Leafs Win Opener. Howard Berger's Night Ruined

There's something freeing when you've been released from the shackles of expectations, reasonable or otherwise. Going into the first game of the season, to say that the 08/09 version of the Toronto Maple Leafs were free of expectations would be the understatement of the century, unless those expectations were for them to "suck", and also to "blow".

Well, terrible writer Howard Berger and the rest of the viperous Toronto sports Fourth Estate had another night of developing coronary heart disease ruined Thursday, when the Leafs did what nobody except everyone who reads blogs thought they could: Win. Against the Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings ™. In fact, I believe in his Leafs preview/poison pen piece, the friendless Berger predicted the Leafs wouldn't even be able to find the Joe Louis Arena. Well, the Leafs sure did, and in a sad, related story, so did Howard Berger.

I watched the game at the home of an old acquaintance whom you may all remember. His name is Moose? Slightly above average height, medium build, a little too hairy, refuses to write his blog? Yes! We have a positive I.D.!

Moose as pictured, shockingly close to reality
I showed up, excited to actually watch a real hockey game on TV, instead of the endless hours of "Greatest 80's Oilers Moments" Moose has been Tivo'ing all summer on the NHL Network. Hey guess what everybody? The Oilers were really good in the 80's! And now you, me, and Bill Berg all know it! But tonight, we have live, meaningful hockey games! Come on, it's 4:00 (PST), let's go, put on Hockey Night in Canada! Opening night! Yes! What's that? The game's on Versus in the U.S.? So HNIC is blacked out then? OK, after I get over the shock of actually seeing a Canadian team on Versus, we'll get down to business, right? No, of course not dummies. First up is a performance sure to get the North American hockey audience pumped! Ladies, put for lace-gloved hands in the air for Def Leppard! You heard me, Def Leppard! Why Leppard? Cause obviously, when the NHL thinks of Canada's game, naturally it thinks of these guys:

Ron Wilson forced the Leafs to endure the weird spectacle of the Wings doing some scheduled maintenance up in the rafters of the Joe. I don't know what they were doing, putting some things near the roof. The Leafs don't do that. I guess that was to catch excess moisture? I have no idea what that was, but you'd think the Wings would do that on a non game night. And did Gordie Howe have to help? Man, he's really earning his pension. He even wore his old jersey. And holy shit, he's still the captain!

When the latest in G. Bettman's marketing fiascos triumphs was finally over, the Leafs came out dressed in their new (3rd) 36 point "we always win in these" jerseys, and played as sharp as they looked. Relying on young legs and the enthusiasm 5 guys playing in their first NHL game, the Leafs pushed the Red Wings just about all night, relying on things like:

• Speed
• Tenacity
• Fore/Back checking
  
• Neutral zone control

On the other hand, here are things the Leafs did not rely on:

• Mats Sundin

It was an evening of many small victories among one large one. While the Wings were at one point greatly out shooting the Leafs, the chances were even. There were a lot of active sticks all night, and the Leafs forced a lot of Wings turn overs, the most important being the one which led to the Kulemin game winner.

Everyone's favorite fake Facebook friend, Vesa Toskala, looked amazingly smooth and confident, playing his angles super aggresively. Chris Osgood had to make a lot of good saves, and he spent a lot of time flat on his back, pleasing no one in the Wings organization except for Kristen Bell. The second line of Grabovski, Hagman and Tlusty created a lot of great chances, but I think that line had 33% too many Europeans in it. They kind of had a pass first mentality, notably when Tlusty was centered pretty much all alone in the slot with the defenseman sliding away and he elected to dish it back to the high point. It seemed to need a little grit in there somewhere. Like perhaps a little Mark Bell? Nah, you know I'm just kidding!

Antropov was largely invisible, and 4th line detainee Matt Stajan has looked a lot better. Perhaps it was just one of those games for those two. Luke Schenn played 17+ solid minutes and never looked out of place in the #2 spot out of a potentially great looking foursome of him/Kaberle/Kubina/Colaiacovo.

No third period collapse despite the Wings' last minute powerplay. Leafs win 3-2, and the bad people in the world go to bed unhappy. If I had a job, I'd be skipping to work today.

He Score, He Shoot: He Said, He Said

This is a cross-post of our Leafs Season Preview written for the great Pension Plan Puppets. It's here to give everyone who hasn't already read it on PPP a chance to see it. All none of you.

As summer '08 gives way to the autumn of same, the time comes when hands reach back into any number of closets, grasping for the trappings of fall: The comfortable sweater knitted with earth tones. The kid-dreaded "Back to School" fliers from Zellers, and the compulsory team/division/conference hockey preview.

Well, your bro-felds at He Score, He Shoot are no different from you and your blog/text messages/drunken ramblings. We have a history of previews on our site, and, in doing research for this piece, I've noticed that they've been pretty much all been written by my...well, I almost said friend. How about "guy I made the mistake of mentioning doing a blog to", Moose. Since PPP has brilliantly devised a way for people to do his work for him (just by asking, you conniving bastard!) and to do a Leafs season preview, I thought I'd look and see what Moose wrote about the Leafs in his NHL season preview a mere year ago:

3. Toronto Maple Leafs: After writing that about Ottawa, I suddenly want to put the Leafs 2nd. See Leafs fans, you've improved already! Ironically, the Leafs look a lot like the Oilers on paper. Good goaltending, dangerous PP, but concerns about secondary scoring and defence. I think the addition of Jason Blake and another year of development from Wellwood, Steen, and Ponikarovsky, should allow them to score enough goals. The defence is still a concern. It's strange how hard I try to like, no, accept the Leafs for Greener's sake. Fuck, I'm a really good friend.

