NICE ASS, COACH

Forgive that a few days have passed since our last post. Without telling tales out of school, some of us had a little too much to drink on anniversary night. I don’t remember whose idea it was to go to Tijuana, but to paraphrase Bill Murray from an old SNL sketch, we had a little too much mead and darted in front of an ox cart. Besides, we lost Moose to the Adelitas on the La Coahuila, and it took days and days to find him. Here at HS/HS- much like Vietnam- nobody gets left behind.

Anybody watch the Olympics? Me neither. Not only am I not watching because everyone knows these Olympics were purchased away from the Toronto bid, but also because China’s Human Rights Fact Sheet reads like the Marquis de Sade’s Checklist: Darryl Sittler, got ‘em. Grant Fuhr, got ‘em. Lack of Judicial Independence and Due Process, got ‘em. Discrimination, abduction and trafficking of women, got ‘em. Restrictions on Free Speech and The Media, got ‘em. Tibet, need ‘em.

There is also the issue with the bear. Most of the bears in Canada are near extinct because of its gallbladder and the purported afrodisiatic power found within. Since the 1^st Century, Chinese medicinal men have been prescribing bear gallbladder for Chinese wang, and in Liohu Night Market in Koahsiung City (a hotbed of gallbladder activity) a single gallbladder is currently selling for $3500. A whole bear upwards of 10k. (A single serving of bear-paw soup in any of your better restaurants will run you around $1,400; and although the flavor is delicious and the meat melt in your mouth tender, the expense of which seems far too great.) The majestic bears' numbers have been culled to ridiculous levels: its life worth much much less than being 5 ¾ fully erect.

They sure as hell can put on a fireworks show though can't they?

The day to mark on our calenders is but 6 days away. Does anyone else smell a trade coming? Quite frankly I would like to see both Kubina and McCabe moved before training camp. With movement finally being reported by the McCabe camp, that may actually become reality. Did anyone else read McCabe to the Panthers for JBow? Hard to see McCabe put the Panthers on his list to Fletch but who knows? And for the record, minus a shitty season, okay - a shitty season and a half- I have always liked McCabe. Any other season I would love to have Kubina in my top 2 pairings but this is not about the players. It's about having to move restrictive contracts. And is it really that far fetched to think that McCabe may actually garner something?

Another move in the right direction was the hiring of Dougie. Retiring in September of 2003, you know it was only a matter of time. Besides the fact that its fucking Dougie, a man whose grit and tenacity is so sincere that Don Cherry didn't smack him in the mouth for kissing him on the cheek. A man who bleeds blue and white, and a man who won the Selke the same year he was nominated for the Hart. That's exactly what we want mentoring the kids on the farm.

He Score, He Shoot: We're #1!

The date of August the 6th is one that over the centuries has come to mark momentous events in the history of mankind. August 6, 1661 saw the Treaty of the Hague signed between the Portuguese and the Dutch. August 6, 1806, Francis ll, the last Roman Emperor abdicates, ending the Holy Roman Empire. And, of course, who could ever forget August 6th, 2000, when the Roman Catholic Church's Congregation For the Doctrine of the Faith, published Dominus Iesus, notable for its lack of the filioque clause in the Latin text of the Nicene Creed.

But one special day really, really stands out: That of August the 6th 2007, because on that day saw the creation of your friend and mine, HE SCORE, HE SHOOT!

Yes! It was a mere year ago when 4 hunky lads with nothing better to do decided that the best way to use that time was to take their unbridled love for their respective teams, and unmitigated boredom for each others, and try to be funny on the internet! What's that you say? They needn't have bothered? Well to that, I say, shut up Moose! You'll get your turn in a minute.

Speaking of turning our attention away from Moose, let me throw it to Norte, who, besides loving the Leafs as much as anyone not named Greener can, he has also probably considered naming his children after Monty Python characters. And that is a compliment. What'cha say, Norte?

99 Problems But A Bitch Aint One

The etymology of the word anniversary dates back to Middle England, right around the 13th century mark, when those mead-driven, shit slathered heathens were still using the word anniversarie which in itself was a derivite of the Medieval Latin word anniversarium, itself a neuter of the word anniversarius meaning to return annually (from annus year + versus, past participle of vertere or to turn). In this instance I am using it as a noun, as they would have. Happy Anniversary HS/HS - you hardly look a day over none.

On a personal note, it's the traditional present to give paper on your first anniversary so I would like to thank Moose for the Zig Zags (they're exactly what I wanted) and Greener, I hope you like the issue of Star Hits magazine from 1985 with that photo of John Taylor that you needed for your "collection". In all seriousness guys its a pleasure to write for you and with you. Much the same way video game systems in the 90's re-sparked my somewhat dormant interest in hockey; writing about it has made me love it even that much more. I thank you both for that. I just wish I were someone else so I could read the blog but I'm not and can't but maybe one of these days I actually might.

Thinking about the 2 of you, I am reminded of something Sid Vicious said about his girlfriend Nancy Spungen on the eve of their very own 1st anniversary. He said that, "she was the kind of girl who licked out toilets."

Love isn't too strong a word and admiration isn't either, but enough about me, regardless whether its boredom, loneliness, admiration or an almost unspoken contractual obligation that keeps us all coming back to He Score, He Shoot, thank god we do. You guys are like brothers to me, well, Moose is.

A special shout out to PPP. PPP if you can imagine HS/HS like the Beatles, wrapping your head around me, Norte, as John; married to a Chinese woman, penchants for substance and sarcastic, raised by his Aunt Julia. Greener as Paul: bass, vegetarian, glass half full, singer of silly love songs; and Moose as the Quiet Greek One with both the soto voce and swarthy appearance to double as both our George and our Ringo. (And Washingtron as Julian; couple of good songs but forgotten) then that means you are Billy Preston. So thank you for playing piano on "Get Back", it's awesome.

