It Never Has To Hurt Like This Again

I got dumped hard one time by a girl I really, really liked. I proceeded to spend the next 2 months not really feeling like I had the ability to breathe. The world around me seemed like a blur. One evening, as I was sitting on my bed, not feeling like I had the ability to breathe, I heard in my ears, a loud, discernable, "thump". I looked around to see what it was, but it was only me there. I wondered what it could be, and after hours of semi-coherent thought, figured out what it was: That, in my despair, I had hit bottom. I realized that this was the worst moment of an already unbearable situation. Tonight, against a team with a feral cat as it's logo, the Toronto Maple Leafs, each one of them, heard their own discernable "thump". This was the worst moment of an already unbearable situation. The worst defeat of the season. Losing 8-0 at home.

In his post game interview Mats said, "Everyone who wore the sweater should be ashamed of the way we played." After a loss like this, they should also be ready to be traded. With even Joe Bowen and Greg Millen saying that this team is going to look very different the next time the Leafs play the Panthers on the 27th of this month, very few of the Leafs should be comfortable they are safe from being traded outright. Or, for those Leafs lucky enough to have a NTC, receiving a phone call that will sound like this:

Bye-ee indeed. That phone call means that Trader-Cliff is going to try and convince you to let him Trader-You. In Matt Stajan's post game interview, he starts to speak of the Leafs locker room, about how they have a really good group, then he steers the subject away to something else. They know that it's on now, and that that good group is not for long.

Such shoddy defence today. That Hall Gill in the feet miscue, being the worst. After the 10 second-in 2nd period goal, it just seemed like everything went wrong for the Leafs, no bounces, no good rolls. The only "break" they got was when Raycroft got killed on a breakaway wrister and it wrang off the post. Is it just me or does it look that the majority of the goals scored on Toskala are of the "just throw it at the net, look for a tip" variety? He's so strong and it's just those ugly ones that get him. Raycroft on the other hand, Jesus. Every goal on him now is from a sick rebound he gives up to the slot. He's just got nothing. It's gone beyond ridiculous and now it's just sad. Having said that, I think it's disgusting when fans mock a player like some in the ACC did tonight to Raycroft. I mean, he's on our goddamn team! Do you really think he's just slumming, and taking it easy down there? That he's not really trying to change the outcome of his game/career/life? That behaviour is beneath us as fans.

So that "thump" I heard was the worst moment. But you know what? It got better after that, and it was never as bad again. Maybe that's what we and the Leafs are about to see come the trade deadline. That we'll get ourselves together, and it won't hurt as much ever again.

NORTE'S POST? LIKE A ROLLER COASTER RIDE WHERE YOU BARF UP YOUR COTTON CANDY, BUT IT'S OK COS IT TASTES KINDA SWEET IN YOUR MOUTH

“Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves."
-Fight Club

Clearly the first rule of quoting Fight Club is there is no quoting Fight Club. OR something. Look, I want to talk hockey, not Fight Club. Stop bringing up Fight Club, what’s with you and that movie? Jesus….you’re always talking about that movie. Fight Club, Fight Club, Fight Club….enough with the Fight Club…Jesus.

And scene.

This morning I woke up in a cold sweat. I was having a terrible dream, the same terrible dream most of the night. There I was, Norte: bons viveurs, goalie, blogger, looking as handsome as ever, swept up in what can only be described as trade fever. I was like an animal in my dream. Some terrible clawed and fanged creature, in an ironic t-shirt, googling things like Stamkos, Taveres, Edler instead of the usual cotillion of boobs, Asian, horny.
There I was, blood shot eyes (which admittedly isn’t that abnormal) with a ‘why Grandma what big teeth you have’ smile reading about the demise of the Edmonton Oilers. Laughing, howling at the moon if you will, at the news of Shawn Horcoff and his shoulder. Forgive me Moose and Wash, but I'm enjoying the potential of your teams L's almost as much as my own team’s.
The words Is he or isn’t he? Will he or won’t he? Flashing past me like whistle stops in bad film noir. No Trade Clause blinking on and off like broken neon. It was a terrible dream…and it was one of those dreams that you keep having every time you fall back asleep. Problem was….I’m that episode of Dallas…cos, guess what, I'm not asleep. I’m Bobby Ewing and I’m in the shower.

Hello, my name is Norte and I am addicted to reading about the upcoming trade deadline.
I don’t particularly like how much interest I am investing in trade speculation….but this is the most fun I have had regarding the Leafs this year. Admittedly it’s a little horrifying to realize that the trade has to be like that Beatles couplet about the love you give equaling the love you get back: you want Stamkos or an Edler then you have to be both really shitty and open to trading a Sundin and a Kaberle. And sadly I am not talking Ronnie or Frantisek.
Do I want to see Kaberle go? Of course not. Absolutely not actually. I don’t want him to go. I had always hoped he would be sort of like the Leafs version of Lidstrom: (one crest, Norris mainstay)…but the big picture, the big picture…with that contract of his to boot. I believe he would garner as much attention as Sundin (on contract and age alone).
My fear is that the trade that (will) happen(s) will already have been posted on a thousand different blogs…so when it does finally happen…it’ll be like…oh that deal.
I like the Ducks potential best because as I said above the Oilers are pretty shitty this year too. My fingers are crossed for that one. Secondly…with Mats? Can you imagine? Mats and Teemu? Cos you know Teemu will finally be hitting mid-season stride around April too. And Kaberle is only 30….Christ I could shed a tear thinking about it.
The anticipation of the where and the when and for what….is kind of thrilling. You get to imagine. Shit…hmmm…how about Kubina to Chicago for Cam Barker. Darcy to Calgary for Dustin Boyd. Yeah, you think, over ride trade rejection. Mats to the Ducks for Bobby Ryan, Edmonton’s first round this year. That sounds good…..but wait…suddenly it hits me…Wait a minute….Taveres isn’t eligible for this years draft cos he was born three days before the eternal equinox in a leap year…so that means he would be available in 2009 right?
This is exactly like eating at a Chinese food buffet. There are two ways to approach it. You can pile it on right away, eyes bigger than your stomach, no regard for the Kung Po as you dump on the Mu Shu, practically drowning your Ling Mung Gai in Wu Lo Yuk.
And there are people who go up…and come back with a soup.
I hear that next year’s draft is gonna be another good one and I ask, hypothetically of course, what would I rather have? Jonathon Toews or Jonathon Toews and Patrick Kane? Crosby or Crosby/Malkin? Clearly rebuilding is a faster process these days but this may be the time, the perfect time to open with the soup.

