Thursday, May 22

The NHL Schedule: An Exact Science

Say, I wonder whatever happened in the Stanley Cup playoffs of 2008? I can't remember who won the Cup, because they were playing so long ago. They must've awarded it by now, right? It's like trying to remember when you were a baby...when you're 80. You're pretty sure it happened, but it's real, real fuzzy.

The reason for this is because the lawyers who run the NHL thought it'd be totally fine to have a weeks layover between the last conference championship game and game 1 of the final. Of course, this makes sense; The NHL's American profile is so big it can afford to be off the minds of every sports fan in the U.S. during its best and most important time of the season. The average American fan, so coveted by former NBA great Gary Bettman, will never forget that hockey exists, right? That's the sport where they go round and round in a circle until someone dies in a fiery 10 car crash, right? Yes, Gomer, that's right.

Here is an illustration designed by scientists, now found in textbooks and used to demonstrate to students from K-12 just how much of a joke the NHL is:

Man, scientists make learning fun! When I get big, I want to be a scientist! No, wait. I want to be a lawyer!

Here's another way to see it: Baseball's playoff is the October Classic. Football's is the Super Bowl. The NHL's is a week of Will & Grace re-runs on NBC. But again, it doesn't matter, because it's on everyone's lips. The Stanley Cup Final. Detroit and Pittsburgh. Superstars of past, present and future. Youth vs. Experience. Motown vs. Steeltown...

Fade To:

(GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE WHEN JACK ENTERS.]

JACK: Hi. Is Will back from his date with that cop guy?

GRACE: No, still out.

JACK: He is? I figured by now he be curled up in his bed crying himself into a Snickers bar. [GIGGLES]

GRACE: Why do you do that, Jack? You're his friend. Why does Will's pain always amuse you?

JACK: 'Member that time his date went so badly, he came home and started writing a play? [LAUGHS]

GRACE: Ah! You mean, If Gay Means Happy, Why Am I So Sad? Yes, that--

[GRACE AND JACK LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.]

8 comments:

eyebleaf said...

you should have sent that script into Will and Grace. that's a beauty.

red wings in 6

eyebleaf said...

oh, and maybe it's me and the fact that i'm hockey obsessed, but i have no problem having the final start a week from when the third round ended. sure, it would be nice if they could pick up and start the next series the next day but, what are they, basketball players?

hockey is the most physically grueling and intense sport. these guys are broken down by the time they reach the final. brendan morrow had a bad leg and a bad shoulder but there he was playing in game 6 for the stars. this is hockey, these guys need time to heal.

hockey needs to stop worrying about attracting the "casual fan" with the stanley cup final. if they can't appreciate the beauty of the game, and the magnificent beauty of that glorious, glorious trophy, enough to watch hockey before the final...well, fuck em....

Moose said...

That post is ALMOST exactly what we talked about.

eyebleaf said...

well my lazy ass needs to listen to the podcast then.

PPP said...

Everyone's lazy ass needs to listen to the podcast.

I want every playoff run to be just like my first one in 93. One game every other day come hell or high water or headbutts to McSorley.

Heather said...

Oddly enough, I remember that episode of Will and Grace.

I will show myself out.

Phyliss said...

Good post.

Greener said...

Thanks Phyllis! How did you find us?