Thursday, May 22

The NHL Schedule: An Exact Science

Say, I wonder whatever happened in the Stanley Cup playoffs of 2008? I can't remember who won the Cup, because they were playing so long ago. They must've awarded it by now, right? It's like trying to remember when you were a baby...when you're 80. You're pretty sure it happened, but it's real, real fuzzy.

The reason for this is because the lawyers who run the NHL thought it'd be totally fine to have a weeks layover between the last conference championship game and game 1 of the final. Of course, this makes sense; The NHL's American profile is so big it can afford to be off the minds of every sports fan in the U.S. during its best and most important time of the season. The average American fan, so coveted by former NBA great Gary Bettman, will never forget that hockey exists, right? That's the sport where they go round and round in a circle until someone dies in a fiery 10 car crash, right? Yes, Gomer, that's right.

Here is an illustration designed by scientists, now found in textbooks and used to demonstrate to students from K-12 just how much of a joke the NHL is:

Man, scientists make learning fun! When I get big, I want to be a scientist! No, wait. I want to be a lawyer!

Here's another way to see it: Baseball's playoff is the October Classic. Football's is the Super Bowl. The NHL's is a week of Will & Grace re-runs on NBC. But again, it doesn't matter, because it's on everyone's lips. The Stanley Cup Final. Detroit and Pittsburgh. Superstars of past, present and future. Youth vs. Experience. Motown vs. Steeltown...

Fade To:


JACK: Hi. Is Will back from his date with that cop guy?

GRACE: No, still out.

JACK: He is? I figured by now he be curled up in his bed crying himself into a Snickers bar. [GIGGLES]

GRACE: Why do you do that, Jack? You're his friend. Why does Will's pain always amuse you?

JACK: 'Member that time his date went so badly, he came home and started writing a play? [LAUGHS]

GRACE: Ah! You mean, If Gay Means Happy, Why Am I So Sad? Yes, that--