This Is Your Captain...Prepare To Dive!

Well, maybe the hockey gods aren't quite done grinding their heels into our neck just yet. News today that Shawn Horcoff is done for the year with shoulder surgery. There's three players this team can't afford to be without for any prolonged stretch: Hemsky, Moreau and Horcoff. The offensively challenged Oilers will now head into the homestretch without their leading scorer and best all-around player.

This team still has more quality than last years' injury riddled version that limped home, losing 18 of their final 20 games, but you get the sense that a similar slide is only a Robyn Regher bodycheck away (keep your head up, Ales). Much of this team is still very young, and the veterans haven't found any way to produce on a consistent basis. With team confidence teetering on the rim of the toilet, the last thing they needed was to lose Horcoff and bury their slim playoff hopes. If you've read any of my posts this season, you know my opinion of Shawn Horcoff. There aren't many players in the NHL that do more things to help their team win than #10. It's a tough, tough blow. All that said, I'm actually glad Calgary is coming to town tonight. After getting kicked in the gut, you want to see what this team is made of, especially the kids. Time to stand up and be counted.

Of course the injury also impacts the Oilers at the draft table. With the Oil already sitting 14th in the Western Conference, it's safe to say Brian Burke's ego isn't getting any smaller these days. I can only hope he's stupid enough to trade the pick at the deadline. Hey Mats, Orange County is beautiful this time of year! Folks, the kid to the left is Steve Stamkos, and he's going to look absolutely wretched in an Anaheim Ducks uniform. Make no mistake, there are a lot of scouts who say Stamkos would be the first pick even if John Tavares was in this draft. He's that good. How does Dustin Penner for Steve Stamkos, plus, plus, sound? In the big picture, Horcoff's injury might just cost Kevin Lowe his job.

Come And Get It, Scott Pattison

First off, I don't want any trouble. I'm the calm, rational one at HS/HS, the "glue guy." I just wanna talk hockey, because for me, it's all about the game. You know? Unfortunately, some of us here have a burning desire to see the spotlight fixed on them, and that means controversy. Right, Washingtron? The first thing everyone should know is that Wash is a stand-up guy; a class act. But, I think this requires an explanation. Especially in light of this.

Let's not rush to judgment. I'm sure everything will be explained in the near future. In the meantime, we ask our readers for their support and understanding. Back to hockey:

It's been a while, eh? In fact, I'm not sure I'm actually allowed to post on here anymore. I half-expected to try and login today, only to find that Greener had removed my posting privileges. Anyway, today seemed like a good day to talk Oilers hockey, what with nothing else going on in the sporting world. Plus, you don't really want ANOTHER post analyzing Boyd Devereaux's 8 minutes of ice-time, do you? Oh, you do? Shit. Well, indulge me.

2007-08 Edmonton Oilers = Dry Toast

The Oilers turned "seller" a bit earlier than I thought they would, when they dealt Dick Tarnstrom to Columbus for Curtis Glencross, on Friday. The surprise didn't stem from any belief that they can make the playoffs (they can't), rather the expectation that Tarnstrom's value would have been higher closer to the deadline. That being said, Tarnstrom has had a really rough year, and it saves the Oilers a bit of money.

On the surface, the trade ticks all the required boxes of any Oiler trade:

- Lowe throws his buddy (Scott Howson) a bone.
- Glencross is a local kid (Born in Kindersly, SK - but grew up in Red Deer).
- Oilers get a MacT-type player.

I kinda like this deal though. The few times I watched the Jackets play this year, he actually got my attention. Granted it was partially due to not knowing who the fuck Curtis Glencross was. However, in those particular games, he played on the power play, he played with Rick Nash, and most importantly, he showed some 'jam'. If there's one thing the Oilers have lacked this year it's jam. Lots of peanut butter (Zack Stortini), very little jam. I expect he'll be a decent fit alongside Brodziak, and should be a 10-15 goal guy.

From a personnel standpoint, Glencross is an RFA making $522k, and the Oil should have no problem re-signing him in the off-season. On the depth chart, he should be a nice (and cheaper) replacement for Sanderson (pending UFA), and could have enough upward mobility to crack the top 9 forwards.

This deal also signifies the organization's waning faith in what's down on the farm, namely Pouliot and J.F. Jacques. Pouliot is an RFA this summer, and at $942k I suspect he may not even be qualified this summer. Speaking of jam, Jacques is a guy with great size and skating ability and seemed poised to finally bring the spread this year. I'm talking about a nice, seeded, boysenberry preserve. Turns out he's more like a shitty, pectin-infused, Smuckers packet you get on the table at Denny's. That being said, he has size (which the Oilers need) and a smaller salary ($650k), so he'll probably get another contract.


How About Now, Greener?

Remember this moment? Remember that feeling in your gut? Knowing that we were the best team in the NHL, and Stanley was coming back to Edmonton? That was before Marc-Andre Bergeron, Andrew Ladd, and torn knee ligaments. It was before Ty Conklin, before G7 heartbreak, and yet the future still seemed bright. That was before Chris Pronger made like bitch, before Ryan Smyth was just about the fucking money, and before our lottery pick was headed to Anaheim. It's been two years of hell, but maybe the hockey gods are finished with us.