Awww, I'm touched. To be told on your anniversary that you remind someone of a person who may have knifed his lover on the floor of a roach motel in a heroin haze is really what friendship is all about.

Now back to the celebrations! As part of the festivities, I've taken the liberty of writing some music commemorating the occasion. Music is just something I dabble in, and I really just cobbled this together from an opera I'm writing about the Nicene Creed, but still.

As you can see, it's pretty straightforward. Alright now. Everyone ready? Ok then, all together now...a one and a two...OH GODDAMN IT JARED, COME ON! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S IN 12/8 TIME?! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, 2/4?! DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A MARCH TO YOU?
Ah Jesus, look, while I give a certain someone a lesson in Compound time signatures, lets pass it along to Moose, and see how he's enjoying the party:

A little over 12 months ago, Greener and I were beating the heat (no, I said heat) at a local burrito shop, talking about hockey. That's when I asked him to join my hockey blog. A couple bites of Machaca, a couple sips of Jamaica, add a couple of Canadians and toss lightly. Viola! HS/HS was born.

As any hockey fan knows, it's important for a team to set the tone right from the start, which is why I came out guns-a-blazin' with a post about...Brad Winchester and Mike Bishai. Yeah, normally that's the kind of thing that gets you benched, but thankfully the organization stuck with me.

We'd like to think the franchise has blossomed from those plucky expansion beginnings. Along the way, we've had a lot of fun and even a touch of scandal. Unfortunately it was a rough season on the ice for the Leafs and Oilers, but we can't say it didn't make the jokes that much easier to write. I mean stories about getting tea-bagged by your infant son are sooo much funnier when you're fighting for your playoff lives.

A couple of quick thanks:

First and foremost, to EVERYONE who reads our blog. We started HS/HS mostly for ourselves, to talk hockey and have some laughs. It's very rewarding that you guys stop by and laugh with us, not to mention at us. The camaraderie we've built with all you guys/gals (you know who you are) and your great blogs has made this exponentially more fun.

Greener. I jest, but without him there is no HS/HS. He works his ass off and puts in a lot of time making this blog look the part. While we all resent him for being an overbearing jerk and acting like he's our boss, we know we couldn't do it without him. Seriously, he's the only one with admin privileges to the site. Thanks, Greener.
Lastly, I'm an old-fashioned kinda guy and tradition holds that the first anniversary gift for your partner should be something of paper. So, I wanted to get the guys a little something from my heart.

I'm not going to tell you guys again...stay out of my yard.

I can't say I didn't see this coming. Norte, Wash and I haven't answered our doors all year. Man we just got served! No, seriously. We just got served.

For me. I'd like to say to you all how rewarding writing HS/HS has been. To participate in the most passionate dialogue with some of the nicest, funny and decent people out there has been so great. I've been lucky enough to form friendships with some of you, and just reading your words every day has been a privilege. I'd single you out by name, but I know I'd leave someone out, and I'd hate that. Just have a look at our blogroll and feel really appreciated by us. Also, there are loads of people who come and read and comment, and download the podcasts, and we love you too. Incedentaly, this is a time when I'm not just being my usual sarcastic dick-self. We feel the love. What? No, I just have something in my eye.

Norte, Moose and Wash, thanks for everything. Thank you for your posts and your...uh...well your posts. Without them HS/HS would be 75% shorter, and 10% less funny. You're lovely.

"Do you have these Manolo Blahniks in a Florida Panthers?"

I just got back from a little downtime in New York. It was the first vacation I've had in nearly two years, although sometimes when the need arises I just let Greener's calls bounce straight to voicemail - it's like a week in Hawaii.

The main purpose of the trip was to take in a Yankees game before the closing of the old ballpark, but the weekend had a decided hockey flavor to it, courtesy of a few stops while trolling around Manhattan.

The girlfriend wanted to stop off in the NBC gift shop in Rockefeller Center, looking for a little merch to scratch her Brian Williams itch (see: weird crushes on news anchors). While exploring the huge multi-level store, my ears were drawn to a raucous sound coming from downstairs. I turned to see a battery of television sets with...hockey?!?!? Oh yeah. Now THIS is the NHL on NBC!

Don't try and tell me hockey isn't thriving in America...in a stairwell...behind a rack of Fear Factor onesies. I pulled myself away from the continuous loop of six highlights from 2006, and we headed out back to the streets.

I was on my third ice-blended lemonade and green tea, when we accidentally stumbled across the NHL store on 47th. Normally I'm not a big fan of buying hockey apparel, as most of it is hideously designed and just about unwearable outside the confines of your local hip-hop video shoot. But this was the NHL store in Manhattan, and who doesn't love paying $44 for a 100% cotton Oilers t-shirt? Not me apparently. Upon entering, I was immediately bombarded by an advert for the NHL's already passe showcase:

I get it. It's a hockey game outside. It's cold. It's also the only game NBC will telecast this season until the Stanley Cup Finals. I think I made my feelings about the Winter Classic pretty clear in the latest podcast - which you should all be downloading on to your iPhones and rocking to on the way to work.

I browsed for a bit and two things became readily apparent: 1) I was going to need an equity loan to pay for this stuff, and 2) there seemed to be some correlation between the amount of available merchandise and the crapness of the team. I have no statistical evidence to back that up, I'm just wondering if I really need all 3 versions of the Columbus Blue Jackets fridge magnet, ya know?

