responsible for Daum's new duties, will now be freed up to spend more time molding a defence corps which, among the nine bodies, has four new faces and five players with less than 3 years experience.
Sunday, August 12
All-Moose
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Finn Scorned...
Let's do this. Norte's 'Dream Team' got me riled up (it probably sent Jari Kurri off on an eating binge). So, I feel the need to respond with my own. While I will adhere to Norte's rule of players playing their natural position, I'm taking it to a new level. This is a real TEAM, not just a bunch of Hall of Fame inductees lined up at every position. Teams need chemistry; foot soldiers; guys to do the dirty work. Therefore some of my selections may not necessarily be the best that ever played their respective positions, but, they are guys who I feel are/were among the best at what they do/did. Guys with special skill-sets that are intrinsic to team success. Here we go...
Forwards
Line #1:
LW - Ryan Smyth
C - Wayne Gretzky
RW - Jari Kurri
This might be the perfect line. Before you roll your eyes and call me a homer, consider this: Gretzky and Kurri were at their best with a guy who could 'plug' a little; someone with a little grit. Esa Tikkanen, for example, was the best foil they had. His dirty work as the disturber on that line, allowed them the space and time to work the magic. Mike Krushelnyski once scored 43 goals with them by just going to the net with his stick down. While I considered Bert Olmstead for the prized spot on the left flank, Ryan Smyth is quite simply the best at what he does - retrieving loose pucks, deflections, and collecting garbage. He's one of the best corner-men in the history of the game, and he has no peers in his 'office' in front of the net. Imagine 'Captain Canada' in front of the net and Gretzky behind it. Combine that with arguably the best pure shooter the game has ever seen and this line would flirt with 200 goals a season.
When it comes to building a dream team, you can't have 99 without 17. It's kinda like having just one of the Sedin brothers. Pointless, Norte...pointless.
Line #2:
LW - Mark Messier
C - Mario Lemieux
RW - Guy Lafleur
Silky, smooth skill between a pair of bats outta hell. Most people forget that Messier was a natural left winger that was converted into a center several years into his Oiler career (my scouting department is better than Norte's, therefore this has to be considered the steal of the draft). This line speaks for itself really.
Line #3:
LW - Frank Mahovlich
C - Jean Beliveau
RW - Maurice Richard
After the first two units run you ragged, these three beasts jump over the boards. A trio that's big, strong, and can all skate. Each of them scored a least 47 goals at one time in their career, and each of them excelled in the playoffs.
Interesting note: I once read that Mahovlich, who is considered one of the greatest Leaf players ever, felt that he never reached his potential with Toronto because of the pressure that Punch Imlach put on him. According to 'The Big M', his constant battles with the legendary Leafs coach sapped his enjoyment of the game. The stats seem to bear this out (slightly), as his career best totals came in Montreal later in his career.
Line #4:
LW - Bob Gainey
C - Dave Keon
RW - Claude Provost
The shutdown line nonpareil. Throw these guys out against the other teams' best line and relax. Dave Keon, one of the best two-way players in history, anchors the unit. Keon was a great skater, and could do a little bit of everything - score, kill penalties, and had that lethal backhand.
Legendary Russian coach Viktor Tikhonov called Bob Gainey they world's best all-around player. The NHL practically invented the Selke Trophy to honor him. A great leader, with a superb wrist shot to boot, he also scored over 20 goals four times.
On the right, we have another defensive stalwart in Claude Provost. Provost garnered a lot of attention throughout his career for making Bobby Hull his bitch. Montreal coach Toe Blake assigned Provost the task of shadowing the Hawks winger, which he carried out with aplomb. He once held Bobby Hull to ONE SHOT, in an entire playoff series.
Defencemen
Pairing #1:
LD - Bobby Orr
RD - Doug Harvey
The best pure offensive defenceman and the most complete defenceman to ever play. Orr needs no words. My team has 'dream' doctors too, so his knees are just fine.
Harvey was a leader, a PP quarterback, a shot blocker...he did it all. I once saw him do a spin-o-rama at the point (to avoid a rushing checker) that would make Denis Savard blush...he scored on the play too. Sick.
Pairing #2:
LD - Larry Robinson
RD - Paul Coffey
Robinson was a sight to behold. A huge man who could rush the puck, hit like a wrecking ball, and could be just about the nastiest SOB you ever saw. 'Big Bird' had a long fuse, but when he dropped the gloves you had little chance. My dad (from Montreal) regaled me with many tales of the great Canadiens teams from the 50's, 60's and 70's, but one of his favorite moments came when the Habs met the 'Broadstreet Bullies' in the 1976 playoffs. Robinson destroyed Flyers enforcer (er, goon) Dave Schultz and led Montreal to a sweep of the two-time defending Cup champs. I had never seen it until I found it on Youtube while writing this. Wow. Watch:
Phew, that was fun. Remember bench clearing brawls? Crazy. Oh yeah, Paul Coffey...
A member of the Mensa Society, Paul Coffey rivaled Jean Beliveau as the most fluid, beautiful skater in the game. Effortless. A pure offensive defenceman, he was probably on the cusp of eclipsing Orr as the best offensive d-man (the guy scored 48 goals in one season...as a defenceman!) but lacked the drive to reach his potential. Orr was undoubtedly a better all-around player, but Coffey was near his equal offensively. Blasphemous, I know.
Pairing #3:
LD - Chris Pronger
RD - Scott Niedermayer
Geez, I could have just cut and pasted from the Ducks media guide...
As much as it pains me to say it, Chris Pronger is the best defencemen of the last 20 years, and I don't think it's close. Bourque? Lidstrom? They're good, but Pronger is better. I had the privilege to watch Pronger for 100+ games in an Oiler uniform and I've never seen a player who understands the position like he does. His reads are impeccable, his stick positioning is perfect, and his passes are flawless. Orr and Coffey had physical gifts that changed the game and made them great, Pronger has a mental gift. He sees the game like nobody else and he doesn't make mistakes. Of course, packaging that cerebral side into a 6'6", 240 pound frame with a mean streak and a booming shot doesn't hurt. His only weakness was the leash his wife had around his nutsack.
It's scary to think that Scott Niedermayer might still be underrated. I mean they guy did play in New Jersey and Anaheim. Can you imagine if he played in a major Canadian market? Exceptional speed and agility that made him impossible to beat 1-on-1, and great instincts for the game. A complete defencemen...the modern day Doug Harvey if you will.
Pretty sure this team goes 82-0...unless my coach, Keith Jones, screws it up.
Saturday, August 11
Klima II: The Early Years
Klima (right) playing for Litvinov (in Czechoslovakia) along with Leafs draft pick and former Oiler, Vladimir "Rosie" Ruzicka (center).
Don't Believe The Hype
I read somewhere (oh yeah, here) that you can't beat 'Greener' on a face-off. Well, in the midst of our 8-3 drubbing on Thursday night I heard a couple of fans behind our bench making comparisons with NHL face-off king Yanic Perrault:
Fan #1: "For fucks sake, is this guy ever going to win a draw?"
It seems you actually CAN win a face-off from Greener. A lot of them.
I don't want to disparage the guy too much, he does in fact have his nights of Jarret Stoll-like magic when he'll go 21-for-23. On Thursday his magic made our puck possession disappear. However, I must say he is very coachable and takes instructions well. Late in the third period, while lining up behind him, I said "One fucking time, Greener!"...right on my tape.