Word today is that Daryl Katz has closed the deal to buy the Edmonton Oilers and has near 100% of the desired shares (Note: Greener's sources are still reporting otherwise). The final holdouts on the board have now recommended acceptance of the deal to the shareholders. It might be the best thing to happen to the Oilers since the Spring of '06. This deal isn't just about an owner spending to the cap, building a new training facility, or building a new arena. It's about image. It's about the city of Edmonton. Everyone knows the Oilers have had problems attracting free agents. In the long term, what this deal does is give a facelift to the city of Edmonton. The new training facility at the University of Alberta will, without a doubt, be one of a kind in the NHL. The new downtown arena, coupled with the proposed shopping and hotel complex, will help revitalize a city in need of a boost.

Daryl Katz, much like Mark Cuban did for the Dallas Mavericks, will give a face of legitimacy to the Edmonton Oilers in a way the "mom and pop" EIG couldn't. That's no knock on them, they're heroes to every Edmonton Oiler fan, and Katz has pledged to honor them appropriately. But it's time for the "Little Engine That Could" to...well, "could!" I want to get back to those times when we "coulded" five times in seven years. With the right tweaking, this team is capable of "coulding" again. Suddenly, the future seems bright again.

Who we playing tomorrow?!?! Oh, great, back into the fire.

Leafs 4, Senators 2. Bob Cole's Night Ruined

There is something people should know about a mostly Toronto based Canadian media: Because people in Canada can at times feel like they are broken down into two camps, ie: Those who live in the GTA and everyone else, the media go out out of their way to show that they aren't Toronto biased. Way out of their way. Like driving from Winnipeg to Regina via Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Case in point is HNIC and Bob Cole. Bob is a broadcast legend, has made some great game calls and all that, bla bla bla. But with all due respect, Bob Cole is so beyond his "best by" date, he's like that black and blue fruit you find in the back of your fridge that you can't tell if it was once an apple or an orange.
Before the Center Ice Package was around, I hadn't watched HNIC in years after moving to the States. The first game I watched was on a Saturday Night, and to tell you the truth, I was shocked at what had happened to Bob Cole. I didn't even recognize him. He didn't sound anything like he had just a few years before. Uh, and it hasn't gotten any better. Bob really needs a strong booth partner, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you that Gary "I live in Ottawa and work for the team" Galley is not one of them.

Bob works hard to praise the Senators whenever he can, and he can A LOT. Will someone please tell him that the Senators pinned along the boards for a minute in the Leafs zone without a shot is not "Tremendous pressure!" It just isn't. And for Christ's sake, Ray Emery was not, at any time, "Looking great so far!". Right now the only place Ray Emery would "look great so far", is so far from a hockey dressing room. Jason Blake doesn't have cancer as bad as the Ottawa Senators have with this lunatic. He's petulant, aggressive and churlish, and his teammates hate him. And in tonight's game he looked ter-ri-ble! I have no idea why Paul Maurice didn't order his bench to just go hard to the net and absolutely shell this guy with shots...especially on the powerplay. But, you know, the Leafs like to get cute and throw it all over the place, which a very good Senator PK quickly just dump out of the zone.

How great did Robbie Earl look? First NHL game, first point, and the kid stayed on his game from start to finish. He had a great college career, and I've heard a lot of positives about him ever since. He played a terrific checking game with Boyd Devereaux, whom I love, and Dom Moore. Stajan looked good in all situations, and his forecheck steal on Blake's goal was honored by Blake's smooth study in Ray Emery jock-removal.

I really wanted Mats to get 1600 at home on a Saturday, but he was not really served well by Jiri Tlusty. Tlusty just does not look to be strong enough yet to fully contribute in the NHL. By rights he should be working out at Ricoh every day with the Marlies and killing them down there. His main job in the off-season has to be just to get big. His body has to catch up to his hands and his brain.

One last thing. In the pre-game show tonight, with some of those troops at center ice. Whose idea was it for them to be fucking standing on the Leafs logo?! What the hell is that? Am I just crazy? OK, wait, wrong question. Am I just crazy to think that? Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And another thing...what's with kids these days with their crazy music and weird haircuts? And why do all the girls wear pants? Don't they know that's not ladylike? And movies were better in black and white! And radio was better than TV because you had to use your imaginations!

Crazy Like A (Silver) Fox

It was called tabulae defixiones by the Romans, katadesmoi by the Greeks. The Celts had their Curse Stones as well as Egg and New Years Curses. Both of which involve the turning of luck. In the Bible it’s God himself who utters these words (to the serpent), “You are cursed more than all cattle.” There’s The Curse of the Bambino, The Mummy’s Curse, the Kennedy curse and the Superman curse. The Evil Eye, The Monkey’s Paw, Pandora’s Box, Santeria and the Voodoo that you do (so well.) Some think that unexplained natural phenomena such as the Bermuda Triangle are cursed locales. The 27 Club is the curse of the rock glitterati: Janis, Jimi, Jim, Brian, Pigpen, Kurt. There’s the Curse of the Pharaohs. Pharaoh Tutankhamen himself had a curse for anyone who dared violate the precincts of his tombs. The first born son in every family that violated his tombs would get gonorrhea. And have flat feet.

Even in my own family…it is said that my father’s two sons have both been cursed with enormous genitalia.

This shit isn’t folklore people, it’s the real skinny. I’m talking about 1967. 19 fucking 67. Without giving away too much of the plot. I wasn’t even born yet. In fact my parents had yet to meet.

1967.