After spotting a pair of Toronto Maple Leafs Reebok's, I thought to myself, " Greener might like those." Plus they seemed like something that would go well with whatever was on the cover of this months FHM, or Stuff, or whatever other softcore "mens" magazine is spread across his mail-order coffee table. So being the good friend that I am, I called to ask his shoe size which garnered a wholly ungrateful response. That turned out to be a blessing because now I had more money to spend on Norte. By the way ladies, Greener's shoe size is five - make of that what you will.

After snapping up a few items and measuring myself against the Alex Ovechkin height chart, I overheard the following conversation between a customer and sales girl:

Customer: "Why you ain't got the new Steve Stamkos (pronouncing it staymkoss) jersey?"

Girl: "Who?"

Customer: "Staymkoss"

Girl: "Who is that?"

Customer: "He's supposed to be the next Gretzky. I seen him play in Canada (no he didn't). He's okay."

Girl: "Just okay? Well if it's just 'okay' you're looking for, I've got a bunch of these left!"

Tambellini and Bowman

A couple hours later, we got back to the apartment where I soon heard that the Oilers had hired Steve Tambellini to be their new GM. Initially I was shocked, but was put at ease somewhat when I learned that it was more of move to reduce the workload on a drained Kevin Lowe. This essentially expands the front office personnel, and moves the Oil towards a management team setup, which has become the rage these days. Lowe will become the Director of Hockey Operations and will still have the final say on all hockey related decisions.

While many people are happy that the hire is a change from the the "old boys club" that the Oilers have been accused of being, its worth noting that Tambellini worked extensively with Lowe and MacTavish with Team Canada. So there is a level of comfort and a history there. It's always positive to get a fresh mind, with different ideas and different contacts from another organization, but there is some question as to what exactly Tambellini's influence was with the Canucks. After all, Vancouver is an organization that doesn't have a history of great success. Without really knowing what he did, it's hard to analyze the move using anything other than his reputation within hockey circles which, by all accounts, is very good. I trust Kevin Lowe. He's rebuilt the Oilers faster than I expected and assembled what looks like a good team (on paper) this off-season. It will be interesting to see when and what kind of personal stamp Tambellini will, or is allowed to, put on this team.

As for Scotty Bowman bolting to the Chicago Blackhawks, it's an interesting move to say the least. I think some Leafs fans might see this as a snub, but really this is Bowman's M.O. He's not a builder. In football you have a guy like Bill Parcells who loves nothing more than the challenge of taking over a last place team and turning them into winners. But Bowman has always preferred to take the path of least (or less) resistance. If you look at the places he's gone in his career, the only "step down" he took was when he left Montreal for Buffalo in 1979. Otherwise Bowman has made a habit of choosing just the right situation with burgeoning teams and legitimate Cup contenders: Montreal (from St. Louis), Pittsburgh, Detroit, and now the Hawks, a team that appears close to contending themselves. That's no knock on Bowman. He's a great hockey mind and, without question, the greatest coach of all-time. But just once, it would have been nice to see build a team from the ground up.

Late Mail

I would be remiss if I didn't give a long overdue mention to the Edmonton Sun. It appears the headline writers over at our favorite tabloid are already in mid-season form. A few weeks back, Shawn Horcoff's 6 year, $33 million contract extension produced this headline gem: "Shawn of the Bread."

Oh it hurts.

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS

It says a lot about the times we live in that a classic bit of cinematic dialogue like, "we'll always have Paris", probably now more conjures slutty innuendo from name piggy-backing Worldherpe Paris Hilton than from Humphrey Bogart (5' 7), and that movie, (Casablanca) (And just in case you are wondering I have trademarked the word Worldherpe...oh, you weren't wondering? Okay). But today as soft deadline day, August 1st, came and went with exactly the same information we knew 3 months ago, it happened. I was thinking about Mats and I shrugged and thought, yeah he's retiring. It was just simple like that, snap, like requesting brown toast instead of white at breakfast. And whether or not that thought germinated after I read all the columns today doesn't even matter, the thought is still there. I believe that's sometimes called reasonable doubt.

- I hate to repeat myself but I don't have my hands covering my face when I say it and that's a step in the right direction but I believe Mats Sundin will retire, and forgive me for having a Send In The Clowns moment but I will miss him terribly. We all will. You all know I love the Toronto Maple Leafs so much I wish I could carry them around in my pocket and feed them treats all day. And Mats Sundin, god friggin bless him- 987 points in the uniform. And excluding the 94-95 season never less than 70 games a season. Never less than 20 goals a season, 6 foot 5 241 pounds, can communicate with bi-peds, and correct me if I'm wrong but he can hold his breath under water for like 11 minutes. Hopefully what these facts lack in statistical correctness they more than make up for with correct spelling and punctuality. No? (Shakes head)

Of course, I'm using humour and run on sentences to hide my pain. This is the end of an era folks and the bloggers and the fans and detractors alike won't really miss Mats Sundin until we begin to play (and watch) games without him. So therefore, thank you Mats, we'll always have Paris. And readers, if you could see me right now you would be like, "Norte, turn that frown upside down." and I would be all like "What the fuck are you doing in my house you fucking asshole?"

Mats Sundin and I, referentially speaking, would have gone to high school at the same time, he would have been in grade 12 when I was in grade 10 but we both would have been slow dancing to Eternal Flame by the Bangles at the school dance, not together of course but figuratively speaking. That's a fancy way of saying we're around the same age. A few summers ago I spent some time fishing up north as it were and let me tell you my friends, I never wanted to step foot out of that goddamn boat. Fuck it, it was like, just leave me here to fish and get fat. I don't blame Mats one bit for wanting to do the same thing.

To use a phrase from the hyper-real world of beer commercial vernacular, I think it's: Mats Sundin, Welcome to Your Carlsberg Years.