A few things. First, I am not his friend. I can't stipulate that enough. Secondly, this was after he chose Buffalo to win the Northeast with the Leafs third and Montreal 4th! And lastly, who the fuck cares what he just wrote about Ottawa! This was during a dark period in our blogs' history when Moose actually wrote a lot, usually about a team in the Western Conference...The Something Somethings...oh, who cares. The point is...here's He Score He Shoot's Leafs Season Preview! Joining me on the journey will be my compatriot on this Blue and White Brick Road, Norte! Yes! Awesome! Who cares! Well, we're going head to head today, point/counterpoint style. It's He Score, He Shoot: He Said, He Said. Or: "HS/HS/HS/HS"

GREENER: I've written recently about my Zen master's ability to put aside all yearning for the seemingly unreasonable things in my Leafs life, like "a Stanley Cup win", or "a playoff berth". Such are the whimsical fantasies of a child-like, yet sexily handsome (...ladies...?) young dreamer. I know the truest path towards the Leafs 08/09 season fulfillment, and it's through the forest of realistic expectations.

With the Leafs this truly begins and ends with the forwards. There's not a lot to demand out of this group, just a lot of possible surprises to be had. Can Nik Antropov finally build on a great career season and, you know, be good for two years in a row for the first time ever? Can he pull guys like Ponikarovsky along with him? I hope the Leafs don't rely on Nikki too much in the leadership department. I don't think he's the "respond to responsibility" type of guy. Too much pressure and he's more the "Wow, Nik must have the flu again" dude. He slumped last year while wearing an 'A', so lets just quietly ignore him and let him score 25 goals, shall we?

Another couple of mysterians are A. Steen and M. Stajan. Poised on greatness (ok then, goodness) for so long, this really is a case of since Mats isn't around to carry everyone, look for one or both of these guys to be significantly better. Stajan must hear a lot of the "future captain" talk, and if it's his ring to grab...then, uh, he must grab it! (nailed that one.)

In the TBD file, I'm putting any number of Grabovski's, Kulemin's unt Hagman's. I've been tantalized by promises of hot-shotness before (and I still think Alexander Suglobov can make the team), so I'll just let these dudes go out and have fun and delight in playing in the greatest uniform since nudity. If they want to score 20 apiece and dangle Chris Phillips out of his tiny jr. jock, then fine by me.

Lastly, I want to say that I actually got excited by Ryan Hollweg's suspension today. I can't wait till the Leafs start being those guys again. The kind that used to be detestable for all the best reasons. My darling Darcy could only do so much after Domi and Roberts left. I'm fucking happy that if the Leafs have to lose a game, then at least they'll kick the Jesus Christ out of the opposing team for doing it.

NORTE: I wish it were only a question of diet, and a simple answer of not enough meat as to why the Toronto Maple Leaf forward core are the most anemic crew since the Vegan information tent at last year's Lilith Fair. I don't want to say these guys are a bunch of pansies, but yesterday my neighbors Dalmatian took a dump on Anton Stralman.

And when you get called out by your own GM (and I don't care how much reverse psychology was spun into it, it's not motivating to hear your own GM say there's only 1 top 6 forward on the team, it's like your Mom telling you you're ugly. When you hear that - guess what, you're an absolute bowser.) I have to give over to Greener about this year- His Kung Fu starring David Carradine machinations and fortune cookie soundbites regarding what can't kill him only making him stronger. He's correct. When your expectations are at absolute zero, something is better than nothing.

Our absolute zero, looks like Blake (who in this mulligan free year must re-connect with his inner-Tikkanen) and Antropov (who absolutely must not carry the weight of no Sundin on his shoulders.) Centered by Stajan. That hurts a little to even type. Should he be the Leafs 1st line center? I dunno. Should I expect anything even remotely first line from him? Meh. Yet do I expect Matt Stajan to play himself right into the Captaincy of the team? Shrugs.

If this line were an 80's Sitcom; "Perfect Strangers"

Of course with guaranteed spots also going to Poni, Steen and Moore, guys like Grabovski, Tlusty, Hagman, Mitchell, Devereuax, Mayers, Hollweg and Kulemin will be sprinkled like salt on the boiled chicken of the rest of our lines. And it pains me to say this, although Sensei says it shouldn't, that some, if not most of these guys will also do duty on the first line this year.

Dominic Moore played himself into the roll of 2nd line center by showing more hustle than a Van McCoy reunion cruise. Does it make me want to vom in my own mouth that Dominic Moore is our 2nd line center? Lalalalalalala - I can't hear you...lalalalalala - sticks fingers in ears. He is winged by Poni and Steen. When I close my eyes and wish upon the stars, this sounds like a pretty good line. But the I CHING tells me not to give a crap about that because I fear this line will never gel. And it goes without saying that Steen needs to be like last years' Antropov.

80's Sitcom Comparison: "Alf "

After that, this free for all includes a lot of seat-fillers. A 3rd line, with nothing set in stone, as some of these guys have been put on waivers, but I will say Hagman, Williams and Tlusty.

80's Sitcom Comparison: "Benson"

Watch for Devereaux, Hollweg, Mayers, Bell and Grabovski to enjoy the amenities of the Comfort Inn in Milwaukee when they play the Admirals when not playing on the first line.

80's Sitcom Comparison: "Punky Brewster"

GREENER: How fortuitous that a defense-minded coach like Ron Wilson inherits a club with so many dreamy D men. While the Leafs perhaps have a couple or three too many puck movers like Kaberle and Stralman, Cliff Fletcher has balanced out the ticket with ex-navy Seals like J. Frogren and M. Van Ryn. If Van Ryn can retain his health and play physically, say like, off the top of my head, Bryan McCabe from 3 years ago, that is a great plus. Kubina and his 2-way game keep getting better, and should finally look like a relative bargain with his 5 M salary. To put it in perspective: Wade Redden makes 6.5 M. Fuck Wade Redden. Is it crazy to think of Colaiacovo as a full-time Leaf? Of course it is. But a little Carlo goes a long way, and again, with limited expectations (ie: don't try be Chris Pronger every game), I see Carlo being strong, solid and gobbling up #3 minutes.

The D will get a lot of work done this season under Wilson, and I think the Leafs have the best combination in a long time to match those demands. As for Luke Schenn, the Leafs have the kind of problem they should be having every year: do they keep their top and best draft pick up, because he's been fantastic and deserves to stay, or err on the side of caution and send him down for seasoning? Whether or not Schenn stays with the club after 10 regular season games (I don't think he will), the Leafs have already provided us with a real and needed light upon which we can train out telescopes, in this the first of too many re-building years to come.