Let’s try and put this in perspective. The Doors and Pink Floyd both released debut albums that year. The Beatles released Sgt Peppers. Che Guevara was executed that year. General Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua that year and Moise Tshombe, former prime minister of the Democratic Republic of the Congo was kidnapped in Algeria.
Still need perspective? 1967: Kurt Cobain was born that year, and as a member of the cursed 27 Club we know that he died at age 27….and that was 14 years ago. When you carry the 1….that’s 41 years ago.

Do right by us Cliff.
Fletcher met with Sundin Wednesday to discuss the matter, but would not divulge any details about their conversation.
“That’s something private,” said Fletcher.

It should have been joined by a knowing smile, a wink, hell at this point I’d take the ol’ pretend to punch you in the face, aw shucks routine. Something that indicates to me that the old silver fox actually might make good here.
Since this speculation has been going on since…I would say the Carolina game in December that they (coincidently) also lost in overtime 3 – 2. The game where Poni didn’t score into the empty net. Yeah, that game. (A game that I think cursed the already cursed Leafs.)
Our future is in your able, grandfatherly hands.

NHL Rule #94 (New): No Stick Checks

Every single time the topic of officiating comes up in any hockey broadcast I watch, I hear the commentators say the exact same thing: That NHL officiating is the best officiating in the entire sports world. If that is indeed true, then I now know why NASCAR is so popular.

The Keystone Cops of tonight's joke-a-thon between The Leafs and The Hurricanes were Mike "Eggo My" Leggo, and Don "30 Years Experience" Koharski. Now before I get started on this, I don't want any non-Leaf fans who may be reading (ie: Moose) to think that this is one of those "the calls always go against The Leafs" posts of years gone by. It isn't. But for fuck sake, in the 21st fucking century, how can a game be called so shittily?

Forgetting the Blake no-goal that Cam Ward had to reach back into the locker room to pull out. Forgetting that Scott Walker was pointing at some chick in the upper bowl with his stick when the puck struck it, sending it on a 45 degree downward trajectory into the net; at least the war room validated those. It was the snow-blind call on Antropov in overtime that gives refereeing a terrible name. It's the kind of thing that robs a little bit of the love of the game from you, when you realize that with 2 and a half minutes to go in overtime, some tubby man-tit from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia- who wasn't go enough to play- just changed your teams fate.

So Stillman is exiting the zone when Antropov tries to stick check him from behind. Koharski, naturally, calls him for HOOKING, sending the Hurricanes on a game winning powerplay. I mean, that's just fucking wrong and awful, and not just because it went against the Leafs; that's just the cruelest cut of all. If we'd won on that, I'd accept the extra point, but I wouldn't take any pride in it.

Apparently Antropov was assessed two game misconducts after the horn for "abusing the officials", which I hope meant he was hitting them with a belt and screaming that they'd never amount to anything. Either way, that's a three game suspension. Maurice, whose had it up to here, came very close to criticizing the officials to the media scrum, so we'll see if he gets fined by the league. I hope he does. You know why? Because he was right:

CANNON FODDER

The question we Leafs fan have to ask is: Is Mats Sundin possibly the ultimate captain? A man whose love for his team actually supersedes his desire to win a Stanley Cup. A man whose love for his team means that unless he wins said cup in a Leafs uniform than he'd rather not win one at all, thank you very much? Isn't that exactly the kind of unwaivering, unconditional loyalty that we ourselves show this team. Is Mats, yet again, leading the charge?

It just doesn't seem feasible in this day and age to find such selflessness. It's a much racier headline when it reads that Mats wants to play the good guy and say that he doesn't want to be traded but that secretly he wants out of Dodge. That his nice guy act is just that, an act. Eating our own is a fairly Toronto mentality but I really believe that Mats doesn't want to be traded. I don't think he is a rat who wants off this sinking, stinking garbage barge of a campaign. Even though he has a thousand reasons why he should (Jonus fucking Hoglund on his wing for one).
One of the marks of a great Captain is a do or die mentality. Think of a former Captain of ours, the one that Mats was traded for. Certainly it could be argued that he always played his best in the Blue and White. That his heart just didn't beat the same under any other crest. And Dougie? Here is a man whose jersey hung on hooks in St. Louis, Calgary, Toronto, New Jersey, Chicago, Buffalo and Montreal. A man whose mullett was present to lift the Stanley Cup in another city. And yet, when you think of Killer, I bet you he's wearing the Blue And White.
That can't be taught of course. It's in the heart and Mats is showing just that. To me he loves the Toronto Maple Leafs like we love the Toronto Maple Leafs.
And that's why Mats above the stats, the consistency, the selflessness, the hairline will go down as the Greatest Toronto Maple Leaf of All Time.

I am sorry you Keon people, I am sorry you Sittler people, you Vaive people really have to try and get out more, and you all know how I feel about Wendel and Dougie but its Mats who will go down in history as the greatest of all time.

There...now I've said it twice.

And it's that exact same reason why Mats will waive his no trade clause. Because it will benefit his team. This team, your team, my team, our team, we all scream for ice cream, Toronto Maple Leafs.

And is it going to suck? Oh shit...it's going to be bad. Remember the first girl to break your heart? Remember how it felt the first time you saw her with another guy? It's going to be akin to that.
Real lip trembling, heart in the stomach, lump in the throat, I promised Mess I wouldn't do this, territory.

Kyle Wellwood: 4th Liner. Also: Fat, Lazy

I'm not sure how much of what I'm feeling right now about Kyle Wellwood is completely justified and based in reality, or if the fact that I'm kind of sick today is making me a complete asshole. Whichever the reason, I'm really pissed at Kyle Wellwood. Kyle has just been demoted to the 4th line on a team that now sits 28th out of 30 teams, so the way I figure it, he is now the 680th best player in the NHL. Or is that worst? I don't know. Kyle will now be sharing an inglorious 4 minutes of ice time per game with Johnny Pohl and Wade Belak. To tell you the truth I'd rather see Bates Battaglia there, or Ben Ondrus, or Kris Newbury, or Norte, or Me. At least you know those guys will fucking bring it.