BLACK AND WHITE: Not Just 2 Colors In A Rainbow

Not to get all sociopolitical on you (even though my Masters from the University of Laval (Go Rouge et Or!) dealt with that very subject), but I have no problem with things that are black and white. In fact there are many things that I would say I adore and perhaps even love that are black and white: soccer balls for example. Maltese Falcon is also good. And really what would a chessboard be without black and white but a piece of wood with some shit on it?
I also really like when people are black and white with their thoughts and feelings. Just give it to me straight people.

Recently a person I have been friends with for years dropped me as a friend on Facebook. When I realized and wrote to them to ask them what was up? their response back: fuck you. Which I appreciated because with fuck you, you know where you stand.
Which is precisely why the Mats Sundin situation has actually started to bother me. His waivering and deadline of August 1st are tantamount to a piss off or a frig you. Not so much black and white as dark grey and burnt sienna. Give it to us straight Mats.

I appreciate that he considers himself a Torontonian. As one myself I understand the pride to be able to say that, and with Mats its easy to see how sincere such a statement is. I don't see it as toadying or placating us before he signs with another team (and as of this morning I read that there may be as many as 6 in the running) but it reminds me of something that happened to me in the 1990's. A woman I was dating broke up with me by saying to me, 'I love you, I just want to fuck more people.' And just like that woman, I know Mats still loves us and that really he just wants to fuck more people. Which I understand - the problem I do have is that in doing so Mats is treating the Leafs like every other team in the league, and quite frankly, if that is the case Mats, then you will never again be allowed to touch our frilly unmentionables.

In trying to once again acclimate myself with Hockey, the goings on, the bloodlettings, the remarkably boring July’s etc, I find that I spend a lot time reading: (which really is a testament to how much I love this team when reading has replaced looking at pornography and illegal downloading as the number one thing I do on the internet. Sad really because that’s like buying Playboy for the articles, which is a disgrace no matter how you slice it.) Blogs, columns and a lot of comments by a lot of homers proving two things: 1) that hockey, like national pride, is a unifying force and 2) that some of you people are really just stupid bastards.
The prevailing thought amongst said stupid bastards is that without Mats Toronto will be in the running for the Tumble for Taveres, the Header for Hedman or the Collapse for Cowen (or whatever other clever turn of phrase the hitmakers over at PPP come up with) and that what the team should really do is lose on purpose. I can think of few things worse than losing on purpose even if that means Magnus Svensson Paajarvi.

HS/HS Radio 5: ALIVE!

Ask any parent if they have a favorite among their kids, and they will all say the same thing: "Impossible!", unless you ask Moose's mom, in which case she says "Greg!"

Ask me the same question about my beauties, the HS/HS Podcast Quintuplets, and I say, unequivocally, "What does quintuplets mean?" Then, after I'm told, I go, "Oh, numbers 1-4 were all fine. Nice and tall, with nice strong teeth...but number 5...he's something else!"

HS/HS Podcast 5 is the photo of the girl from graduation in your parents photo album who your mother always asks what ever became of her. The question drives you crazy because you always wonder the same thing, and also because your mom has that weird thing when she talks where she whistles through her teeth every time she says the letter 's'.

Besides the awesomeness, you get to hear how I say the word Raleigh apparently weird, and what it sounds like when I'm not in a good mood when talking to Moose, which is what it sounds like every time I'm with Moose.

Click here to experience love as never before. And barring that, then to listen to a hockey podcast
And just because I'm like that, I've included a picture of the poster to a movie Moose and I made a long time ago. We went to a very liberal college where we were encouraged to find ourselves through creativity. Well, we did that, to the tune of $29,000,000 opening weekend (1990 dollars). Not too shabby.

Overall the production went fairly smooth. Alan Young gave Moose a lot of good direction in their scenes, but when it came to me, well lets just say that Rudy Vallee should learn to keep his hands to himself!

ANNYONG!

Special thanks to all of you who've flooded the HS/HS offices with calls, e-mails, and flowers this week. I'm happy I can finally allay your fears...we're fine. Greener and I have just been on a little vacation, recharging the batteries and getting a little 'me' time.

As we navigate the hockey-less waters of Summer, we're quickly approaching the the one-year anniversary of HS/HS on August 6th. So, we thought this would be a good opportunity to take a look back. As one of Greener's favorite hockey coaches once said, "Don't forget where you came from, chump." Well, we haven't. So we've gone back through the archives and pulled out some of our early stuff. You know, the stuff that made us big...before we were big.

Now don't think of these as a re-runs. Remember when Arrested Development was the best show on television that nobody watched? Then is got cancelled (because nobody watched) and everyone (who never watched it) was outraged? Suddenly, boxed sets of Arrested Development became the best selling DVD's on the market. Well, think of this as your HS/HS Season 1 Boxed Set.

Episode 1: While trying to enjoy a hockey game, Moose snaps after enduring 3 hours of homerific blathering.

(Originally aired December 26th, 2007):

I watch a lot of hockey. The "Center Ice" package has made my life immeasurably more enjoyable. At the same time, it's caused me to spend a little more time than I ever imagined pretending I'm a sound engineer. Some of you know the routine, don't you?

1) Pause DVR
2) Log on to Oilers.nhl.com
3) Click "Listen Live!"
4) Un-pause DVR
5) Hit mute button.
6) Spend a few minutes trying to perfectly synchronize ten second-delayed audio with action on television.

The commentary that comes with almost any hockey broadcast originating in the United States is unbearable. The broadcast team usually consists of the city's baseball play-by-play man (slumming during his off-season), accompanied by a nondescript former hockey player. Usually a back-up goalie or a colorful 4th liner who can spit out hockey-isms like "That puck has to go deep!" and "That's a good active stick!" I suppose that's all par for the course, but it's the root, root, root, for the home team shit that makes me boil. I don't know about you, but when I listen to a game, I'm not looking for a couple buddies to high-five with after a goal. I want someone to give me information and compliment the action, not jam the Kool-Aid down my throat.