NORTE: I have to admit that I love the Leafs defense. Perhaps love is too strong a word. I like the Leafs defense a lot. I wouldn't marry their defense but I wouldn't cheat on it on vacation either. I like that there are 10 quality defensemen fighting for 7 spots and that not one of them is named Wozniewski. I love that one of them is a 5th overall pick, and that at 18 years old was good enough in camp to even be considered for the team. When I was 18 I still cried when I got pimples. Do I believe he will overlap his probation period of 9 games, no. Do I believe we will see the man in the boy? Yes. Yes, I do.

To me the Leafs defense is the most encouraging thing going for the team. It's less a bitter pill than the forwards, more like a cucumber sandwich made with a meely cuke.

The obvious Leaf studs are Tomas Kaberle and Pavel Kubina. Besides the fact that they're both obvious top 2s, they'll eat the most minutes and play the point. I worry that Kaberle will take less shots this year as he will constantly be setting up Kubina's great low shot. Besides, both know that 9 times out of 10 a "trhni sih nohou voleh" will get you a "vyser si voko!"

Also, does anyone remember Wilson saying that had the Sharks acquired Kubina at last seasons' deadline , he wouldn't be the coach of the Leafs right now? In non-gay man-crush terms, that's like getting down on one knee and proposing. I look at this line as our obvious number 1. Game in, game out, playing them, is tantamount to chumming the waters.

If this line were a Hollywood movie soundtrack: "The Mission"

The second line pairing. To me this is all about a phrase we are going to hear a hundred times this year: make it or break it. If the Leafs can be accused of letting guys go too early, than they can also be accused of holding onto players too long. This year that honour belongs to Carlo Colaiacovo. Maybe even more so than Steen and Stajan, Colaiacovo has to prove he isn't made of popsicle sticks. As this has got to be Carlo's coming out year, his make it and not break it. I hope- and I know this is strange to say considering how soft the Leafs are- that Carlo plays less physically. He seems to get into the most trouble when he's trying to be Scott Stevens, so for that reason I hope to see him paired with Jeff Finger. Granted Finger isn't really known for his physical play (or his offensive play either) but I believe under Wilson's tutelage, he (Finger) will allow Carlo the room to play hockey. I also see this unit playing a big shutdown roles, and being a big part of (what I believe will be) an improved Maple Leaf penalty kill.

Hollywood Movie Soundtrack: "Footloose."

3rd pairing: With Frogren and Stralman already having been paired at the Worlds, it makes sense that they'd be the Leafs #3 unit. That is very encouraging. Even though I believe this duo (which will also rotate Van Ryn in and out) will see the other team's weaker forwards, developing under Wilson, this allows Stralman a chance to be competitive offensively. For that same reason (it being a real development line) I see White as the odd man out. Although I did really like him and his right hand shot playing on the wing the other night.

Hollywood Movie Soundtrack: "Dirty Dancing". (w/ Ian White as She's Like The Wind by Patrick Swayze)

GREENER: One of the smart things that JFJ did during his reign of terror was sign Vesa Toskala to that premature contract extension. With former-former coach Wilson in charge of putting up walls of good D around Vesa, a good season of good numbers and a bad win/loss record is to follow. The games the Leafs will win will be because of him, and really that's how it should be. As for the losses, there will be a lot of 2-1 and 3-2 tallies in the box scores this season. The question with Curtis Joseph is, is a 41 year old Cujo better as Leafs back-up than say, a 31 year old Marc Denis? Money wise, yes. The same goes for the locker room. Cujo has a big role to play off the ice as well as on, and you can already smell the post-retirement job offer the alumni crazy Leafs must be making him.

NORTE: As last season came to a close I began to wonder if Mr. Hakim Optical, Paul Maurice, had started Toskala as the #1 from the start of the season, would the Leafs have made the playoffs? Granted, nobody could have predicted Andrew Raycroft would have been a terrible as he is...pardon me...was...and playing yourself into number 1 sounds good in a media scrum but it failed the Leafs badly. The Brotherhood of the Mask insists that I say that I hope it didn't completely destroy young Raycroft. (Cos I know the moustache was just a way to mask the pain). But I am glad to see him gone. Toskala is a number 1 goalie and a very good one. I see this team losing a lot of games, potentially all 82, but I don't see Toskala getting blown out.

Now we have prodigal son Jo-sieve back in the fold. All is forgotten buddy. You and your eyebrow are welcome in my uniform any time. Truth be told, I love him in this role. It's a feel good signing of course, but who better to mentor our youngins (Mssrs. Reimer and Pogge) than Cujo?

I see him playing more games than Raycroft did (I'm thinking 18 -20) and winning more than Raycroft could. However I also see him until the trade deadline where he gets shipped out for a 5th rounder.

THE OUTSIDERS CHARACTER COMPARISON :

Toskala - Ponyboy Curtis

Joseph - Sodapop Curtis

Raycroft - Johnny Cade

There you have it, He Score/He Shoot: He Said/He Said. Brought to you by your friends Greener and Norte, c/o the great PPP. We hope you enjoyed us it.

Contemporary Design Comparison:

Greener: Mies van der Rohe

Norte: Le Corbusier

PPP: Frank Lloyd Wright

LIKE WINE, GREENER GETS MORE EXPENSIVE WITH AGE AND STINKS THE LONGER HE'S KEPT IN AN OAK BARRELL

If I could just get your attention...everyone...(clinks fork aggressively on glass) everyone...I would like to take a moment to mention something about our very own Greener. Forgive me for taking time out of your busy schedules.
What can you say about a man like Greener? Talented writer, great friend, terrific brother...no, nothing like that...but you can say that today he celebrates the day his mother could no longer carry his parasitic ass around in her stomach.
That's right, today is his birthday.

Right now in some shitty bar, some shitty band is singing Today Is Your Birthday, shittily directly to him. And Greener no matter what your age - you are always gonna be the prettiest girl in the room to most of us...not me mind you - but others. The gay ones with vision issues primarily.

