The NHL Schedule: An Exact Science

Say, I wonder whatever happened in the Stanley Cup playoffs of 2008? I can't remember who won the Cup, because they were playing so long ago. They must've awarded it by now, right? It's like trying to remember when you were a baby...when you're 80. You're pretty sure it happened, but it's real, real fuzzy.

The reason for this is because the lawyers who run the NHL thought it'd be totally fine to have a weeks layover between the last conference championship game and game 1 of the final. Of course, this makes sense; The NHL's American profile is so big it can afford to be off the minds of every sports fan in the U.S. during its best and most important time of the season. The average American fan, so coveted by former NBA great Gary Bettman, will never forget that hockey exists, right? That's the sport where they go round and round in a circle until someone dies in a 10 car fiery crash, right? Yes, Gomer, that's right.

Here is an illustration designed by scientists, now found in textbooks and used to demonstrate to students from K-12 just how much of a joke the NHL is:

Man, scientists make learning fun! When I get big, I want to be a scientist! No, wait. I want to be a lawyer!

Here's another way to see it: Baseball's playoff is the October Classic. Football's is the Super Bowl. The NHL's is a week of Will & Grace re-runs on NBC. But again, it doesn't matter, because it's on everyone's lips. The Stanley Cup Final. Detroit and Pittsburgh. Superstars of past, present and future. Youth vs. Experience. Motown vs. Steeltown...

Fade To:

(GRACE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE WHEN JACK ENTERS.]

JACK: Hi. Is Will back from his date with that cop guy?

GRACE: No, still out.

JACK: He is? I figured by now he be curled up in his bed crying himself into a Snickers bar. [GIGGLES]

GRACE: Why do you do that, Jack? You're his friend. Why does Will's pain always amuse you?

JACK: 'Member that time his date went so badly, he came home and started writing a play? [LAUGHS]

GRACE: Ah! You mean, If Gay Means Happy, Why Am I So Sad? Yes, that--

[GRACE AND JACK LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.]

Indian or Chief?

Sloppy Seconds of Dustin Tokarski



Just watching the Memorial Cup this week, and one guy has really stood out: Spokane netminder Dustin Tokarski. The guy has been on a tear since the WHL playoffs started, and hasn't dropped off in this tournament.

"Dusty" or "Toks," or whatever highly imaginative nickname his teammates have given him, had a great regular season. He ranked 5th in the WHL in wins (30), 3rd in GAA (2.05), 2nd in shutouts (6), and first in save percentage (.922). But he was even better in the WHL playoffs, going 16-2, posting a 1.38, with a .944 save percentage and 3 shutouts. Those are pretty gaudy numbers. He reads the play well, his positioning is great, and he seems to make that timely big save.

I can't get my head around the fact that this kid is ranked 9th by Central Scouting among North American goalies for this years' draft. ISS has him ranked 5th among ALL goalies, which seems a tad more accurate, but if there are a handful better than him in this draft, then it must be a very strong crop. Want proof? Here is Central Scouting's #1 ranked goalie Thomas McCollum:

Uh...well, I'm just saying. Tokarski has been climbing the charts on a lot of scouts lists, and I would expect he could crack the 2nd round by the time the Memorial Cup is in the books. He's been dynamite when it matters most. But don't take my word for it, I'm obviously not his only fan.

Good to see the Chiefs back in the Memorial Cup Final. I became something of a minor fan back in the Falloon-Whitney days. More Memorial Cup thoughts in a couple days.

Edit (7:26pm): Special thanks to Heather, who obviously used her telepathic powers to inspire this post, and is clearly a good judge of hockey talent.

HS/HS Radio Episode 2! We Can't Believe It Either!

Never satisfied with sitting around on our laurels, mainly because we heard once that laurels go on your head, your friends here at He Score, He Shoot have gone and done what no one, especially themselves, thought they'd ever do again. No, not have another homosexual "experiment session", I mean record another episode of HS/HS Radio!