Look, I get it. You're paid by the team, you travel with the team, you've seen most of the team naked in the showers, Jonathan Cheechoo scrubs your back with the loofa - I don't care. As Frank Deford once said, "Never forget that no matter how much fans love their team, they're also the first to criticize...except Greener and Norte". The point is, fans WANT tough love, not a bunch of homers and apologists who are afraid to be critical of players for fear that they'll be excluded from the Texas Hold 'Em game on the plane ride home.

The other day I was watching a game where a player on Team A had a partial breakaway. The defenceman on Team B tried to get back and break-up the play, causing the other player to fall down and lose the puck. No penalty was called. The announcers for Team A were predictably screaming for a penalty shot, and couldn't believe there was no call. I quickly switched over to the other feed for the game, where the announcers for Team B were talking about a "great defensive play." Hilariously ridiculous.

Let's examine some more of the classic signs.

"You might be a homer if..."

You can't be bothered: Nothing shows you're so fundamentally crap at your job as mispronouncing players' names. So let me get this straight - when I'm watching a Detroit Red Wings game, Valterri Filppula just rolls off the tongue, but the best player on my team is named Alex Hemsky? He should be easy to remember, he's the guy who scored the goal that knocked you out of the playoffs two years ago. No? Nothing? Jarret Stoll is not one of the Staal brothers. It's pronounced 'stole'. Andrew COG-LEE-ON-OH. I know it's fun to cop that lame Italian accent and talk like you're from the 'old world' but it's not Cogliani, or Conigliari. For fucks sake, what's gonna happen when he plays on a line with Pisani? The other day the studio host for the Colorado Avalanche told me Steve Avery was called for roughing. Really? At least pick a baseball player who's still playing if you're gonna fuck that up. Note to all broadcasters: The names on the roster aren't an interpretive exercise, full of typos, or open to poetic license. If you can learn the names of all your boys you can learn the names of mine.

You spell team with 'we': "Big faceoff here. We need a goal." No we fucking don't. Stop pretending you're a member of the team. You're a lazy, balding, middle-aged man who's vicariously living his man-love sports fantasy through a bunch of guys who tolerate you so they don't get fined.

You complain about the referee: I know, I know, your team doesn't take penalties. My team are a bunch of cheaters. One night, I actually heard Randy Hahn and Marty McSorley (of the San Jose Sharks) insinuate the referee was fixing the game, and say he "should be embarrassed to go home to his wife and children." The Sharks were losing 3-0. Go figure. The best part about this behavior is it's usually followed by a back-handed apology with about 6 minutes left in the third period. Something like, "Hey, but let's not take anything away from the (insert name of team that's winning). They've played a good game tonight."

I don't get your inside jokes: I don't know what Nicolas Havelid's favorite movie is, how much Filip Kuba's suit cost, or the name of Phil Kessel's dog. Therefore, to me, "I'll bet Steve doesn't think THAT tastes like cinnamon," is an idiotic, and slightly homo-erotic, non sequitur. Hey asshole, don't talk like millions of us aren't in the room.

You call players by their nickname during live play: Remember when Peter, Anton, and Marian Stastny used to play on the same line with the Nordiques? Well, apparently now when a team has two players with the same FIRST name, it's confusing. Which surely must explain why, "Little Joe streaks down the right side and drops it for Big Joe." Or maybe it's because 'Pavelski' and 'Thornton' just aren't cute enough! Do you ever here Joe Bowen call Tomas Kaberle 'Kabs,' or Chris Cuthbert say, "Heater throws it behind the net to Spez?" No, because it sounds fucking stupid.

And, you might be a homer if...

You work for the Minnesota Wild: I hope everyone gets the experience of watching/listening to Dan Terhaar and Mike Greenlay (an ex-Oiler). Every Brian Rolston shot is a volcanic eruption, every Marian Gaborik pass is a laser beam of perfection, and every Keith Carney dump-in is pure genius. Holy shit, call me when you win something. Anything.

All The News That's Fit To Vaknat

One of the great opportunities in life one may be fortunate enough to experience is to travel. To go to another country can be a joyful emotional journey, and not just because you've gotten away with taking advantage of your friends Greener, Chemmy and mf37. No, it's because one of the most amazing things in the world is discovering that, in spite of some cosmetic cultural differences, people all over the world are basically just the same.

We all put our pants on one leg at a time. We all call our Mom's on Mother's day. We all have hockey journalists who lie and make shit up because they have a deadlines to meet. I've always heard that Sweden was really similar to Canada. You know, there's a lot of trees there, it's cold in winter and lush in summer. That's one reason Swedes like playing there. Another is that they can count on the lazy, ill-informed Leafs journalists to mimic their lazy, ill-informed Nordic counterparts. See? No more homesickness!

The story of Sundin signing with the Canucks may, in the end, become true. It's an easy story to write when the person in question will receive 20 million dollars for writing his name. Not surprisingly, I subscribe to all the Swedish dailies, so trust me, friends. Click below and see I know what I'm talking about:

Ray Emery: Мудак

The delightful taste of crow is resonating in the mouth of Ray "Na, Na, Goodbye" Emery right now with news that he's signed a deal to play in Russia's new Continental League, or, as it's known around the world, "The-who-in-the-what-now?"

Ole' Razor locker-room cancered himself out of an NHL career last season, going from undisputed #1 goalie to undisputed #1 guy to get to work late and leave early. When you act the way Ray did in the NHL, it is a VERY short Hummer ride from Stanley Cup final to only 3 teams calling you as a free agent; and then to only offer you training camp tryouts.