To say that Kyle is a baby-faced guy is the understatement of the century unless you quickly follow it up with "baby-bodied", "baby-legged" and "baby-conditioned". Everything on him is round. Kyle is so out of shape, he wouldn't make it in my league; and my league features Wash, who regularly samples an entire tasting menu with wine minutes before a game.

Everything about Wellwood's shit season can be attributed tho the fact that last summer, the heaviest lifting he did was hauling the empty 2-4 case out of the back of the pickup and into his local LCBO. How do we know? Because unbelievably, Wellwood's dad said so last year before training camp, throwing Kyle under any number of busses, including this one.

What era does Kyle Wellwood think he's in? Is this 1978? The days when a hockey player thought of training camp as the place to get in shape are long gone. One of the last guys of any note to do it that way was Gretzky, and that was 20 years ago and it was Gretzky. Do you know how much better Kyle's groin would be if he'd worked out last year? Immeasurably. Not only would the muscle itself be stronger, more flexible and resilient, but so would all the surrounding tissues helping to support the already prone area. He would hit the ice ready to play instead of trying to catch up during game situations. Well guess what? If you have to catch up in the NHL, you're already dead...or on the forth line/press box, which for a skill guy like Wellwood is basically the same thing.

Kyle has to get serious about being an NHL player and a Toronto Maple Leaf. This is a guy who was traded straight up for Jason Spezza in Junior. If he continues this laissez-faire career, let's just say he's going to look great in a TPS Turku uniform.

To show just how far we haven't come, please enjoy the last time I wrote about the area around Kyle's genitals. You're welcome.

Katz says Rats

Soooooo, that headline isn't accurate to what I'm aiming to write about here. In fact, Edmonton megagajillionaire Daryl Katz is probably wringing his golden hands together in a swivelly leather chair as we speak, but this headline rhymed and my other options didn't.

It looks like the deal is done here. The Edmonton Journal reported that after some of the mini-bosses on the EIG agreed to sell their shares at a suddenly inflated price Katz has over 60% ownership, which is what he said he'd close at, though he wants more. I just hope he doesn't get it, then freak out while trying to resign both Tom Gilbert and Joni "Revenge Offer Sheet" Pitkanen and pull a Hudsucker out his 90th floor window. But that's all fine and good. He's got what he wants (basically) and so we don't have to worry about the sad remaining semi-millionaires left to stand in his way. What I'm confused about is the fact that every EIG member that hasn't agreed to sign has given the same reasons, they are concerned about his desire to keep the team in Edmonton. And not one person in the media has even mentioned how ridiculous a notion that is. Here's why that concern no longer makes sense in today's world.

1st. The $. At this point the Canadian dollar is on par if not slightly stronger than the American one, there is no longer money to be made shifting the team to a US market, nor is there money to be saved by not having to pay the difference. Add to that the fact that Alberta is the richest province in Canada and that leads to...

2nd. The fans. You show me one other place in all professional sports where a team can have the year it had last year PLUS the year it is having this year and still sell out every game, making a profit in the process. And that's with one of the smallest arena's in the league. You add on another two thousand people and the average $5000 that a season of their ticket buying gets you and you tell me that Winnipeg or North Carolina is a better market.

3rd. The competition. Well I know the Oil Kings are doing well in ticket sales... and um, do the Trappers still play? No, they were sold and the Cracker Cats moved in. Right? How are they doing? Doesn't matter. There are no other entertainment options in Edmonton other than live theater that is pulling in up to 200 people a night, and watching people get stabbed with actual kitana swords on Whyte Avenue after 10pm on a wednesday. They may have added another time to that show, yeah, just looked it up, stabbings at 10 and midnight. Even then though!

4th. Katz is from Edmonton, lives in Edmonton, and has a mansion made of old Canadian $2 bills and pure laughter built in Edmonton. Why would he even want to move?

5th. The selling price. So if there's no benefit to moving the team, maybe selling the team is his angle. This is probably the biggest since Katz is supposed to a money grubbing jerk, right? The Penguins, with the best young team in hockey since the original Oilers, were willing to sell for $175 million last year. Katz is now offering $200 million for a crappy team doing crappily. What's he gonna make selling to some other billionaire?

Soooo, its not like back when Peter Puck was trying to sell the team and could use moving the team out of Edmonton as leverage. There is no other place that is a better fit for the Oil, no other city that gives a damn about hockey, and no other locale that is a guaranteed money maker. Maybe that's why the EIG wants to hang on, huh?

The TV Guide Says...Hey, It's All-Star Weekend!

The All-Star game is this weekend, and like every year I'm actually looking forward to it. It's so easy to just pawn off any all-star competition as an all-hype event where millionaires show up to compete at 1/3 the pace, skill and ability, all of which, I may add, are true. But there's something different about the NHL's weekend that makes it actually bearable watchable. Besides the fact that not one single player in the game will be fat, the chief difference is that in the NHL All-Star game, the players actually seems to have fun being there and participating. In other sports' "all-star" games, you see the faraway looks in the players eyes as they realize that by being there they had to turn down an opportunity to have sex with Mariah Carey. With hockey players, the dialogue is more like this:

"Oh geez. Hey, man, what's happening?"
"Ah, nothin."
"How're ya gonna beat Brodeur in the skills competition?"
"Oh, I dunno. Just gotta put the puck to the net, and see what happens."
"Yeah, I hear ya. Just gotta go hard for 60 minutes."
"Yeah"
"Hey, how's your Mum?"

Etc, etc. You know, you can't blame them for that. Life is hard playing hockey in the NHL, what with all of the modesty and children's hospital visiting. The fact is, we're the luckiest fans in the world. The fact that Mats isn't in the game notwithstanding.

