Thursday, August 16


Goalers? We don't need no stinkin' goalers!

Thanks to the hundreds of people who flooded my inbox calling attention to the fact that I did not select any goalies for my 'Dream Team'. While that may look like an oversight, it was in oversight. I forgot. But, that only goes to show how highly I rate my team. Plus my coach, Keith Jones, is such a visionary that he likes to play with an extra attacker for all 60 minutes:

Sixth Attacker: Yaron Tilles.

While his NHL career was derailed by drinking, marriage and a general apathetic attitude towards hockey, the former San Diego State netminder plays as a defenceman on our beer league team and performed superbly when we didn't have a goalie and had to ice an extra skater instead. I think he got a shutout by standing in front of the net and miming movements from old Darren Pang highlights. Additionally, Tilles doesn't ever come off the ice, so he's perfectly suited to the role.

If I must...

Easiest Job of All Time

Time for me to weigh in with my NHL Dream Team since everyone else seems to be doing it. Note to you all, were you to jump off a bridge, just swim to your left because here I come! Furthermore, despite the fact that I've handcuffed my team to only people who have ever played for the Oilers, this one was super easy. Blogging rules.

1st Line - Klima - Klima - Klima

Now, I know what you're thinking, Klima at center? Well, with his occasional strength on the puck and sometimes selfless play he'd actually be quite good there. I once saw him pass to another player! Imagine how hard that must have been for him! I mean, you're on the ice, you have the puck, you know that with the tiniest ounce of expended energy you could easily go end to end (a feat in itself when you've never even been in your own end) and yet, whether it was one too many during the pregame skate or losing sight of the puck while yawning and accidentally sending it linemateward, you dip a toe into that pool we all call teamwork. Sadly, you find that this pool has not been chlorinated in a while and instantly remove it vowing never to tread in those murky waters again. Still. Imagine!
2nd Line - Klima - Klima - Klima

A perfect compliment to the strenghts and weaknesses of the first line. And how can a team match up against two all-Klima lines? Answer? They wouldn't have to! At most only two Klima's in six would show up anyway, lulling the opposing team into a deep, dream-filled sleep, a gauzy landscape of sno-cones and puck-bunnies, whilst any of the third line Klima's mails the puck into the net.
3rd Line - Klima - Klima - Alexei Kaigorodov
This one's a no brainer.
4th Line - Klima - Klima - Klima

A crushing, grinding, defensive force and perhaps the one for which three Klima's are best suited considering the amount of time spent on the fourth line when actually sent out on the ice at all. These would be the benched Klima's, and who better to play a semi-defensive role than a talented group of forwards who have nothing to do but watch the other team play. Assuming this line stayed on the bench and didn't wander into the Gold Club section and have at the buffet, this truly would be a line to be reckoned with.

Goal - Jaoquin Gage - Pokey Reddick
There! Done it! Easy! And anyone who dares disagree with this can go straight to hell! That means you Greener!


Fuck You, Howard Berger

I just read another worthless article written by the wretched Howard Berger. A mustachioed load with a pinched face and surely a Molson Canadian golf shirt that he got in a SWAG bag at celebrity pro-am in Thunder Bay 8 years ago. The fact that he's spent 19 years in radio is testament to how shitty a writer he is. I have worked in radio- it is the gutter.

In my summer hockey famine I just desperately want to read fresh posts about hockey and The Leafs, so I end up reading things like Howard Berger. It's like living at the dump; you're not getting any real food, so you eat garbage. In the article, Berger claims that he "laughed his tail off" while reading an article another pile wrote, this one Allan Maki at the Globe and Mail, mocking Leafs fan reaction about an informal Leaf skate at our practice arena, Lakeshore Lions. Apparently - and this is the funny part- people in Toronto love hockey and the Leafs so much that we get excited when hockey season approaches, and we renew our love for our team! Hilarious! What a laugh-riot! Stop, my sides!

First of all, Howard, you wrote an article about another article where you ended up quoting just about the whole goddamn thing. Good "work" dude. Boy are you dedicated! Secondly, just a note of explanation for you and your bro Maki, what the two of you winners mocked right there, that's called PASSION. PASSION is a great thing to have with anything, and an amazing thing to have with sports, you stupid McDouche.
He then goes on to write a sigh heavy bit about how it's the same-ole'-same-ole' with The Leafs in the run-up to the new season. Obviously Howard is out of touch with the concept of passion as he goes on to say,

"'s the same routine every year. The early-birds are swarmed by notebooks, cameras and microphones -- mouthing platitudes about the team and how the coming season will be special. Tucker routinely mentions how he likes the make-up of the group in the dressing room; Nik Antropov ponders a season devoid of injury; ditto for Carlo Colaiacovo. Any additions to the team (Jason Blake this summer) talk for a third time of how excited they are to join a franchise with such a storied history -- repeating what they said the night they were acquired..."

Jesus, Howard, we're so sorry, are we keeping you from something? Passion is clearly what Howard has lost for this game and this team long ago. He's so far past giving a shit, he can barely hide it's absence. What's worse, he actually stoops and mocks people who've never lost the thrill that our team gives to us, win or lose, year after year. Incidentally, all the things mentioned by those above Leafs are the same things mentioned by 29 non Stanley Cup winning teams in August. As well as non Pennant/Super Bowl/World Cup/Formula 1/Iditarod/Survivor squad. That's called the way the game is played. Why is that such a problem for him?

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too emotionally about this. Maybe I should sympathize with Howard. All he gets to do is spend time watching, talking to, and traveling with some of the greatest athletes in the world playing for one of the most storied teams on Earth. That's tough. Poor guy. But seriously, fuck you.