It's either very new cheese or very old meat. Anybody who knows me knows I love three things; the Leafs, old Halloween candy and Greener. Quite frankly, you already know this is a blog about the Leafs/Oilers, so that gets the hockey angle out of the way. The fact is this is because of Greener, what I am writing and what you are reading. Because in italics- because of Greener, you are reading this post; on this blog which exists because of Greener. And in many confusing and sinister ways you could say that its because of Greener that I have my sparkling smile that dazzles you when we meet.

However I would rather talk about his quality posts (when he can be bothered to pick up his 24 carat pen) which are always funny and thoughtfully well written, timed perfectly with only a soupcon of gay that never undermines his actual hockey knowledge. That's Greener for you. He's just like that pretty gospel song about Jesus I can't remember the name of...He lays it all out on the line, every time.

In all honesty without him at the helm of the ship that is the HS HS/HS there would be no forum, other than bathroom stalls, to claim his greatness. (For those of you who may have read some of those posts, if you took down his number, I can still guarantee that, if you call him, he will provide a good time. ps. Just in case any of you were wondering, Greener, like Moose, speaks Greek.) But - a birthday, like a roast or a best man's speech, is one of the few times you get to burn someone you like this much, as much.

As the less than stellar Lennon-McCartney couplet said today is your birthday We're gonna have a good time, I'm glad it's your birthday - Happy birthday to you.

...having said that... the fact that you are yet another year older than me fills me with a kind of warm gooey embrace like living in an egg. An egg created by your anger and confusion (the white parts) over the tone of my tome, and the bitter betrayal you feel because of my delicious yellow yolk of words.

I was brought up to never kick a horse when its down but then I thought, forget about that shit.

Greener is now at any age where he has nothing left to learn the hard way and proves everyday to us and to himself that enthusiasm and 'trying real hard' will always triumph over actually possessing any talent.

Greener is like being a virtuoso on the recorder.

I am not sure of his exact age, I know it lies between Exhibition Stadium old and sending money to PBS old. He's like lukewarm old.
Truth be told, most of us our just counting the days until he starts talking to us about liniment.

You know Greener just had a birthday when you compliment him on his alligator shoes and then realize he's barefoot.

I don't mean to infer that Greener is old but he did take Katherine Helmond's virginity.

Savagely.

So please everybody from this day forward you will have to forgive Greener because as he's the first to tell you his memory is not as sharp as it used to be, also his memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also he wanted me to mention to stay off his lawn.

Zen and the Art of Hockey Team Repair

Is it hockey season yet? I'm not entirely sure. The evidence I've found has provided sketchy details. I haven't seen even one Leafs pre-season game. That's kind of my own fault though. I received messages from my homestyles at the Worldwide Leader in Sports, PPP, saying that there were links posted for me to watch them. Chemmy even graciously used the word "dummy" in his note. While I thought that that shot at Moose was uncalled for however accurate, that fact is, I'm still without seeing my beloveds this season.

I'm not going to blame the weather either. As you all know I live in L.A., where for most of the year the weather ranges from this:

To This:I'm used to that by now. The fact that on Tuesday I left a 4:30 meeting to go home and the temperature was 39 °C, didn't even faze me. Here's another thing like that: the fact that Curtis Joseph got murdered Wednesday night allowing 6 goals on 12 shots. Or was that 12 goals on 6 shots? No, no, it's the first one, 6/12, because the other way would just be crazy.

I'm unbugged by this for a number of reasons, and realistic expectations are numbers 1-7. This has made me quite happy as I've come to the wonderful realization that this season, the Toronto Maple Leafs can't hurt me, they can only surprise me. I really, truly know what kind of season the Leafs will most likely have, and honestly, I'm OK with it. I don't like it, but I accept it. That is called peace of mind, my friends. You know, I can't remember the last time I felt like this. Oh wait, now I do: Never.

I also know that, like Wednesday's game, we will see a lot of young Leafs playing slightly to radically out of their depth due to the likelihood of diabolical injuries which Toronto is already sipping heartily from, with pre-season hurts on N. Kulemin (knee), J. Finger (foot), P. Kubina (knee), J. Blake (leg), M. Stajan (lower body), D. Moore (groin), and C. Joseph (pride).

I will enjoy seeing the Earls', the Rogers', the Petiots' and whoever the Leafs get for Ian White, because this year, that's what this is about, my loves. It's what we wished for. A 7-3 loss here, and a lot of 3-2 losses there is the only way back to where this team is always and forever destined to be: Eliminating the Senators in the first round of the playoffs. Now go on, and enjoy your Thursday!

DEFINITELY MAYBE

Forgive me for getting all MOR and AOR on you, but I still think the best way to describe the Leafs youth movement is a couplet from international rock band Survivor. Let me set the scene: The year is 1982, it's a time in rock history where a group can make a video with a lead singer in a beret standing in front of a backdrop of wind-blown garbage bags, and go to #1. Yes, it's "Eye of the Tiger":

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive...

...except if your name is Darryl Boyce, Tim Stapleton, Brent Aubin, Stefano Giliati, Kyle Rogers, Dan Rudisuela, Greg Scott, Scott Langdon, Phil Oreskovic, Juha Uotila, Adam Munro, Michael Ouzas and James Reimer.

These guys, their NHL dreams squashed OHL-penny-on-the-train-tracks flat, these misfits, overagers, not strong enoughs, old enoughs, and not foot-speeds enoughs can drown their collective sorrows in the knowledge that the Marlies team bus now has heat.

I had the game against the Pens on the other night and couldn't recognize who had the puck at a glance. Which is something I have always been able to do. Within picoseconds of seeing the screen I could identify Darcy skating or Mats taking a pass or McCabe trying to give-away the puck or McCabe not being able to clear the front of the net or McCabe thinking he'll get away with the can opener this time or ....wait, wait, wait, he's gone right? And the names of the players?
It was like roll call on Hill Street Blues.