Hell No, Mats Won't Go! Wait, Yes. Yes He Will

The only thing worse than that headline, is the fact that it's true. Mats will be traded to someone within the next month. My fingers ache as I write that, and it's not because of my achy fingers. What a horrible thing to have to write. Mats on another team.
I know this because the man "in charge" of the Leafs has been mandated with making the Leafs a better team. Judging by the idiot savants on the board of MLSE, I'm assuming that mandate is his own. Never the less, he has it. Cliff Fletcher knows what a winning Leafs team means round these parts (ie: the Planet Earth) and will do what is necessary to make that happen. Lest you forget, he's done that very thing before.

JFJ was not going to trade anyone off of this team between now and the deadline. It would have been his death knell, both as GM, and as human being. He forever known as the guy who traded Mats, the King of Kings. Cliff Fletcher is the GM of the Leafs because he's got the stones to meet with Mats and explain to him the horrible, horrible truth. That is, that after a pre-determined date sometime in the next month and till July 1st, the Toronto Maple Leafs, YOUR Toronto Maple Leafs, HIS Toronto Maple Leafs, will be, for the first time in 14 years, a better team without him. He will say that there is no point to Mats going home to Sweden again in April. That by playing somewhere else, basically for 2 and a half months, he will be able to ensure that the Leafs won't have to go through this terrible fallow period for another 5 or 10 years. That aside from being able to win his own Cup (my god, can you imagine!), he can help the Leafs immeasurably, and then come back and enjoy the fruits of his sacrifice if he so chooses...winking and nudging the whole time. Mats will understand this and waive his NTC. Regardless of that, once a team comes to you with that request, you kind of want to leave, right?

It was Fletcher's old, graying balls that got us Mats in the first place. By trading a beloved Captain. For Christs sake, it's his nickname! His name isn't "Stand-Pat Fletch" or "Easy Does It Cliff" or "Can't We Please Just Think This Through Cliffy". It's "Trader Cliff". And you get that unironic moniker one way only.

Get Out of Town, Fletch

I watched a 30 minute gore-fest of a press conference today announcing the firing of John Ferguson as VP/GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and Cliff Fletcher put in as interim GM. That in and of itself is not the worst news I've ever heard. The objectionable part of it was the meeting was chaired by a grey-skinned Nosferatu named Richard Peddie. Peddie stays true to his vampiric brethren in every way except when he climbs in your window at night, it's not because he wants to drink your blood, it's because he wants to go through your pants pockets for twonies.

Sitting with Cliff Fletcher- a man who's actually accomplished something in his life besides a grotesque accumulation of money - Peddie waxed rhapsodic about Fletch as if the turnaround of the Leafs was to start then and now. When pressed by a reporter, Peddie stated that Fletcher would have all the room he needs to maneuver to get the Leafs ship righted until a full-time GM is hired (with Fletcher's help). He then unintentionally contradicted himself when he said that he and some fat lawyer named Gord Kirke were going to oversee that process. Read: Sit on Fletcher's shoulder second and third guessing his every move. Also, that's just what this organization needs, isn't it? Another meddling non-hockey knob sticking his snout where it
doesn't belong.

The fact remains that as long as Peddie has anything to do with the hockey side of the Leafs, he will cause trouble. Not only with his direct meddling, but by reputation; People around the NHL know what kind of shit they'd have to go through if they worked for MLSE. Who in their right mind would ever put themselves through that? OK, obviously I would, faster than I could say "Go fuck yourselves, other He Score, He Shoot posters!" And trust me, I can say that fuckin fast. What I'm getting at is, Peddie's ongoing involvement may scare away some potentially high quality candidates. On the other hand, we're the motherfucking Toronto Maple Leafs and every sports mind in the world would dry hump Sam Pollock's corpse to have a ride inside us.

The next GM has to be the strongest candidate in hockey, and that to me is one Brian "Mr. Brian Burke" Burke. The Leafs need the strongest hand to guide them. When we have it, like with Pat Quinn and Pat Burns, we have success. When we don't, like with Mike Murphy, and Ken Dryden, we don't. The job is Burke's to lose, and he/we all know it. The Toronto media will start feeding on that so look for them to hound him all month long about it. He'll say he's got another year on his contract in Anaheim, and that he's not going anywhere. But give me a break. Isn't that the same thing that Scotty Bowman was saying last summer, after which we learn he'd accepted the position and it was the board (well, Peddie) that rejected it at the 11th hour?
Burke's fortitude and ego will help his decision making for him. His ego will tell him that there's nothing that he couldn't overcome. Running the biggest ship in hockey will be oh-so tantalizing as well. I live an hour from his house. Trust me, he is dying of boredom.

OUT WITH THE NEW, IN WITH THE OLD

JFJ has left the building. No surprise there. JFJ getting fired was accepted and really it was down to the when. Really he was fired the minute that douchebag real estate agent in the $3000 suit started flapping his porcelain veneers. Whether JFJ did or didn't do the job and even regardless of the fact that he had to go: (he did) The way in which this was handled made me hang my Leafs head in shame. Perhaps the worst Leafs front office handling since Larry Murphy was let go for future considerations.

What's fair is that JFJ isn't the only guy in a suit at the ACC whose head should roll.

And no offense to Trader Cliff but I think the days of getting Doug Gilmour, Jamie Macoun, Ric Nattress, Rick Wamsley and Kent Manderville for Gary Leeman, Michel Petit, Jeff Reese, Craig Berube, and Alexander Godynyuk are over. There's not a GM in the league that would take that sucker's bet today. How good 'ol Fletch fooled Doug Risebrough that cold January day in 1992 is anyone's guess.

On the rumor front. I just heard Sundin to the Flyers for Jeff Carter and a first round pick in this years draft. But the rumor that keeps persisting is Sundin to the Flames for a package that would include Alex Tanguay.