Emery's agent, J.P. Barry, had this to say through surely clenched teeth:

"Unfortunately, it's only been a short time since the buyout and there isn't anybody willing to give (Emery) a second chance at this time, I think if people knew the things that he's done over the last little while to turn the corner, there might be more interest out there."

Those little things include not rolling through stop signs or spitting inside the Rideau Center.

We'll see how smug Ray is when he's eating yet another bowl of potato soup made by the team chef. A woman who also doubles as the coaches mother. What's the over/under on how fast Ray learns the Russian version of the fuck you middle finger and gives it to the crowd? The home crowd.

HS/HS Radio 4: The Sounds of Summer

There are a lot of great #4's out there in the world; Bobby Orr, The Fantastic Four, me...the list goes on and on...and stops at this podcast.

It's the dog days of summer now and that means a young bloggers fancy turns to things other than being stuck in your office recording a podcast with a guy wearing a shirt he stole from the cowboy from the Village People. But look, you don't come to me with your problems, do you?

So presenting HS/HS Radio 4. Click right on this spot to hear what it sounds like when two men sharing too small a space have to turn off the air conditioning because it'd make too much noise in the microphones.

Please do something close to enjoying what you can, and leave us some comments while you're at it. It'd really pick up our spirits. On the upside, our promotional He Score, He Shoot 8x10's just came in! Here's a sneak peak!:

KER-PLOW!!

MOOSE WEEK: IS IT OVER YET?

Fletchie Got Fingered

Has that one been used yet? You would think something that obvious would've been in Greener's wheelhouse. But, as usual, he's doggin' it over there at PPP.

So the first couple days of free agency are in the books, and there was the usual cluster of good and bad signings. By now you've heard all the criticism of the Jeff Finger signing, so I don't want to pile on. But I do have to take issue with the way Fletcher and Wilson defended the signing. After I texted Greener about the signing, I got the expected "Who the fuck is Jeff Finger?" question. I told him he was a solid defenseman, but a mostly a third pairing guy who played against the other teams' bottom six. So, I was more than a little surprised to hear Fletcher and Wilson trumpeting him as a world-class shutdown guy, who Joel Quenneville threw out there against Thorton and Iginla every chance he got. I mean, I watch hockey. I'm sure at one point or another he HAD to play against those guys, but for Wilson to say he was the guy that was out there when he used Thornton is a bit misleading. Could it be that the Sharks were at home and had the last change? Maybe Wilson WANTED that match-up! I find it hard to believe that Brett Clark, Kurt Sauer, Scott Hannan or Adam Foote weren't getting that assignment.

The money is what it is. With the cap rising every year and the competition for NHL calibre players being what it is, all these guys are gonna get paid. Was it an overpay? Sure. Were the Leafs the only club to overpay for a mediocre player these past few days? Hell no. I'm just calling bullshit on the rationale.

Some thoughts on the last few days:

Atlanta: One of these days I'm gonna do a ranking of all 30 GM's in the league. When I do, #29 and #30 will look something like this: Whoever is the GM of the Florida Panthers, and Don Waddell. His lone signing thus far is Ron Hainsey at $4.5m per. That's a guy who didn't score a single even strength goal last year. And how do you go 3 years without getting a center for Kovalchuk and/or Hossa? I smell an overpay for Brendan Morrison coming.

Boston: Once considered the favorites to sign Hossa, they were never really in the running, but did grab Michael Ryder ($12m/3yrs). He's a guy worth taking a chance on, as he's still young (28) and can deliver at even strength. With significant power play time he could get back to 30 goals.

Buffalo: Patrick Lalime = Home Run.

Carolina: Traded pending UFA Erik Cole for enigmatic Joni Pitkanen (now on his third team at age 25), and made a nice little move in bringing Josef Melichar back from Europe for $1m. They have enough depth upfront to subtract Cole, and signed Pitkanen to an affordable deal ($12m/3yrs)...can't argue with the reasoning given the makeup of their roster.

Calgary: Let me tell you why I hate agents. Plucky 4th liner Curtis Glencross wanted to be an Oiler. After his late season surge last year, the Oilers wanted him back, but his agent thought he could hit a homerun in the UFA insanity. So what happens? A fourth liner got fourth line offers, and by the time they realized they had lost the bet, the Oilers were looking to clear cap room in anticipation of signing Marian Hossa. He got the same money the Oilers offered...in Calgary. Good job. Good signing for Calgary, who also picked up Rene Bourque via trade to help upgrade their bottom six forwards.

Chicago: Brian Campbell got Nick Lidstrom money, and Huet got $5.6 million while they still have Khabibulin under contract for another year. I'm all for making a splash, just make sure there's some fucking water in the pool first.

Columbus: Had a ton of cap room and wanted to be aggressive, but didn't make the big score they set out to. Added Huselius and Commodore via free agency, and traded for Raffi Torres, Fedor Tyutin, and Christian Backman. Out went the inconsistent Zherdev and Dan Fritsche, who for some reason is always "highly touted." Add that to the acquisition of Umberger at the draft and the Jackets are much improved. Scott Howson is doing good things there.

Colorado: Took care of their own (Wolski, Liles, Foote) and then took care of Toronto's cast-offs (Tucker and Raycroft). I can't possibly imagine that they are going to go into the season with Budaj and Raycroft. Oh, and to quote Greener, "at least the rest of the West can breathe easy now that Jeff Finger has gone to the East."

Dallas: I gotta say, while everyone is going on about awarding the 2009 Cup to Detroit, the Stars (who took Detroit to 6 in the CF) made themselves better by signing Sean Avery. Sure the Cup champs added another star player, but what better way to counteract that then signing the one guy who makes his living by feasting on star players. Can you imagine Steve Ott and Sean Avery together? Holy shit. They'll add another scorer at the deadline and be a legit threat in the West again.