Taking painstaking hours to put together, and using the skills worthy of the finest craftsmen, Norte Wash Moose I offer up something delicious to finally take the place of that awful Counting Crows album in your iPod. You know the one. Its got that terrible song on it. No, wait. Its got those terrible songs on it.

Just click on the post title above, and begin possible enjoyment. And for God's sake, tell us what you think of it in the comments section. Moose can take it. To set the scene, here's a picture we snapped during recording. Thanks!

Brick By Brick

An RFA, UFA, & Trade For The Summer

With the Stanley Cup Finals almost upon us, 26 GM's have already begun the process of overhauling their rosters. Summer is a time of hope for hockey fans. Anything seems possible in the off-season...until your GM passes on Nikita Filatov at the Draft, or decides to 'take a flyer' on Alexei Yashin. I'm talking to you Don Waddell.

The Summer is a time for tough decisions: UFA's, RFA's, the Entry Draft, GM's peddling contract mistakes and underachieving stars. What to do? Here's a look at an RFA, UFA and trade for the Leafs and Oil.

The Rebuild

As soon as Richard Peddie goes all "Jerry Jones" and names himself GM, we can get this party started. When the Toronto media starts floating THAT rumor in a few days, remember where you heard it first.

The Leafs need to revamp their top 6 forwards, and could use a physical injection on the blueline. Help up front becomes even more pressing if Sundin decides to call it quits.

The RFA: Jeff Carter

I'm pretty sure this is Jeff Carter (right). It was one of the first photos that came up in my Google image search. I mean, I'm not quite sure why a professional hockey player has a photo up on manzone.yuku.com, but whatever. Ladies, don't ever say HSHS has nothing to offer you.

The Flyers have nearly $50 million in salary already committed for next year, and have Carter, R.J. Umberger, and Randy Jones to sign as RFA's. With Umberger due for a 7000% raise, a $5 million offer sheet to Carter could put the Flyers in a tough spot. Carter is from London, and with Richards and Briere as the 1-2 punch down the middle, he may relish the chance to take on a bigger role elsewhere. If Sundin comes back, he makes a great #2 until the Swede calls it quits. An offer sheet of $4.99 million would cost the Leafs two #1's, a #2, and #3 pick. That's probably palatable. $5 million or more would cost them four #1's - a little steep for a rebuilding team.

With the Flyers defence having been exposed in the playoffs, it's likely that Paul Holmgren's off-season will involve spending some money to upgrade the back end. If so, Carter could also be a realistic trade target as well. Would you trade Kaberle for Carter? Would the Flyers take McCabe + or Kubina + ?

Whatever the answer, if the Leafs do go the offer sheet route, their new GM would be best to call Paul Holmgren first. We all know that's the only right thing to do.

The UFA: Brooks Orpik

The Leafs have a lot of cash tied up in their blueline corps, so instead of chasing the big name UFA d-men like Campbell and Redden - whose skill set is already duplicated among current Leafs current - they would be best served by adding a mid-range, physical presence like Orpik. I've heard Jason Smith's name tossed about, but Orpik is much younger (26) and shouldn't cost too much more. Besides, after making the huge mistake of trading Smith 9 years ago, signing a slower, aging, rim-it-off-the-glass version is a good way to remind fans of your incompetence.

The Trade: Pierre-Marc Bouchard

I'm going a bit off the board here, because the big-name forwards on the UFA market can be grouped into three classes: Overpays (Hossa), Risky (Prospal, Huselius, Ryder) and Diminishing Returns (Morrison, Naslund, Straka). There are guys like Brian Rolston and Cory Stillman, but they don't exactly make the Leafs any younger.

Bouchard is a dynamic offensive player who hasn't always been a happy camper playing for Jacques Lemaire in Minnesota, and apparently the feeling is mutual. Let's face it, Jacques Lemaire would have turned the Tet Offensive into a left wing lock. Bouchard is an RFA, but a 'fair' offer sheet would likely be matched, and any offer that wouldn't be matched would have to be considered an overpay.