"As all of our general managers have had, he will have the autonomy and responsibility for all hockey decisions ..."

THERE IS NO LIGHT AND YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND THE TUNNEL

I keep repeating to myself…not so much mantra like as obsessive compulsively, destruction begets beautiful acts of creation, destruction begets beautiful acts of creation and it’s like reading philosophy cos I don’t really understand what it means but I like saying it anyway, over and over again, to myself. The problem is I have begun to think that about the Leafs as well. Its not that I want them to lose necessarily but I don’t want them to win - basically. There is no malocchio on anyone’s head but there isn’t not a malocchio on anyone’s head either. I don’t think it’s as terrible as it would be to go on a terrible losing streak. Not Say It Aint So, Joe territory, closer to Wozniewski Belak first line PP and PK…giver’ a shot. (Shrugs)

The only thing we can hope for is no winning streaks.

God that sounds terrible, I know. Look…personally I hope Mats scores two goals a night…because I keep thinking, rubbing my hands together like a creepy scheming madman…1st and 3rd round picks for a broken down Peter Forsberg. 1st and 2nd round pick in 2007, 2nd round in 08, and Glen Metropolit for Keith Tkachuk. Keith Tkachuk? Who truly was only ever dominating in Power Play 96 for the Playstation, and that was really only ever against Greener.
I digress.

In 1984 at the trade deadline the Jets traded their 3rd round pick in that years draft to Montreal for a palooka named Robert Picard. Montreal went ahead and used that pick to draft Patrick Roy. Our own beloved Maple Leafs gave up Alyn McCauley and Brad Boyes and their 1st pick in the 03 draft for Owen Nolan and his prematuring grey beard. I won’t even tell you what they parted with for Brian Leetch and Ron Francis (mainly because I don’t want to look it up.)
And then I think…well...if we’re rebuilding anyway, knowing that Raycroft, Tucker and Blake are virtually un-tradable, that this team, this group isn’t good enough, and that this years draft is stacked, perhaps its time to think about Kaberle too. With his amazing first pass, agreeable contract and milky white skin he would fetch an agreeable return. And that’s what our team needs. Agreeable returns. An agreeable return is Gilmour, Macoun, Nattress, Manderville, Wamsley for Leeman, Godynuk, Reese, Petit and Berube. That one worked out in our favor if I remember correctly.

I can hear Greener now, talking on and on (and on) about Kaberle only getting better. That at 30 years old...he is just coming into his prime. I would agree with him but Anton Stralman looking a lot like Kaberle did 5 years ago but a better skater seems to be in our midsts. And I I believe Kaberle would fetch a 1st rounder this year. It would be a shame to break those two up…like twins. Imagine the return from trading them both together?
I know this seems treasonous but my colors are blue.

Keep losing and in 4 years were the Penguins. I think we should accept our fate…if this GM is going to be fired, do it now…get someone in there with enough time to do a deal properly. I’m not going to name drop but we all know the names of the hockey minds bandied who have been bandied and paraded about for JFJ’s job. Interim, short term, long term…even if its old junk, its still rock 'n' roll to me. Just do it or don’t. It’s not the product on the ice that’s bad, it’s not coaching, it’s not JFJ, who looks better and better as the days go on, its not Andrew Raycroft. It's Richard Goddamn Peddie. I put the malocchio on Peddie.

PS. It was Maxim Kondratiev, Jarkko Immonen, a first-round pick in the 2004 draft, which became Lauri Korpikoski, a second-round pick in 2005, which became Michael Sauer and 4th round selection (later traded to Columbus - Columbus selected Jared Boll) in 2005, respectively.

Leafs Win. Say, "Wow, It's Way Better Than Losing!"

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Well, The Leafs Won the Second Period, Right?

As a responsible hockey blogger and all around dullard entertaining guy, I'm a big believer in giving the people what they want. And right now what the people want is...to know what happened when I went to see the Leafs play the Kings at the Staples Center on Thursday! I know, I know, me too! It's all so interesting even I want to know what happened, and I was there!

As I mentioned bitterly a few posts ago, HS/HS second liner Moose's asshole of a boss promised he and I a box suite in exchange for joining his team. We did that, in the end handing him a t-shirt with the word "CHAMPIONS" on it. Being the honorable dudes we are, we clearly expected him to stiff us and snicker when we decided to actually ask him for his promised riches, which he did. We really shouldn't have been too surprised really. You know that ancient Confucian proverb: "If wise men lay with dogs...something - something - something - Moose's boss is a jerk."

So I had to scramble like crazy and got probably some of the best seats in the arena. Section 119, Row 14, Seat 15, directly above the Leafs bench. I got there an hour before the game, as did 10,000 other Leafs jerseys. It was so amazing being with people I actually care about. I mean, I usually hang out with Moose, so that tells you something right there. When grown men are giving smiling acknowledgment to each other in the bathroom, you know it's either because you each have a Leafs jersey on, or you're both cruising for anonymous gay sex. This time, it was the former.
I was right beside the Leafs tunnel and took these action shots:

What's amazing are two things. One, that clearly I should be a photographer for the Associated Press, and two, it's amazing how thrilled I was to see them. I haven't seen the Leafs since 2003, so getting the chance again was really incredible.
Here's a note about me: I'm not a star fucker in any way; I could give a shit about celebrity. I've been friends with very famous people, and let me tell you, the majority of them are the meanest, shit-hearted jerks you'll ever meet. But when it comes to this group, that changes. During the warm-up, I had my face pressed up against the glass with the other lunatics and I made eye contact with Mats as he skated up to, and past the glass, and right then and there, I literally got sprung. I'm sorry if this shocks you, but it's true. I got sprung. It's a good thing I was wearing my bathrobe.

