Ugh!

Dearest readers, I'd like to apologize for your having to read so much Toronto news. I mean booorrrrrrriiiiingg! I thought we were all under the agreement here at HSHS to not write unless our team was doing well. The way Greener and Norte are writing you'd think the Leafs weren't losing constantly. Well they are! How do I know? Because being an Oiler fan I am more than capable of sniffing out another basement dweller. I'm an expert at it! Without watching a single Leafs game I'm still preternaturally disposed to sensing their doomed season looming off into the distance forever and ever and ever. Its just a stank that your nose gets used to sniffing when you've been smelling your own team's rank ripeness for the past two years. So apologies to the hopes and dreams of Leafs fans but I see the smoke coming round the mountain on this one.


As there's no end to the horrors of the Oilers season to write about I'm gonna take it little steps at a time starting with the number one worst thing on the team ever, and no its not injuries...

Dennis Grebeshkov. I've not seen someone play this bad with a tinted visor and gold chain since.. well ever really. He's just horrifying and Moose and I are positive that there's a conspiracy here. Alright, I know we're missing Souray, Pitkanen, Greene and Roy, but that STILL doesn't excuse the fact that he's playing top defensive pair, 1st PP unit and 1st PK unit. I had the opportunity to watch him "play" when the Oil were in town playing the Kings (when Greene and Roy were still healthy) and holy mackarel, we thought Bergeron was a hand grenade with the pin pulled out, ole Grebby hasn't made the right read yet this season! He's been the responsible player on every heart breaking goal in the last 4 games and that's only since I've been keeping track. He holds the puck too long when he has to get it out of the zone or make the pass, and he passes it only when there's a 4 on 0 going the other way that he's able to set up. His positioning is terrible, he's not strong enough in the corners or in front of the net and that's on the few occasions he actually goes to those places. Watching Smid play 21 minutes a game, carrying the puck through the neutral zone and making the smart safe decisions with the puck, how does he get sent down and Grebs stay up? HOW!? How is he still getting the minutes and failing at every opportunity? Schremp, Pouliot, you guys have one bad shift, pack your bags! Enjoy Springfield! Grebby, why don't you give up the puck at the blue line on the PP and then cover the guy without the puck on the ensuing 2-1? Great job! Here's the C.

Next point, the Power Play. I have nothing more to say on this subject. Its baffling when I watch another team on a power play. It almost seems like they have some sort of numerical man advantage against the defending team. As opposed to the Oil. You know what, they actually gained the zone and held it a lot more in this last game against the Preds. The only chances did come from broken plays in the zone though, so maybe its one of those things where they all have to stop trying and they'll accidentally score? Jesus its embarassing.

Did anyone notice that the team completely folded after Hemmer didn't score in the third on yet another fifteen bell deke-o-rama? Maybe he's more of a leader on the team than I'd been giving him credit for. I knew it was going sour as soon as Ellis got a toe on that shot and somehow the whole team did too. So the real question is which one of us started it? I'm willing to take the blame on this one. Maybe because I stopped believing then the rest of the team followed suit. I am afterall Imaginary Honorary Captain of Oiler Jinxes. Assistant Captain goes to my buddy DJ Luigi who is able to counter a counter jinx thereby treble-jinxing the team, and from two whole time zones away. So he may have stopped starting not to un-believe when Hemmer missed the chance, causing the team to collapse like two people simultaneously dropping into comas. Co-lapse. Ugh!

Finally, I scored my first goal last sunday in our sad excuse for a beer league, and am looking forward to scoring two tomorrow. Moose had two goals and the assist on mine, plus an assist on one of Greener's two goals. The reason this is relevant to anyone reading this blog is that a team of people, the majority of whom hadn't played a year ago and are over 45 (read Greener and Moose) matched the entire goal output of the Oilers for this entire season in one game playing with what amounts to an indian red rubber ball that camouflages into the playing surface exactly while huffing and puffing LA's finest Malibu mansion smoke. Ugh. What's more exciting than my first goal? I delivered my first face wash (artists rendering at right) in a goalmouth imbroglio! Hooray! I'll probably write an entire article on that in the weeks to come. I've never been more proud. Of myself...

Ugh!

Wash.