With Marian Gaborik on the verge of UFA status, the Wild are in need of a chemistry shake-up, and adding some "win now" veterans might be valuable in convincing Gaborik to stay. Think the robotic Wild could use a guy like Darcy Tucker? Bouchard went 13-50-63 last year. With the right linemates and PP time, he'd be a consistent 70 point guy.

Fine Tuning

With all the positive feeling surrounding the Oilers at the end of the season, Kevin Lowe's task this Summer is to add without major subtraction. Icing an injury riddled team, the Oil missed the playoffs by just 3 points, ending the year as one of the hottest teams in the NHL. They did it despite missing Shawn Horcoff, Raffi Torres, Ethan Moreau, and Sheldon Souray. With those pieces back on the depth chart, Lowe has a surplus of assets to play with as he seeks to augment a team full of young, budding talent. Boy, that paragraph sounds like I'm writing for TSN or something. Have you guys heard the one about Norte's 2-year-old son tea-bagging him?

The Oilers need secondary scoring - to insulate them from any potential sophomore slumps - a shut-down defenseman, and some toughness.

The RFA: Shea Weber

There's virtually no chance the Oilers extend an offer sheet this year, but if they did, Weber fits the need for a first pairing shut-down defenceman, and he plays for a team in a vulnerable financial position. That being said, Kevin Lowe doesn't want EVERY GM to hate him, and Nashville will most likely lock this guy up before July 1.

The UFA: Ryan Malone

Lowe has talked about his desire to add toughness in the form of someone who can play a regular shift, and Malone fits that bill. He's turned into a legitimate power forward who would address the need for both scoring (27 goals) and toughness (103 PIMS), as he's shown a willingness to drop the gloves for his teammates.

With the Pens needing to re-sign Fleury this year, then Malkin and Staal next year, it's unlikely they'll be able to match what Malone will fetch on the open market. He's a local boy, so he could take the hometown discount to stay with what looks to be a perennial Cup contender, but go ask Ryan Smyth how that works. If the Oilers move Torres, Stoll, or Pitkanen to acquire a top flight defenceman, Malone could fit into their salary structure. He'll likely get $4 million plus from someone.


The Trade: Jay Bouwmeester

The Panthers are a mess. Despite having a great young core to build around (Jokinen, Horton, Bouwmeester, Booth, Weiss), you just know they're going to do something Luongo-esque that they'll regret later. Hopefully it's trading Jay Bouwmeester to the Edmonton Oilers.

Bouwmeester is an RFA, and will likely command near $6 million. Do the Panthers want to pay that? Do the Panthers even have $6 million dollars? I'm not sure of the answers to those questio...holy shit, is that longest fucking stick you've ever seen in your life?! Is that an optical illusion? It looks like Jay-Bo grabbed that straight out of Sergei Bubka's closet and headed to the rink.

Bouwmeester would be the perfect first pairing guy for the Oil. He can skate, he's got some offense, and he can play against the other teams' top line. Pitkanen, Torres and Schremp? Does that get it done? Toss in a pick or another prospect? The Panthers are in dire need of change and the Oilers are one of the few teams that have an excess of NHL talent to make a deal with. Aside from a few rumors here and there, I'm not sure if the Panthers want to deal him, but the Oilers are in a good position if they do.

What's The NBA Got That We Don't? Oh Yeah...

Does anyone out there have contact information for Braydon Coburn? I want to send him the URL for an article on ESPN.com "The Leader in something something", which told me in no uncertain term that Kobe Bryant's sore back won't keep him from playing game 5 in the Western semi-finals on Wednesday! Wow, what a warrior!!

According to ESPN's fawning tribute impartial article, the sore back had Kobe "wincing in pain" during the game. Ouch! That smarts, huh Kobe! Did that happen when that guy bumped into you? Or was it when that other dude tossed you the ball, and you had to jump? How do those b-ballers do it? I guess it just makes sense that NBA ratings...well that the NBA actually has ratings, and the four people here in the U.S. who watch hockey: me, Chemmy, Moose and Heather from Wrap Around Curl have to listen to "NHL on Versus" host Bill Patrick try to assuage the anger of the mouth-breathers waiting for bullriding to come on when the Stars/Sharks game goes into overtime.