Do you remember the last time we had a who in the hell is that guy team? 1997 - 98 I believe, when we finished the season with a paltry 69 points. Just in case your math is as bad as mine, that's missing the playoffs by 21 points. Not 1 or 2 or even 10. 21. That's blackjack for chrissakes.
The previous 2 seasons of 68 points and 80 points (respectively) meant that the rebuild came in the form of change of coach, system, and philosophy. (Sound familiar?) We played who in the hell is that guy(s); Alyn McCauley, Sergei Berezin, Steve Sullivan and Mike Johnson. Had 2 unproven rookies named Danny Markov and Thomas Kaberle in our top 6 D who nobody expected to play above expectations as they did. All that bottom feeding garnered us nothing more than 24th pick where we chose Swiss never-ran Luca Cereda. It makes my brain, whatcha-ma-call-it...itchy. Cos I know we don't have that team of "Who In The Hell Is That Guy(s)?!" this year. I'm excited about them, but then again, maybe not.

Thankfully I have this blog because back in the iron age, in the before time, when there was no avenue like the computer to allow us to rage against the machine, angry Leafs fans could only assuage their fury with gay bashing.

MY OWN PRIVATE TANENBAUM Recently I read comments made by Larry Tanenbaum. That he and MLSE weren't interested in just winning one Stanley Cup, but wanted years of "competitive" teams based on slow, intelligent and steady growth. Considering that this is the man and the regime that squandered our first-round draft picks and prospects for what amounted to a bunch of lottery tickets, this new 180 degrees from the quick fix seems suspect. His words actually made me sad that a hockey brain as shoddy as his was in charge of decisions that impacted on my life so greatly.

But we've all known people like Larry Tanenbaum. They're our high school principals and bank managers, our girlfriend's fathers. Local news anchormen; authortative and arrogant...douchebags basically. And douchbaggery is part of their schematic like single malt breath and a taste for human blood.
My own Larry Tanenbaum is a relative that once bragged to me about the cost of his suit; I was 8. He also wore loafers with tassels on them. Which is still so pretentious and gross that it makes me yak a little in my own mouth to this day.

The problem is that The Larry Tanenbaum's of the universe control the universe and just like our very own Larry Tanenbaum, peach-coloured asshole; Larry Tanenbaum, they're fucking it up. The Larry Tanenbaums of the Universe are the living embodiment of that scorpion/frog story - the one that's supposed to learn you something when you hear it. The moral being Larry Tenenbaums sting, cos it's what Larry Tenenbaums do.

Larry Tanenbaums are bad tippers. Larry Tanenbaums are terrible dancers. Larry Tanenbaums sit with their legs uncomfortably wide open. Larry Tanenbaums like wall to wall, 4 car, 9 iron. Larry Tanenbaums like the organ, probably. Larry Tanenbaums will give you more lip service than Greener working his way backstage at a Skid Row/Poison concert (last summer), maybe, and that's an alarming amount.

And its always the same rhetoric isn't it? Whether they're selling you a car, looking for weapons of mass destruction or dismissing Steve Yzerman like he was a bad smell. Which our personal Tanenbaum, Tanenbaum, did when asked about Stevie Y as a candidate for the vacant Leafs GM job recently. Tanenbaum had just come from killing some baby birds he found in a nest when the question made him visibly bristle. "Steve Yzerman," he began, his eyebrow raising a late period Roger Moore, his posture resembling a patient with Scoliosis or some other spinal deformity, "Oh God," he blasphemed, "not another rookie GM?" Besides then making the temperature in the room drop a few degrees by suddenly laughing maniacally a full three minutes, Tanenbaum then proceeded to bring out a a puppet crafted to resemble John Ferguson Jr. and dumped his bottle of water over its head.

I once read that the guys at MLSE like to think of new ways to use the word retard and always order lots of take-out and then not answer the door when it comes. Someone once told me that MLSE had a slumber party where our Larry Tanenbaum forced Jim Leech and Robert Bertram (both of the Ontario Teachers Pension Plan) to hold hands and kiss just to make Ivan Fecan and Richard Peddie laugh. And our Larry Tanenbaum is that Larry Tanenbaum: and he's exactly like you've heard.

Kyle Wellwood Finishes Dinner, NHL Career

There's a popular- I don't know what it is- saying, phrase, feeling, that we as Leafs fans have when we banish someone from the paradisaical planes of Leafs Kingdom. It's based in part upon wise experience, and part in self-hating fantasy. It goes something, but only something, like this: "He'll for sure come back to haunt us." Sound familiar? Of course it does.

This is something of a birthright for Leafs fans. We've earned the ability to utter something so entirely self-defeating. The Leafs are a team well known for squandering assets based on any number of criteria: From the necessary (Bryan McCabe trade), to the desperate (Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft), to the heinously stupid (The entire Ballard regime). It's partly the fear that your team has made a terrible mistake, and partly a basic insecurity in all of us, like when you don't want your ex to find anyone better than you. Although that's never happened to me. Am I right, ladies? Ladies? Ladies!?

I believe western Canadian scientists have found the antidote to this common Leaf-based affliction, and its name is Kyle Wellwood.

As reported on CBC, TSN and a Jenny Craig location near you, the former apple pie of my eye has done the unthinkable, and by unthinkable, I mean everything I predicted for Kyle since last year: he's shown up to another NHL training camp fat, out-of-shape, and as one Canucks executive said while dry-heaving into a garbage pail, "Oh my God... our second line center!"

Kyle, seen here doing his off-season training, saved his father from throwing him under the bus this year, instead replacing him with Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault. Vigneault went public with his concerns about Wellwood's lack of fitness and commitment to being a pro hockey player, in an attempt to light a fire under Kyle. Let me tell you something, Kyle Wellwood sitting on top of a solid rocket booster, is not enough fire under this guy to get him motivated.

When asked for a comment after news of Vigneault's unhappiness leaked, Kyle simply stated that he knows he'll have to improve his conditioning, adding, "Is 48% body fat really too much?"

However, there are those in the Canucks organization not unhappy with Wellwood in the blue and green. The ladies who provide the team with all their meals and snacks think he's a real delight:

"What a darling..." said one. "...he said he loves the way I do me celery sticks with peanut butter and raisins on top! He told me he keeps some in his glove during practices."
"Same thing Elvis did!" said her friend.