Steve Downie Hits NHL Checking, ends its career...

Hello Readers!
After watching the first four games of the NHL season, well, the Oilers first four games, I'm sorry to report that as far as hitting in the regular season goes... Prognosis Negative. In four games I've seen exactly one, ONE hit. Detroit defenceman Somebody-or-other sorta pushed Sam Gagner backwards as he was skating in front of him. This didn't stop the FSN Detroit play by play guy from expounding on the "huge" "hit" laid out on "Hemsky". They showed the replay fifteen times and the guy was still saying Hemsky. You could see Gagner's name on his sweater for heaven's sake! I digress...

The complete lack of hitting has been responsible for the Oilers lacklustre performance in the past two games. It's a rare occasion to play dump and chase and win possession just by skating at the puck and not at least bumping anyone. I vote for calling it dump, bump and chase. Also, as my BFF DJ Luigi said recently, you can't properly forecheck without laying any body down. I believe I paraphrased that, because "laying any body down" sorta makes it seem like he was coming onto me, and I don't think he was. Point being, as he said and I agree, I'm sick of seeing Penner charge into the zone and love tap the defenceman with the puck. Isn't he supposed to be a big bruiser? He is great at using his body to maintain possession but I've not seen him hit a single player, make them hear footsteps (which are louder when wearing skates), force mistakes! I'm looking greatly forward to seeing Penner step up and be the power forward he's been billed as. Standing in front of the net ineffectually does not count.

And yet I'm not panicking here, the Oilers looked pretty bad the last two games. Again, I steal from my friend, "They looked like when you go to the bathroom and forget to pause NHL 08 and you come back and the computers been having their way with you." But somehow, only losing 2-0 against one of the best goaltenders in the league doesn't sting so bad. Considering all the chances they had my worries are alleviated in so far as our goaltending is concerned. Last year Roli started the season out great as well, I remember Kelly Hrudey showing a replay of a save and saying that Roli's glove hand was the best in the division, even better than Kippers! The fact no one in the studio agreed is not the point. He looked good. And this year with Garon playing well behind him I'm not worried that burnout will be a factor the way it was last year. So, y'know, we got that going for us... which is good.

I digress again! Man, you start out trying to write a post about the state of hitting in today's NHL and you wind up writing about your own team's recent woes. Bah!

In the first four games, I've seen one hit. That's counting both teams. Its the reason Raffi Torres is stinking, the reason Penner's not as involved, one of the reason's our defence is having so many troubles (the defencemen being the other reasons). It's got me wondering if it has anything to do with the two big hits in the preseason. If the needle's swung too far the other way now, where player's are "respecting" each other to the point of playing bullfighter defence (ole!) and never finishing checks because what if their head is down? What if they turn into the check? What if you get sent down to the minors with a career long suspension? Case in point, Derek Boogard didn't injure a single Oilers player last night. I didn't even see him hit someone! That's why he wasn't out there much. The Wild had the game in hand pretty much from the start, there's no way he was as bad a liabilty as the Oilers PP was. And yet, he wasn't out there running ruffshod over a tender, gentle, miniscule, baby bird crop of Oil youngsters, softening them up for the next 7 games they'll play againts each other this season.

So what. Right? I guess its better that these players don't have to worry about having their heads taken off. Yeah, a big open ice hit is fun to see, in a slow motion car crash or any episode of Jackass kinda way, but is it really worth it? I put forth that it is! Hits are important! We're constantly making rule changes and adding perks and removing danger for these guys who are making millions of dollars for playing a game! The stakes should be that high! Gone are the low salaries, but gone too are any of the bummers of the job! No more busrides and per diems, no! Chartered private planes, the best hotels, catered foods. Optional pre game skates! More offensive zone to play in! The fanciest dressing room in the league! Free parking at the coliseum! Smaller goalie equipment, but extra pads for everyone else! More referee's so no one gives you a boo boo behind the play! No high sticking, no elbowing, no charging, no crescent kicking with the blade out, no boarding, no checking from behind. So, have millions of dollars, free food, more days off than on, summer off IF YOU'RE CRAPPY!, and we'll do our best to make the job as cushy as possible, k?

That's just my opinion. Well, I'm off! Late for an appointment with my therapist!
Wash.