By the way, reading this back to myself, I realize that all this may be like being forced to look at someones slides of their trip to Banff National Park, except, you know, awesome, and about the Leafs. And quasi-gay. Ok, totally gay. But, you know, just bear with me.

As for the game itself. Uh, wow. We've all had a few days to digest everything we saw, and everything we didn't see. I REALLY don't want to pile on Andrew Raycroft, but that was one of the softest goaltending performances I've ever seen. It looked like when one of the trainers puts on equipment for the players to shoot at him during an optional skate. The size and frequency of the rebounds Andrew was giving out were really shocking. Frolov floats a week backhander off his chest and it sails four feet away back to the slot, to be slammed in for (another) goal. That's not weak goaltending, that's no goaltending. I don't think Raycroft will ever see another game in a Leafs sweater. His bad performances are now pathological. J.S. Aubin never saw another Leafs game, and he played better than Raycroft has this year. Scott Clemmensen is the Leafs backup goalie.

From what I saw, this is a group of players who are having absolutely no fun playing hockey right now. They all looked so unbelievably miserable on the bench. When Darcy scored, he skated straight to the bench, slammed the door and sat down. A team so far down like this is ripe for speculation. Have they given up on Paul Maurice, and have accepted that his system has failed, as everyone seems to think? Or is it an indication that the other shoe is about to drop, and that something has to change, and that starts on the ice. I guess we'll have an indication of what the answer is starting in San Jose.

LEAFS 2007 – 2008: These are not the Droids you are looking for

Let me start by saying that putting Toskala into the net on Thursday was one of the worst hockey decisions I have ever seen. One can suppose that Paul Maurice was just trying to protect an already destroyed Andrew Raycroft. (As a goalie I appreciate the move, as a Leaf fan I am horrified.) Or that just like line combinations, taking him out was tantamount to shaking up the team. (Of course, Raycroft was marshmallow soft and clearly couldn't’t see the puck.) I don’t care how porous the defense in front of you is, an .871 save percentage is your own doing. Still I believe he should have played the whole game. Suffered the complete loss and was given the chance to be part of the much better 2nd and 3rd periods. Quite frankly I think pulling him wasn’t the red flag in front of the team it was supposed to be. It was a white flag.
(Did you see Raycroft on the bench after he was pulled. I have never seen someone chew gum so forlornly.)

It left me uneasy that Toskala was put in. What am I supposed to make of a blatant disregard of his groin? Re-injured…of course...cos groins are apparently made of gold leaf. (No pun)

And for tonight’s game, all I can hope is that Pogge was called up to back up Raycroft…not start. I believe in baptism by fire but ask Dan Blackburn what can happen when you bring a goalie in too early. Simply put, this isn’t Pogge’s time. I think calling Clemenson back would have been a better choice. Regardless of who is called up. You gotta go with Raycroft. For so many reasons its just a shame that I dont have some sort of avenue to write and tell you why.

Paul Maurice and his coaching style of hard work, intense fore-checking, strong puck support and attention to defensive play clearly was the wrong choice for this team. Just in case you were playing along, that’s sarcasm. One can only hope that he is not caught in the crossfire….
He should be held accountable for a disastrous PP and PK and as his claim, at the beginning of the year, that this team was playoff ready. Our slide, this slide, really…with very few exceptions, has been happening from the beginning. The few games where we did play well were clearly the anomaly.
As far as I am concerned you keep Kaberle, Antropov, Toskala, Wellwood, White and Stajan…other than that…all the rest if up for grabs.

This is where Toskala is injured.

Game Over: 2:11 seconds in? Terrible

Ow. Ow, Owwwwwwwwww. Okay that’s the sound of pain, of realization. Like a toothache. A persistent, aching, stinking, horrible toothache. My team, your team, our team: this team just isn’t good enough. It hurts me to the core to write that statement. But like that toothache, I have to realize that I can’t keep on ignoring it. With the Leafs this year I have brushed, flossed, lathered, rinsed and repeated. I have chewed on the other side of my mouth, wrapped my head in gauze. Drank neither hot nor cold drinks and just pretended that everything was fine. But there it always was, from my first intake of breath to my last sip of lukewarm juice. An infection that reminds, like a slap in the face, that something just isn’t right.

I believe that this was the game (last nights against the Ducks). The game I will remember or, more specifically, try to forget. The one that was the barometer. I don’t believe that this was the game in terms of an X on a calendar, a hey lets see how we’re doin’ kind of thing on a randomly picked date. No no…this game, this team. Not just because they’re the Stanley Cup champs either…but because the Ducks, you can smell already, are a playoff team.
Woefully underachieving at the start of the season very much like our very own team. The difference: Stanley Cup hangovers don’t last 40 years. To paraphrase the song New York, New York: …if we can make it there (Honda Center), we can make it anywhere.
But this game for me….more than any others this year shows me what my team lacks. I would say that earlier losses to Boston, Phoenix and Carolina were more humiliating but none have been as unequivocal in showing what the Leafs are lacking.

The Ducks should start growing their beards now.

And if Brian Burke is worth his weight in salt, which he might just be, I would go after Mats with every fiber of my being. Does the thought literally make me ill? Of course it does…Mats Sundin is my captain….not yours, fuckface…but because of that…I want Mats to hoist that most beautiful of trophies. The Ducks own Edmonton’s first round pick this year…and as the Oil are about as terrible as the Leafs (sorry Moose and Wash), the prospect of two high first round draft picks (not to mention whatever else Mats would garner) is exciting. I know that Selanne is coming back too. Can you imagine? I can. Can you say repeat?

I can hear HS/HS’s own Greener now: With 40 games remaining, it’s a bit premature to sell the farm. Maybe but I really don’t believe it’s too early to start thinking about the future of our team…and right now Mats is golden. Will his stock ever be as high again?