WOLF...WOLF...WOLF....WOLF

First thing you have to know right off the bat is that I have slept maybe 2 hours in the last 3 or so days. So perhaps tonight you can give old Norte a little leeway on the syntax and grammar of my post (even more than usual.) The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotion that have included both the most wonderful memories of my life and some that were so terrible that at one point I fainted into some shrubbery.

Due to these some of these very circumstances I wasn't able to watch the first game of the season tonight, which is a shame because I love watching the first game of the season. Even though anyone who knows me knows that I feel pre-season games are akin to brushing your teeth with your finger.

This year I wanted to break with tradition, my hockey tradition, and rebuild too. So what I really wanted to do, this year, was base my opinion, the entire judgment of the season, on tonight's game. If only to say once that Finger looked like a monster out there or that Luke Schenn was a minute eater and a warhorse. Or that the powerplay has a new quarterback in Van Ryn and his Office of Scientific Intelligence (OSI) endorsed wrists.

That Colaiacovo didn't get you-know-what out there and that tonight when Hollweg got into his first Toronto Maple Leaf fight: when Andrew Peter's told him he was going to bust him up..., that Hollweg told him to ...go for it.

And Robbie Earl, the Leafs winner for most Caribbean sounding name award three years running (nowhere near the record set by 1970's Leaf tough guy Livingston Barrington) proving why the team chose him over anyone else in the 6th round.

Not to mention Boyd Devereaux, Matt Stajan, Jiri Tlusty, Ian White, Mark Bell or Ben Ondrus.

And Nikolai Kulemin looking mean in the corners, in the area I am officially calling Kulemin's Korner, begins to make everyone wonder how to spell Kulemin.

And Dominic Moore, the pre-season's leading scorer, scoring in the third to establish a three goal margin. It was the best two goals that Dominic Moore has scored on Jhonas Enroth to establish a three goal margin in a third period all year, and that's something.

Coach Ron Wilson's new program of defensive and disciplined hockey already establishing itself early with the meager 4 goals and a very stingy 29 shots the team allowed.

And kudos to the guys for 300 shots allowed, as initiation, in the 2nd on Pogge...can I hear a huzzah?

Ultimately the whole point of this would be that the referees were #36 Dean Morton and #33 Kevin Pollack and the linesman were #50 Scott Cherrey and #71 Brad Kovachik.

99 Seasons, But the Habs Aint One (Hundred)

Well, well, well, look who comes crawling back. Greener. You think I can just waltz back to my blog and post again? Ha! If I don't, who will? Norte? OK, yeah, for sure he will, but will I get any of the credit for it? I thought not. Truth is, with all the hype surrounding Chris Didomenico, I simply had to come back. And thanks to overwhelming support from readers like you, I'm happy to return from my blog sabbatical, where I spent my time in the depths of introspection, and doing amazing anonymous works for charity. I don't really want to say much about it, but take it from me, if you mispronounce "Quidditch" while reading to a blind person, you will get hit.

With training camp now up and running, and so many stories to get hilariously right, I thought I might just talk about something that's been bugging me all week. And no, I don't mean the email I got from Moose that was signed off with "Love always, Moose".

The NHL hype machine -seen above running at peak efficiency- has now started to swirl around the Montreal Canadiens, because, of course who deserves it more? What with all that continued success they've had, uh...ok, what with all those star players who...ok, hold on, let me rethink this. The media is so set on making this the Canadiens year (whether they like it or not) that they are coming up with new standards with which to appraise them. In their new league wide yearbook, The Hockey News gave them an overall team ranking of "A++++++++". Their manly 'D' rated a stout "700 Gold Dubloons", and their potent offense garnered a glowing "6 Angelina Jolie Breasts out of 6".

I must say this is a delightful sideways change from the past say, 5 or six years, in which The Hockey News, the entire Sun Media chain and the credibility-free, gastric by-pass failure Bruce Garrioch have all colluded to force us to drink the "Ottawa Senators will win it all" dog-shit Kool-aid. Yeah, I love fantasy too. The moral of that story is that you have to actually have a spine for someone to be able to pat you on the back.

But wait, like any senior citizen, the Canadiens deserve our respect. I mean, it's their 100th anniversary, right? Wrong. This is not the Habs' 100th year, it is, in fact their 99th. The Canadiens were birthed on December 4th, 1909. That, my lovelies, was 99 years ago. The o8/09 season is quite a bit different from the 09/10 season. Like, say, 1 year different. This annoying little fact seems to bother no one in the NHL or the hockey media that much, and they're rushing to prove their ignorance.

Like hey, in honor of the Habs 100th year, how about we gift wrap the annual outdoor game for them! Yeah, great! What? They've already been involved in one? Who cares, that was years ago, they weren't 100 then! We'll play it in Olympic Stadium! What? You say that the place is a decrepit death trap that everyone hates? That even Montrealers don't want the game? No, no, I hear you...but you didn't hear me: THEY'RE 100!!!!

Also on the Habs front, has anyone ever seen a man more miserable than Patrick Roy when he was crowbarred into his old red, white and blue #33 the other day? I mean, I don't know how to say, "I beg you, don't make me put that on!" in French, but I bet it sounds like "...something something something Tabarnack!!"
I'm assuming Roy is religious, because only someone who's made a deal with the Devil could appear so unhappy at the news of his jersey retirement.

"OK, I put on da sweater. NOW can I be da coach??"

The Canadiens are desperate to milk all this free goodwill, that they will raise Roy's number to the Bell Center rafters, along with other Montreal greats who don't despise the team. The Habs are too late on this one, as forever, Patrick Roy is an Avalanche. The same way that Mark Messier will always be remembered as a Ranger, and not an Oiler. The Rangers ingeniously branded Messier a Ranger seconds after his retirement, and the tears he cried at Rexall Place when the Oilers finally got around to honoring him years later, looked quaintly similar to his mawkish "Long Live the King" ceremony on the ice at Madison Square Garden.