Meanwhile, Flyers GM Paul Holmgren told the (probably all Canadian) media that Coburn is "doubtful" for game three against the Penguins. Why? Just because a slapshotted puck tore the top of his head off, almost killing him? Yeah, whatever Coburn. Don't expect to be back in a Flyers jersey next year, pussy.

This is the same media which venerates baseball players. I'm telling you, I think I once heard Bob Costas (whom I really like and respect) once say that baseball players were the best athletes in the world. I mean, am I crazy? I really remember hearing him say that. I'd say the average poll vaulter is a better conditioned athelete than the average ball player. You ever see a baseball training camp workout? It starts with a spirited game of catch, followed by excruciating toe-touches, then, off to the showers, boys, because those beers ain't going to drink themselves!

Right now Braydon Coburn isn't pissed off because he looks like Zombie #6 in Dawn of the Dead, it's because he knows he's "doubtful" for game 3 against the Penguins. I guarantee you that has him "wincing in pain" a lot more than Kobe Bryant.

HE SCORE, HE SHOOT RADIO! (click here)

Hey everybody, you know that feeling where you've said you were going to do something for a long time, and then you actually get off your ass and go do it? Well, now we know that feeling too! We're excited to bring you He Score, He Shoot Podcast Radio!
Not content with simply writing our third hand hockey opinions and poorly doctored photos out for you, now we want you to listen to us talk about it! It's a win/win, if one of those "win"s was a "lose"!

Please just click on post title above and hear things you've never dreamed of hearing, like:

• How much of a bossy, overbearing windbag I am!
• How much of a monotonous, boring milquetoast Moose is!
• What the acoustics in the office in my home sound like!
• And many, many more!

Moose and I actually spent a fun afternoon together in my house to make this. If I'd realized that the best way to get Moose to come over to my home and hang out was an unending supply of Vitamin Waters, I'd of stopped buying Vitamin Waters. It's basically us doing what we do on the phone, in the car, and at dinner with our girlfriends; talk about hockey and try and be funny. Wow, sounds appealing, doesn't it?

In spite of that, we hope you guys listen and enjoy it. We had a great time doing it, and if they go well, we'd love to do more. We appreciate your participation, and we'd love to hear what you think.

Cliff Fletcher: In Brief

After the firing of Paul Maurice, Cliff Fletcher called a news conference for three o'clock yesterday afternoon. Intense speculation swirled in the air, a brisk breeze of hope and possibility catching the joy-starved masses of Leaf Nation in its musky embrace.

Maurice was fired, sure, but why now? What else had Fletcher to say at the news conference? Is there a new GM?! A new coach?! A new coach/GM?! OMFG, it's Fab Brunnstrom, isn't it? The Leafs landed Brunnstrom! I'm going to call him FB from now on! Wait, maybe he's the new GM?! Maybe they... (ellipses indicating this type of speculation literally going on into infinity)

And then, the hour came. George Clifford Fletcher took the podium. Oooo, I'm all excited! What bombshell is gonna explode?!? Here is the complete official transcript of Fletcher's address:

Subject walks onto dais, takes seat at podium.

Subject takes sip of water, clears throat.

Subject: "Today, I'm here to announce that the Toronto Maple Leafs have fired coach Paul Maurice."

Subject rises from seat and leaves room.

Cue the sound of a deflating balloon. Cliff spoke for 24 minutes and didn't say another word. Once again we all got caught up in the delicious possibility of something positive happening to the Leafs that we ignored our instincts and thought with our hearts. You can't blame us, though.