Detroit: The Hossa thing is incredible. I applaud him for leaving $70 million on the table and years of security. He really does want to win. That said, we often talk about athletes having a short window to make their money, and Hossa is now one hit away from having that window close. In that respect it's a ballsy gamble on his part. As I wrote a while back, Hossa is perfect when he doesn't have to be THE man (like in Pittsburgh). I think he's smart enough (or pussy enough) to know that, and having Datsyuk and Zetterberg alongside was a big factor in his decision not to go to Edmonton.

Edmonton: Phew! By all accounts they were Hossa's next choice. Sure it's a little disappointing to not get the big fish, if for nothing other than the message it would have sent the rest of the league. But, it would have been a nightmare contract, and a lot of roster gutting would have taken place to fit him under the cap. Even without Hossa, the Oilers emerged as one of the most improved teams thus far, getting Cole, Brule, and Visnovsky for underachievers Torres, Stoll, Pitkanen, and Greene. Still shopping for a couple UFA's including Jagr. Can't wait for that long awaited Hemsky-Jags reunion.

Florida: If Jeff Finger's deal had you confused, Rostislav Olesz's 6yr/$16m deal had to be the 2nd biggest "WTF?" deal of the week. Cory Stillman is a decent signing, which begs the question...why does Cory Stillman want to play for the Florida Panthers.

Los Angeles: Still need to spend $14 million just to get to the salary floor, which explains why the took Denis Gauthier off the Flyers hands. Come and get Dwayne Roloson's $3.667 cap hit Deano!

Minnesota: Nice trade to pick up Marek Zidlicky, but failed to do anything to replace the lost offense of Demitra and Rolston. Thank god the Oilers didn't blow their load all over Hossa's face, because now the queue for Marian Gaborik can start right behind Daryl Katz...or Ken Holland. Can't see him staying...and he's a much better player than Hossa.

New York Islanders: Gotta hand it to Garth Snow, he's really fighting an uphill battle in getting players to come to that franchise, but he makes some shrewd moves and doesn't overpay (drastically) for free agents. Picked up Doug Weight and power play linchpin Mark Streit. After much mockery, I find myself rooting for Snow.

New York Rangers: Surprised that they gave up on Tyutin (to Clb for Zherdev) and can't believe they let that idiot Avery go. You can't dispute what he did for that team. Added some big bodies for the 4th line (Voros and Rissmiller) and shored-up the blueline by re-signing Rozsival and getting Redden. Intriguing moves and more to come.

Ottawa: Alex Auld? Shean Donovan? No help on defence? The window is closing fast on this groups' chances to win a Cup. Has the hate quotient just gone up with the addition of Jarkko Ruutu?

Phoenix: Seem to be getting universal praise for the bargain signing of Kurt Sauer ($1.75m per year). Calm down...it's Kurt Sauer.

Pittsburgh: Got Malkin locked-up (good) and probably overpaid for Orpik (bad), but if I'm Ray Shero I'd be a little offended by Hossa's decision to jump across the aisle. Did he not think he could win in Pittsburgh? Let me guess, he'd rather live in Murdertown than Pittsburgh?

Tampa Bay: You know guys, there's going to be free agents NEXT year too! Now it appears they want to trade their only good puck moving defenseman (Boyle) who they just signed 4 months ago? Call me stupid, but I don't think Jay Feaster is calling the shots anymore.

Vancouver: Mike Gillis - #28 with a bullet! Really? $10 million for Mats Sundin? A David Backes offer sheet for $2.5 million? Hilarious. At least now I won't have to endure anymore references to GM's "pulling a Kevin Lowe" when it comes to stupid offer sheets. Meanwhile, Roberto Luongo is aging as we speak.

I swear there's a podcast coming this week, none of which will be devoted to bad Jeff Finger puns.

MOOSE WEEK: HOT STOVE EDITION

Apply Within




As "Moose Week" presses on into its (ahem) second week, one thing has become apparent: I hate the Toronto Maple Leafs. Check that, I hate Greener. But I love you guys, and that's why I'm determined to provide HS/HS readers with the most complete Leafs coverage while he's gone. Even though he'll probably return smelling of whores, liquor, and Chemmy, I'll welcome him back with open arms. But I'm not gonna lie to you, it's hard work doing this alone, and I could use a little help around here. That's right Barilkosphere, get those resumes out, HS/HS is now accepting applications! Be warned though, you have big shoes to fill.


Let's take a quick tour around the league after a busy couple of days:

'The New NHL' - Now With Bribery!

Apparently Oren Koules and Len Barrie, the new owners of the Tampa Bay Lightning, weren't kidding. At their press conference last week, the two said that they would be "shockingly aggressive," in an effort to improve their 30th place hockey club. It certainly appears they're keeping their word, after acquiring the negotiating rights, then signing, both Ryan Malone and Gary Roberts. This came just days after Malone told teams he would not negotiate until July 1st. Of course that was before the Tampa Bay Lightning made his dad, Greg Malone, their Director of Pro Scouting. THAT is aggressive. You think one had something to do with the other? I mean, there's no way that's anything but coincidence, right? That's Gambino Family aggressive. I would normally say 1+1=2. But the fact that they hired Malone Sr. the week before nabbing Malone Jr. is either genius, or a double-tap to the back of integrity's head. You don't think Pops dropped a little 'feeler' when his son called to congratulate him on his new job?

I guess District Attorney Bettman isn't quite the intimidator he thinks he is.

Edit (12:32 AM): Brian Rolston's wife has been kidnapped; 4-year deal expected Monday.