A guy like Roy has a long memory. A lot longer than the Habs', who conveniently forget how they chased their last franchise player out of town, straight to the jewelers for fittings on two more Stanley Cup rings.

"Tank you, Satan!"

THE 2008-09 EDMONTON OILERS: NOW WITH 40% MORE HYPE!

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RHODES SCHOLAR'S APPLY WITH RESUME and PHOTO

Uh oh.

I am reminded of something from my youth. When I was about 17 I had to go see a doctor. I'd rather not get into the nitty gritty of the why I went, suffice to say that I was forced to, and even then I didn't leave with the script for Percodan that I'd requested. I did however leave with this: During the visit and in the course of why I was there (still none of your beeswax) the Dr. said to me, "Okay this is going to hurt", at which point I responded, '"something very bad is going to happen", at which point something (very bad) indeed did.

You don't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to know there's going to be rocky days ahead Yesterday as I read Fletch's comments I was reminded of that doctor's visit. Fletch as usual looked dashing in his casual elegance. The Silver Fox, candid as his grandfatherly eyes, all soft and gooey like a grilled cheese, warned those gathered around him not to expect much from the Toronto Maple Leafs this season. That there were rocky roads not to mention tough games and tough stretches ahead. Again I thought to myself, uh-oh, something very bad is going to happen.

It's like being told your blind date doesn't have a good personality either.

It's amazing what can happen in a year. It was but a year ago (or thereabouts) that the old regime, Paul Maurice in particular, in an interview with Bill Watters stated, "We will make the playoffs." And now in a mere 365 days (or thereabouts), we've been warned by the GM that not only are the Leafs not a playoff team, but they may also be kinda shitty.

When you already know something is shitty and are then subsequently warned (that it's shitty) you know you have something of supernal shittyness on your hands.

With essentially a new team- Mats gone, Tucker gone, McCabe gone, Wellwood gone, and coach Paul Maurice, himself a few months removed from winning Miss Congeniality in the New York Islanders pageant- now making his playoff predictions in front of the Hakim Optical at the corner of Yonge and Bloor. (He goes on right after the guy with the guitar who always runs for mayor. )

I know this is a bold prediction and Paul Maurice be damned but I don't think we're gonna make the playoffs.
One can only hope that Fletch saying the Leafs have but 1 top six forward on the team is his way of motivating the other 5 that might be to prove that they are. Their time really is now.

What did confuse from old Cliff were his comments on the upcoming draft. Did I miss something? Wasn't next years draft super stacked? Tavares, Hedman, Cowen, Schenn, Duchene, Svennson-Paajarvi all can't miss. For a moment Fletch had me spinning like he had just asked me if a train travelling south leaves the station at 3 pm going 60km/hr and a train heading North at 80km/hour...

If the top 6 I just mentioned aren't a Crosby or an Ovechkin or a Malkin or even a Staal - then who exactly are they?

GOING, GOING, GONE

Reminiscing is dangerous. Besides being habit forming, it also leaves you at risk for the romantic. And the romantic, like being drunk, clouds your vision with glasses so rosey, that they once starred in a movie with Ray Milland. It’s like being drunk, but with less making out with fat chicks (whom I happen to adore). Reminiscing is what makes your first apartment cozy and full of charm, instead of the cramped, cockroach infested expensive anus that it was. (Remind me one day to tell you the story of the paper thin walls and my next door neighbor, the hustler.) Reminiscing is what makes all the crazy women who ever left you emotionally battered and bruised, lovely, eccentric and misunderstood. In other words, reminiscing can really fuck with you.

As this version of the Toronto Maple Leafs lost another piece of its longtime puzzle, the Captain, I have heard, of that country club atmo which stunk up the dressing room like Eau de Home Permanent parfume. The trade with the Panthers, the worst kept secret in hockey since that one about Daniel Alfredson and the gerbil, also included perpetually limp-wristed Mike Van Ryn and a 4th rounder (that Fletch sent with McCabe) that was hopefully no more than compensation for Chad "I don’t want to take my medication" Kilger.

I know that McCabe told Kypreos that there was no interest in him at trade deadline last year but Florida seems an odd choice with which to waive his NMC. What's worse is that Martin couldn't have been swindled in the deal somehow.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (not yet, but the yoga helps) but I predicted McCabe being run out of town Larry Murphy style in a post last year. Okay truth be told, I could be making that up as I am too lazy to find the actual post I wrote it in. Hopefully He Score/He Shoot's very own J. Jonah Jameson, Greener, will and surgically implant the link here (in brackets) thus making it look like I did all the work and sort of making the whole last part of this paragraph pretty moot.
Does anyone else notice the alarming rate with which Fletch is giving away our drafts? Not to backseat GM but isn't this the 9th or 10th he's given away?
Regardless, it's a sad end for a warhorse like Brian. No matter how terrible some of his gaffs were. In a way he's being punished for JFJ and the alarmingly terrible job he did. Which reminds me of a teacher I once had named Mr. Owen. Mr Owen was that special kind of teacher-cunty that makes you want to set upon them with a pillowcase full of doorknobs. Mr Owen hated me even before I stepped foot in his class because he once taught my brother.

I think everyone agreed Brian had to move down the couch as it were, that his time here was finished and he was wanted as piles. And as I reminisce (which, as I have already stated, is never a good idea) and wonder what Brian McCabe could've/would've gotten at the trade deadline 2 years ago my head already hurts. So I ask you readers - had we traded Brian 2 years ago when his asking rate was at a premium - who do you think we could've/would've had for him? Ow, my brain.

TASTE THE EXCELLENCE: GILMOUR

If this were a blog about conspiracy theories about Elvis, I might write something like: Elvis is alive and well and lives in Tweed, Ontario. If it were a blog about poker, I might lie and tell you that Daniel Nagraneau and I went to the same high school and that he was a snob. More likely I would write that I once saw him go all in when he’d hit for trip 8’s on fifth street but still got beaten by a belly-buster straight draw gut shot that Brunson had been checking on all game.

