Saturday, December 29

The State of the Blog Address

Funny thing happened on the way to me not posting for a week: Other people did. Wow, it seems that dreams can come true. I guess Christmas really is
a phony, sanctimonious, solely commercial cash-grab the most wonderful time of the year, because my still excellent beard and I received what we wanted most, which is also the rarely heard 13th verse to "The 12 Days of Christmas": He Score, He Shoot posters posting. Note: when I refer to my beard, I am in fact referring to my facial hair, not any kind of non-closeted heterosexual relationship. Or am I?

Norte, writing as well as me, about The Only Team That Matters, whilst using visual aids almost as well as me. Moose, writing a howler about how the Oilers are portrayed by a scurvaceous Edmonton media, thereby copying any number of my posts about the Toronto same. And Washingtron writing absolutely his best post, which would be a much bigger compliment, if, since we started this blog, he'd written more than 4 of them. But look, I'm not complaining. Not about that, anyway.

Truth be told, I wasn't as hands-off the blog as it seems. Peer behind the curtain and you'd have seen me hard at work to make my three fellow posters look as good as they think they do. I've had to do A LOT of HTML surgery on their posts this week. Moose, Norte and Wash know so little about internet code, they look like me 4 months ago. ZING! Take that you "can't make my pictures line up" peons.

Hey, let's thank some people out there! It's the end of the year and so it may be appropriate to wave warmly at some of the people who make writing He Score, He Shoot the only thing that keeps my friendship with Moose alive. You know who you are. OK, you don't. SO HERE YOU ARE!:

Loser Domi. You clearly rule any number of things, not un-including a take so dry that James Bond orders you as a drink in bars. You always read, and you always comment, and you are friends with us.

PPP at Pension Plan Puppets. Lots of support, reads us, links to us, and writes a blog so well that I don't even want to call it a blog. His page is so sexy that it's like a wet t-shirt contest, except all the girls in it wear glasses. PPP loves the Leafs so much, his alarm clock is Andy Frost.

Ken at Hockey Narrative. I go to Ken's page every day, and every day it's interesting. He'll write things about teams I could give a shit about, like Calgary, or anyone else in the NHL besides the Leafs, and I'm invested. Ken has that excellent "could write a book" way of writing that Moose sometimes has, when Moose isn't trying to be funny. Ken doesn't fuck around in his posts, and I'm not even sure he has a sense of humor, and he's still funnier than Moose. Go there if you can read.

The guy in Hong Kong. Dude, I have no idea who you are. You never comment, you haven't entered our contest, you're funnier than Moose, but in spite of all that, I see that you come to the site everyday or so, which clearly makes you a stud on the blueline. (Alternate nickname: Powerplay quarterback). Your pick.

Jared from Die Hard Blue and White. Jared is a clean living minimalist who tries to get his laundry whiter than white, and sounds like the type of super-nice guy who'd take any of us out for a beer if he heard we were coming to London, Ontario. The kind of guy you want on your Rec League team, not just because of what he can do on the ice, but because he's fun and cool on the bench before, during and after the game.

The homestyles over at Irreverant Oiler Fans. This is another great blog. They get in their jokes and burns, but if you are currently waiting for your acceptance letter from M.I.T., prepare to read naked. They have a great blend of left and right brain hockey analysis, and they gave us a shout of exposure a while ago, which helped a lot. If they tried to go surfing, they'd make it up on their feet their first try.

Along those same lines but clearly with better taste in teams is my main man Ninja at Raking Leafs. It's the kind of blog that you look at when you're thinking of starting a blog and you go "I want it like that!" And then you start your blog and fail miserably to make it that good and you have to talk to Moose every day because of it. Wait, all that was about me. Ninja and Raking Leafs = Major.

Four Habs Fans. A bunch of guys who write the shit out of their blog, and judging from the sheer volume of stripper pictures on the site, they do that writing from table 7 at Maison Du Sexe on St. Catherines Street. I wish I were that smart. These guys really love the Canadiens and it shows, which is fun to read. They were also cool enough to cross the floor and mention HS/HS in a super complimentary way. Did they take the easy road and burn us because we love the Leafs? No. And you know why? Because those guys are completely secure with the size of their dicks, and drive nice cars with half a mind to nabbing some pussy, and half a mind on environmental fuel consumption. What do you call guys like that? I call them heroes.

All of you. There are tons of you who come and read us all the time, and for us it's always exciting. You could comment a little more, but, you know, a mother just has to accept her children. You're all slender and good looking and know 6 totally different margarita recipes off the top of your heads. You could wear the same pants you did in high school, and you've always thought about volunteering to read to blind people at the CNIB. You can roof it back hander, and the only reason you wear the 'A' instead of the 'C' is because you gave it up to someone you thought deserved it more. Extra orange slices from Me, Norte, Wash and Moose to all of you guys.

MID SEASON: We definitely need more holidays where raw egg drinks are served.

Yesterday I woke up from a terrible dream. I had dreamt that we had played two games back to back with Andrew Raycroft in the net. In my dream we lose both games. First I dreamt that we lost in overtime to the Isles. With that male-on-top-of-a-wedding-cake Mike Comrie scoring the overtime winner. Off a Blake turnover, and did I mention with Andrew Raycroft in the net…with a moustache no less. I'm sure I had cold sweat pouring down my face most of the night. And then my dream continued and we lost to the Flyers, in a game that could only be described as lifeless. The game against the Flyers was like I can’t believe it’s not butter. Or a Mr. Mister album. Worse yet, the Leafs were celery salt.
I don't mind waking up to find that both games weren't some horrible dreams but in fact reality. I can even forgive the mustache...what I cant forgive is how Andrew Raycroft can make ordinary players look like they have soft hands.

Mike Comrie.

I know I’m all spazzed out on tryptofan and tray after tray of Pot of Gold and Turtles, extra cranberry sauce. Giblets. (My family do the traditional bird: swan. Done up with stuff that goes with the big bird...can I have more neck? I won’t lie, I’m a fixins man, walking that fine line where gravy becomes beverage.) My point is this....even with that weighing heavy on my belt and conscience…I know an .882 save percentage isn’t exactly sizzling.
The Todd Ford, Justin Pogge, Scott Clemenson domino that leads to Andrew Raycroft is troubling. With yet another reason to hate men's groins: number 1 goaler Tosakala and his tenderoni zoni are day to day. Andrew Raycroft as our number one is about as good an idea as the Black Snake Moan video game (for PS2).
‘Kay I’m out of jokes.
Two weeks ago my team, your team: the Toronto Maple Leafs were a team on the road to recovery. On the impressive wingspan of Mats Sundin it began to look like a team with an identity. Secondary scoring, first rate defense, A+ goaltending…the holy trinity right there.
You always hear about captain of captains, the Moose, Messier, calling guys out in the dressing room. Like the roll call at the beginning of Hill Street Blues: Blake, Tucker, Bell, Wellwood, Kilger, Ponikarovsky? Uh...hello...what are you guys doing? Finish a play…injured, not injured…I am not giving a shit.

As the year comes to an end...I would just like to thank my three fellow posters: Greener, Moose and Washingtron (see below) for posting with me and making me look good post after post after post.