Sundin Almost Finished With Rubik's Cube

So the waiting continues. Will it be Montreal or Toronto? Retirement? New Blogger at HS/HS? If he lowers his demands I can make that happen. Before this off-season drama began to unfold, I never bought into all the talk that Mats Sundin had become "comfortable" or "content" in Toronto, but I'm beginning to change my mind. When Sundin refused to waive his no-trade clause last year, his critics said he had no desire to win a Cup and just wanted to enjoy playing out his remaining days in Toronto. I always pointed to the fact that he busted his ass every night, and single-handedly kept the Leafs afloat last year, as evidence to the contrary. While there's still nothing wrong with a guy wanting to enjoy the last years of his career in a city he loves, this monotonous soap opera does make you wonder how hot his fire burns to win a Stanley Cup. If you're the Montreal Canadiens, or any other potential suitor, can you afford to pay him $7 million to find out?

Cujo?

When Cliff Fletcher said the Leafs were going to get younger, I didn't realize he was using himself as the measuring stick. Really? 41-year-old Curtis Joseph? You have a legitimate #1-ish goalie in Vesa Toskala who's gonna play 65 games. Justin Pogge has two AHL seasons under his belt, including very good numbers last year. It's time to see what he's got - let him play 15 games.

Visnovsky An Oiler; Stoll Gets To Hit It More Often

Indulge me as I talk about the Edmonton Oilers for a few moments. The Oil and L.A. pulled off a big-time trade today, sending Lubomir Visnovsky to the good guys for Jarret Stoll and Matt Greene. The Oilers add another slick puck mover to their stable of defencemen, while the Kings get a couple of good role players (with upside) and slash $5.6 million off their cap hit. Usually the team that gets the best player wins the deal, and that's Visnovsky, but this is a good deal for both teams. The Oilers lose some toughness, which is concern for a team that was already thin in that department, but will likely address that in free agency or via another trade. The addition of Visnovsky also enables the Oilers to move Joni Pitkanen for a top 6 forward they've been seeking since the end of last season. That could come as early as Tuesday when we find out which teams have lost out on Brian Campbell, Wade Redden, or Mark Streit. Some guesses where Pitkanen ends up: San Jose (for Cheechoo), Carolina (for Justin Williams or Erik Cole), or Montreal, if Sundin signs (for Higgins or Kostitsyn).

As for the Kings, they get one of the best face-off men in the league in Stoll. While he's probably a #3 center on a good team, he's a great special teams player (plays point on the PP) and still has the upside to be #2 center. While Stoll loved being in Edmonton, there's no better place for him to go than L.A., where his girlfriend Rachel Hunter lives. Look for him to improve on his poor numbers from last year, as he can now tap that on regular basis.

Greene has some holes in his game (passing, d-zone coverage), but he's big and strong and will be a good third pairing guy for a lot of years. Plus, he's a fantastic guy in the locker room and will be a guaranteed fan favorite. The guy is flat out hilarious.

Well that's it folks, I'll be back to talk free agents in a couple days, so long as the Tampa Bay Lightning haven't signed them all. Plus, later this week...PODCAST #4! That's right, me and Mats will be back at it.

MOOSE WEEK, PART III

Easy Tiger

In my last post, I spoke with some admiration for the moves Cliff Fletcher has made this off-season. At least until this Bryan McCabe thing started making the rounds. If the stories of him being asked to stay home from training camp are true, it's quite possibly one of the most classless (not to mention desperate) things I've seen in a long time. Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to be a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Which is why I'm an Edmonton Oilers fan.

It's one thing to sit here and talk about this in terms of morality and principles, but in reality the whole situation is a non-starter. The Leafs have absolutely zero leverage and no leg to stand on. They simply CAN'T make McCabe stay home. Well actually, they can - they can buy him out. The problem is, the Leafs are trying anything they can to avoid doing just that. As a fan, ask yourself this: What if McCabe decided he wasn't going to report to camp because the Leafs wouldn't give him a Barcalounger in the locker room? You'd crucify him. You crazy fuckers would send male strip-o-grams in Chad Kilger jersey's to his house. The point is, it goes both ways. Unfortunately it appears the Leafs have crossed a line which could harm the image of the franchise. What's next, literally shaming him into waiving his NTC? Players around the league talk, and that's the danger here. It doesn't take much for an organization to get a reputation for mistreating its players. Remember, this is a guy who was highly valued by the team just 2 years ago. Now all of sudden he's being treated like a leper. No, wait...a selfish leper.

Nobody would care if the Leafs bought out McCabe, after all, both sides understand the business aspect of hockey. Hell, it's even within their rights to say, "Bryan, you're not part of our plans here, so you'll probably be sitting in the press box while we let some kids learn on the job," then let McCabe decide what he wants to do. He negotiated for that right, and the Leafs granted him that right. Even if this story isn't true, the optics of it already look bad.

"Fuck It, I'm Leaving Anyway!"

That's not a direct quote from Brian Burke, but I'll bet it's pretty close to what he was saying before he waived Todd Bertuzzi today. A couple months ago, when the Burke-to-Toronto talk was at it's zenith, I wrote about Burke's record as a GM and how poorly he has managed the salary cap/Ducks this past season. Now, on a team that already can't score, Burke has had to give away one of his few moderately productive forwards because of shortsightedness and his inability to properly manage his assets. So Todd Bertuzzi, who Burke gave Dustin Penner's money, is gone because Burke gave Scott Niedermayer's money to Mathieu Schneider, only Scott Neidermayer is back and now someone is out of a job. It should be Brian Burke. This comes after he gave away Ilya Bryzgalov for no return, and Andy McDonald for twenty cents on the dollar. Yeah, Kevin Lowe is running HIS team into the sewer. Riiiiiight. Guess who's coming to TO!?