If I were 19 years old, tall, Dutch, had bad acne, loved Japanese Noise Rock, played left handed bass and lived on a houseboat in Rotterdam, you'd be reading how de muziek van The Boredoms betekent alles aan me en hun album Pop Tartari van 1992 is een meesterwerk en waarschijnlijk enige redden. I doden zelf toen ik 16. And that my favorite quote attributed to the band was said on their Anal to Anal tour and although generally attributed to Yamantaka Eye, sounds more like something Yoshikawa Toyohito would have said, ‘Het geluid is overal. Het is om het even wat. En wat wij denken is interessant, geluid, beginnen wij aan collage met het samen…...maar neem niet zo ernstig wat wij `aangaande het doen.’

With a few more drinks in me I may even tell you how as the only one of my friends who didn't wait in line for 5 hours (with their mums) at Honest Ed's to meet Mr. T that cold November day in 1983, (he being there to sign autographs of his book, "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool") I was ostracized over it the rest of the school year.

But as a blog about hockey, I firmly believe that it should be about hockey. My wife, who I have mentioned before is a stone cold fox and therefore has had run ins with NHLers before
- once told me a story that I would like to relate to you. I haven’t written about it already because it does somewhat besmirch a former Leaf Captain, and truth be told it’s not much of a story. In fact it might even be kinda crap and no matter how much tissue I stuff into it (see opening paragraph) my tits still look small in this bra, you know. Regardless – it’s the dog days, and what do you want – another story about Sundin?

My wife is a straight shooter so I believe her about this but I also know that she takes glee in insulting the Leafs - so buyer beware.
She was watching our nephew once in 2002 while shopping at Sherway Gardens. The very same mall I met Tomas Kaberle and Gary Roberts (the 2nd time). Her nephew, being the good Toronto boy he is, happened to be wearing a Leafs jersey that day, and not just any Leafs jersey but a Doug Gilmour Leafs jersey. Imagine their surprise when who happens to walk past them at the mall but Dougie Gilmour. Now you have to understand, this is new millennium Dougie: it's suits Dougie. Not mullett-with-his-teeth-out-trying-to-make-some-dying-children-laugh-at-Sick-Kids-and-makes-the-cover-of-the-Sun-Dougie. This is future Leaf GM Dougie Gilmour. He is groomed.

My wife approached him and called out his name. He ignored her. This left my nephew wondering why one of his Leaf heroes was treating him like a bitch, so he called his name. Again, Gilmour ignored them. My wife called his name a third time, Dougie finally looked at her with what could only be described as the stink eye (see above). It was the 4th time when he turned again and asked her (and our 8 year old nephew) what her problem was.

My wife, who would take on Wolverine if he pissed her off, said back, "You're my problem." If she were wearing gloves she woulda dropped them.

Dougie, and this is the part that you can choose to believe or not, stood there for a moment - looking at her, then down at our nephew and his jersey then back up at her, a Mexican-Canadian standoff if you will. Eventually Dougie called my wife a bitch and walked away. What saved Dougie from the severe beating my wife would have put to him, besides the crack Sherway Gardens security staff ("What do you mean I can't skateboard in the food court?")was that our nephew was there.

Moral of the story: Don't take drugs or jaywalk.

FACE OFF : I <3 GARY ROBERTS

You know that old saying about New York City? The one that says that the city is so nice that they named it twice? (New York, New York) Well I think of Gary Roberts in the same way. And sometimes I wonder if I should start calling him "Gary Roberts, Gary Roberts" as a way of demonstrating my love and admiration for him. Other times I wonder if I should really be saying these things out loud.

Forgive me for getting all regionalistic here but if there isn't already a Gary Roberts Day in towns and cities across Southern Ontario, then there should be. If somebody were to start a petition I would sign it. Probably even with my real name, no Reginald Ratsrectum, Farty McCunty or some other "funny" nom de plume I thought of at that moment. In fact if somebody were to start a petition to have a national (paid) holiday to celebrate Gary Roberts Day, I would sign it twice. And you are looking at a guy who once signed a petition for Greenpeace as Dr. Bernard Innerlabia-Soccer (Mrs.)

Without exposing too much of my non-gay-man/boy crush I have on Gary (too late?), let me give you the tangibles: Leadership, grit, an almost single handed demolition of the sens in the playoffs.1194 hard fought games, 2533 hard fought pims. The ability to make grown men half his age look sissy - did I mention how badly he demolishes the sens in the playoffs? I didn't? Pardon me, I love how Gary Roberts destroys the sens in the playoffs. This is Gary Roberts, he doesn't sleep, he waits. And in a strange way I take a certain perverse glee thinking about how badly he could beat me up if we ever got into a fist fight.

You know he is from North York but did you know that Gary Roberts could also tell you the best place to take a shit at the Vatican? Or that Gene Simmons owns the rights to his name? I personally believe that there should be something bronzed, perhaps replicas of Gary Roberts' baby skates, erected in gazebos in parks or at the edges of lakes everywhere. Not only do I believe that Gary Roberts embodies what it is to be a Toronto Maple Leaf, but that Gary Roberts is like Ontario itself, nay Canada itself. Stop me before I start quoting Gord Downie lyrics that seem fitting.

I saw Gary Roberts play live 3 times. Against Edmonton, Tampa Bay and Carolina and he was amazing in all 3 games. The first time I met him was in a Blockbuster on the Queensway in Toronto. It was during the lockout and I was so desperate for hockey that I had been reduced to renting Don Cherry Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em videos.

Let's Go.

I wasn't all annoying fan, all interrupting him during his dinner or like Wayne and Garth meeting Alice Cooper... but we interacted. He asked me if I had seen the movie he was going to rent and if it was any good (it was). I made him laugh by asking him if I could take a photo with him and then shook his hand and froze as I pretended someone took our photo.

The very next day while shopping at the very excellent Sherway Gardens mall, I ran into him again. This time he approached me and -hand on a stack of bibles- when he shook my hand he froze and pretended to have his photo taken.
And you know what I said to him? I said, "It's really hack to steal another dude's material Gary."
And now all these years later, even though I still think it's hack to steal someones jokes, I will never forget our time together. Nor will I ever forget what I now refer to as my Summer of Gary.