I'm not sure who I feel worse for: Maurice (and assistant Randy Ladouceur) who were brought in to the Leafs at one of the teams' worst junctures, and because of that always seemed to be swimming upstream, or Cliff Fletcher. For it's Fletcher who has to get up in front of all of us and be the teeth-gritting mouthpiece for the Creep Cabal known as the board of MLSE. I mean, look, he signed up for it, but still. Fletcher (like Maurice and JFJ) is a class act, and you just get the sense that he knows how incompetent the people who run the team are, how they may be good business men, but they're not good [hockey] people.

Fletcher went through the motions and answered as well as he could (or wanted to) about what this means to the Leafs. For good measure he's assured us that this is the "start of a new era" for the Leafs. We can all assume he intends that to be true, but when the business model is as (financially) sound as it is for the corporate drones upstairs, how much "new era" can we all expect to see?

Paul Maurice: Fired

Temporary Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher fired temporarily unemployed coach Paul Maurice this morning. The obvious question to be asked right now, "Why do this now?" Is it so that the new GM doesn't have to unsheathe his blade and cut Maurice loose on day one? Does that mean there is a new guy, or is this just another tentacle of the immense dysfunction of MLSE? Isn't everything around this team?

It's 12:30 EST right now. Fletcher is scheduled for a press conference at 3. There is already speculation that Cliff will have more to announce than just the firing at that time. Also, I'm already hearing all these ugly stories come out about Maurice and his dressing room. I'll have more after the press conference.

Greener, Why Don't You Tell Us Who The Next Contestant Is?

With news this morning that one of the candidates on the (media's) short-list to take over as Leafs GM - Doug Armstrong - is alive, well, under 80 years old, and best yet, apparently VERY interested in the job, it occurs to me how much time and space Monsieur's Peddie and Kirke are giving themselves to put a man behind the desk at the ACC.
Doug, or Dougie, as I'm sure everyone calls him, is late of the Dallas "It Says Dallas Right On The Front" Stars. The team that a lot of people are suddenly picking to win the West. He of, "I drafted all those guys". He of, "I was so good, after I left they had to hire two guys to do my job". Whatever he is, he's the next heir apparent to the greatest job in hockey next to being my linemate.

Although he said all the right things about the magnitude of the Leafs GM job, when Sarina-born Dougie (Oooo, it just rolls of the tongue!), was asked about working for the Leafs, he said,

"I'm from Ontario. I grew up there. My father worked in the NHL, and I spent a lot of times at Maple Leaf Gardens."

Not exactly "I bleed blue and white", is it? It sounds more like, "I grew up worshiping the Red Wings", but, whatever. Armstrong gets it. Leafs GM is the biggest job in the sport, and if he comes in knowing how big a task he'll face, all the better. Personally, my top choice is Jim Nill, because of the way the Wings draft, but hey, hey, hey, we're still a long ways off from anyone getting the job.


As we sit here totally relieved that no Canadian team will win The Cup, can't we all feel Peddie and Kirke starting to fuck up the task of finding the GM? Is it just me, because I've got this dread creeping up my spine. I just know those two walking advertisements for scotch and hubris will go down the same path they did when they hired JFJ: That being bringing in someone under qualified who they feel MLSE will be able to micro-manage into the ground. That happens, and we'll all have to have this very same conversation in 5 years. Or, more accurately, you'll be having it with Loser Domi as I'll have long moved on to blogging about the most exciting sport on the Versus network: professional bullriding.

To wit, please reflect on this graph showing Peddie and Kirke's modus operandi between now and the next most important event in Leafs history: Draft day this June.*

*accurate to +/- 0.00000000000001 of a percentage point

Washingtron Leaves Wife For "True Love"

Avery Seriously Ill. Euthanasia Debate Ends

With a single body check, Sean Avery found a way to stay in the press well after the Rangers are eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. The crafty devil. That bastion of journalistic integrity, The New York Daily News, had Avery in cardiac arrest at 3 am after the game, with "someone" finding him at the last minute, saving his Canadian bacon. Untrue. Avery's injury happened sometime during the game, and he was fairly ineffective thereafter because of the serious pain he was in. Immediately following the game, he went to a New York hospital under his own steam.

