Thursday, August 21

SAY IT AINT SO

I must tell you without embarrassment that my hockey dreams ended only recently. I say only because I am a wee bit past even the over-age draft. I say wee-bit but truthfully when over-age draft and I hang out at the club, chicks ask over-age draft if I’m his uncle.


I have alluded in previous posts to my age: mentioning slow dancing with girls at high school dances to the Bangles for example. Or that I knew girls who tried to dress like Madonna, un-ironically.

That I played hockey cards for crying out loud.

And I know that with my milky white skin and boy-puppy looks that that seems hard to believe but it’s true. And before you ask if I Dougie Houser-ed it through school I didn’t.

Recently I was speaking with He Score He Shoot’s very own Greener when he mentioned that I would never play in the NHL. Truth be told I don’t remember what led up to him saying that, only that he did so casually, like he was telling me that I had a booger in my nose or that he recently tried Eggs Benedict and didn’t care for it at all. And as realization ascended upon me like an attacking Vampire and the pain spread quickly like a coldsore developing with time lapse photography, he said it again.

And whether it was because I held Greener’s opinion up so high or that I was having what alcoholics refer to as their moment of truth - but I swear on a stack of bibles that I was certain, right up to that moment, that one day I was going to be drafted into the NHL.

And not in a - I hope one day I win the lottery or one day I hope to have a threesome - but in a "God I wonder what round I'm gonna go in' kind of way. For those of you who speak Latin that’s what’s called ignis fatuus.

When I alluded as such to Greener, he did a spit take that woulda made Marlo Thomas’ father proud and said, his voice as icy and unforgiving as a Snowman blowjob (and I quote), ‘Norte you are old, fat, stupid and ugly and you are never going to play in the NHL.”


Now I understood fat: even stupid and ugly held a certain credence with me. I was come ci come ca with old - as everyone knows goalies hit their prime much later in life, but it was you are never going to play in the NHL that hit me. Somehow it didn’t matter that I hadn’t been on skates since I was a kid save for the time 17 years ago a girl I was dating somehow convinced me that skating on the canal was a good idea (it wasn’t and I am happy to tell you I broke up with her soon after.) It didn’t matter that, over the years, I had treated my body not so much a temple as a 3000 day bender in Amsterdam. And because of it I suffer a complete rupture of the achilles tendon, Inflammation or degeneration of the Achilles tendon or Achilles tendinopathy which is the pain I may or may not have at the back of the heel caused by an inflamed bursa, Tight calf muscles, Haglunds Syndrome, Apophysitis calcanei, Deep Vein Thrombosis, DOMS or Delayed Onset Muscle, Popliteal Artery Entrapment, Lateral compartment Syndrome which is pain on the outside of the lower leg caused by excess pressure in the lateral calf muscles. Tibialis Posterior Syndrome, A stress Fracture of the Tibia or Lower Leg, Anterior Compartment Syndrome, Peroneal Tendon Dislocation, Sinus Tarsi Syndrome, Hotel/Restaurant Management, Tibialis Posterior Syndrome, Inflammation of the tendon sheath of the Tibialis Anterior. Tennis Elbow, Anterior Cruciate Ligament, Jumpers Knee or Patella Tendinitis. Osgood Slatters Disease, Patella Pain Syndrome (CMP), Housemaids Knee, Medical Cartilage Meniscus Injury, Osteoarthritis of the Knee, Synovial Plica, Patella Plica, Iliotibial Band Friction Syndrome (runners knee), Patellofemoral Instability, Lateral Meniscus Tear or Cartilage Tear, Medical Cartilage Meniscus, Posterior Crucciate ligament sprain, Patella Dislocation, Tibiofibular Joint Dislocation, Coronary Ligament Sparin, Fat Pad Impingement, hotel/restaurant management, Hernia, Ostitis Pubis, Inflammation of iliopsas muscle, Ruptured Iliopsas Muscle, Inflammation of the rectus femoris tendon, Stress fracture of the femur, Slippage of the epipysis at neck of femur, Inflammation and calcification of the greater trochanter or Perthes Disease, Labral tear, Snapping Hip, Pirifromis, Inflammation of the Sacroiliac Joint, Iliolumbar Sprain, Myofascial Pain and Trigger Points, Sciatica, Ankylosing Spondylitis or Bechterew’s Disease, Ischoliogluteal Bursitis, Cocydynia or Chronic Coccyx pain, Inflammation of muscle attachments to the spine, Scheuermann's disease, Tight Muscles in the Upper and Lower Back and Neck, Cervcical Posture Syndrome, Kyphosis, Whiplash, Nerve Root Compression, Intervertibral Disc Injury, Slipped Disk, Sciatica, Spondylolyis, Stress Fracture of the Pars Interarticulars, Spondylylotheis, Muscal Trigger Points in the Buttocks, Paravertebral Trigger Points all along my spine, Muscle strains in the low back, Facet Joint Pain, Weak back, AC joint injury, Dislocated Shoulder, Impingement Syndrome, Frozen Shoulder, Rotator Cuff Injury, Scoliosis, Lordosis, Spinal Canal Stenosis, Deltoid Muscle Strain, Sternoclavicular Dislocation and Winged Scapula, and that’s just in that one.