Monday, April 14


I prepared myself for watching an Ottawa Senators home game tonight by pre-purging my stomach of it's contents; it just saves me the time and energy cleaning up while watching everything that goes on in that (soon to be deserted) building.
After the pre-game show, which I spent wondering why the hell Ron MacLean was awkwardly holding a bottle of water, Ron threw it over to that pig-pen in Kanata. Just then the Ottawa crowd starts going crazy with a standing ovation. Me, I thought they must've just announced that it was Free Deep-Fried Cookie Dough Night, but no, it was something even worse. The fans were cheering for the now even stupider Daniel Alfredsson, whose brave return to the ice tells you two things: 1. That the Senators diapers are completely full and they know it, and 2. That Alfredsson is one boards bump away from eating his Meusli in pablum form for the rest of his life. Let's put it this way: When a reporter asked Alfredsson how he felt to be back in the game, he replied "It's 11:30."

But wait. Before the NHL playoffs continue, the Senators organization puts on the most unintentionally homo-erotic thing I've seen since Washingtron's acting reel. It's the stupidest thing that team has done since putting up a classless yet insanely reversely motivating banner in the visitors hallway. When was that again? Oh yeah, yesterday.
See, here's the thing: Canadians don't really know how to "put on a big show". It's not in our genes...or in our Genies or Junos or CASBY's. Every time we try to do something big and produced (read: American), it comes out looking quaint and provincial. Every time the Ottawa Senators try, it comes out howlingly ridiculous and absurd (read: their Stanley Cup dreams).

During the actual game I noticed that great teammate Martin Gerber paid tribute to fallen Senator Mike Fisher by picking up where Fisher left off from last years playoffs by diving like a bitch when bumped by an opposing player. Diving is one thing, but diving in the playoffs is some of the worst shit I've seen. So in this case, A (Mike Fisher) + B (Martin Gerber) = C (No One Respects the Ottawa Senators). What a surprise that all of Canada wants them to lose...AGAIN.

A fantastic Penguin win, ironically made all the better because Gary Roberts couldn't play and they still dominated. Crosby is scoring now, and the Senator answer for him is...Nick Foligno? Better start preparing next years banner.