The medical community is under fire this morning as the public asks, "What is a doctors place?" and "Should a doctor always save a life? Euthanasia advocates were the go-to guests on all the news networks as hoards of pro assisted-suicide protesters clashed with police outside of Avery's hospital.

"Let Sean do the right thing!" The crowds chanted. Adding, "Let him go the way he played hockey: with dignity!"

That sentiment is not only being heard in New York, Pittsburgh, and Martin Brodeur's house, its also gone international. A CNN/Time Magazine poll released this morning shows where support for euthanasia is highest. With this, world leaders, hospital administrators and Gary Bettman, today will not be able to look away at the plight of #16.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Omnipresence

As I struggle to give a shit... wait, sorry. I'll start again. As I stay glued to the playoffs even though the Leafs aren't involved, my beloved ones are never far from my mind. Like in yesterdays post I wondered aloud what difference Sundin would be making on a Canadiens squad which desperately needs a man around the house. Watching the Pens/Rangers series, if you can call it that, I'm enjoying watching Hal Gill a lot, because, what do I care if he makes a mistake? (Please Note: 1) I do care a little as I want the Rangers out of it, home, and in bed by Friday. And 2) Hal's just not making that many mistakes.)

I'm also buoyed by the news that roughly 2/3 's of the nominees for the Hart this year were linemates with our very own Nikolai Kulemin. At the World Championships in 2006, Ovechkin, Malkin and Kulemin played on the same line, and Kulemin and Malkin were paired together when Malkin played for Magnitogorsk Metallurg in the Blorska Nofski Jorkavet. This wasn't one of those Sundin and Jonas Hoglund deals, either. Metallurg coach Dave King gave a mighty two thumbs up to Niki, saying, when asked about the two:

"All of a sudden, he shows he can make a lot of plays. The play didn't stop with him, he made the next play. Suddenly, Malkin was on a tear, the line was a real plus line and, really, the key element was Nikolai Kulemin."

AND

"He's a two-way hockey player. He's got the ability to add to your offence. He can make good plays, he can also score. Beyond that, what really impressed me, was his defensive anticipation. His ability to read the game defensively and make the right play."

Well hooray for us. So taking it a step further, if Ovechkin is like Bure and Malkin is like Mogilny, then by King's description, Kulemin is...Federov? Holy shit! We drafted Federov! And not Fedor, either! The good brother! AWESOME!

~~~~

In other news, the Penguins of Pittsburgh are making a laughingstock out of their opponents by now going 7-0 in the post season. In a weird post-loss scrum, Jaromir Jagr responded to the pressure the Pens are putting on him by threatening to quit and by growing a Hitler moustache.This is the real picture. I didn't touch his face up. I mean, Jaro, we all face stress in our lives. Sometimes the store runs out of that wine I like to serve to all the ladies, and I'm like, "Noo-ooo!" But I kinda, get over it. I don't...You do all see that Jaromir Jagr has a Hitler moustache, right? This isn't one of those things I want to be on my own about. Right! Right?

Carey Price: Let's Not Get The Crown Out Too Early

A head to head matchup yesterday as teams from two cities battled it out to see who could have the most classless fans in the NHL. Who are our contestants? (Ooooo, I'm so nervous!)

In THIS corner, the fans who boo O'Canada - because if any country deserves a good booing, it's Canada - The fans who chant pro American slogans in support of one of their players [a Canadian] yes, it's the fans of the Philadelphia "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Flyers. Aaaaand in THAT corner, the fans who pointlessly started the anthem boo war, the fans who boo francophone's who dare play somewhere else, the fans who, when they say you have a hot car, literally mean that you have a hot car, the supporters of the Montreal "I Fought The Law" Canadiens!

Traditionally its taken a lot to outdo the animals who populate the tundra that is the Philadelphia sports scene, but somehow a pocket of Habs fans take it on this one. It'll be very interesting to see how they respond once they get back to Montreal. They have a real opportunity to show everyone up and be all awesome and cheer the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and not go nuts and loot the nearest La Cage aux Sport, but, you know, you just gotta earn that trust.

As for the game, Patrick Roy Carey Price was beyond awful and was chased from the net after a second period where he looked like a scared 20 year-old with the hopes and dreams of a natio... sorry, a small group of Quebecois and Moose riding on his shoulders. I don't know which of those goals he looked worst on, maybe the Richards, maybe the Umberger (I told you about Umberger, didn't I), which he just looked at helplessly as the game winner just sailed by him. This came about from a terrific Flyer forecheck where the Habs fucked around in their own end looking as weak as their goalie. The opposite of all this being Quebec native son Martin Biron who looked great and brilliantly murdered Saku Koivu on the breakaway. Biron looked like he was playing playoff hockey, Price did not. You just know that as we speak, thousands of Pennsylvanians with the ability to photoshop are making up pictures of Price with a beach ball behind him.
Lastly, I don't know about the rest of you, but in that second period, it occured to me to wonder what would be happening on the ice if Sundin had allowed the trade of himself for Higgins + a 1,2 and 3. How differently would the Habs look with Sundin's everything just playing with the puck down low. I mean, who gives a shit, but I did think about it.

Can We Get Hal Gill Back?

While being forced to endure Leafs/Bruins games a few years ago, I was always annoyed by Hal Gill because he was effective against Toronto and because I felt he was basically the poor man's Zdeno Chara. And since I hated the rich man's Zdeno Chara, Zdeno Chara, Hal Gill was doomed to me by mere association. Once lucky/smart enough to sign with the Leafs, my appreciation severely increased, as he was one of Toronto's more reliable players.

Fast forward to April 2008, and Hal Gill has been lucky/smart enough to be traded from Toronto to a great Pittsburgh team headed by Sidney "Down She Goes" Crosby. A perfect match-up in playing the Rangers as Gill is always good in shut-down mode against Yammy Yager and now he's been given the following assignment: Sean Avery...Target With Extreme Prejudice. Or some other movie sample I got from an industrial music record 15 years ago.
So at the end of the game, as Avery was doing what he does best- be incredibly effective -Hal Gill did what he was supposed to do, and kinda fought Sean Avery. I say kinda because he threw down his gloves and actually looked intent on getting it on with Avery before the official charged in and saved Gill's life.
The point I'm making is that I absolutely love that kind of hockey playing and I especially like it when it comes dressed in blue and white with a crest in the chest that carries a certain mapley motif. Where all that jam was when Gill was regularly dressed in said sweater with matching pants is uncertain. At the very least both the Leafs and the Pens seem to have gotten something out of the trade, as the Leafs got a couple of picks including a second in a good draft year.

Speaking of Sean Avery, I am now going to mention something I prophesied I would tell in the very first HS/HS post, written on August 6th of last year. It was when I, yes, I, ran into Sean Avery! I know, I can't stand me either!

I was in a club here in L.A. called TOKIO, a place which is described as "...catering to Hollywood's most discerning and hip crowd..." which is clearly a lie seeing as how I was there. I remember the night well because I had on a really nice jacket and I ran into my friend Hansel who is a huge Avalanche fan and wears shirts with "FOPPA" written on them which I think is gay, but whatever. Hansel's a great guy and he knows his hockey and we were having a great conversation about it, just trying to ignore the wall-to-wall hot Asian chicks everywhere in the bar. Like sheesh! Can't a guy get some peace sometimes?!?

So we're yapping away and directly across from me I see a woman I really, really wanted to have sex with in 1990 by the name of Rachel Hunter. The old bag still looks pretty good, and awwwwwe, isn't that sweet? She brought her little brother with her! Cute little guy, he doesn't look too happy though, must be past his bedtime. Oh, ah, no, it's her boyfriend, Sean Avery.

Hansel and I then debate for a minute whether or not it was him. I said it was though Hansel wasn't so sure. I knew it was because I am NEVER wrong about those things, and when you're never wrong about those things, you're never wrong. We wanted to go up and talk to him to prove it but we had to think of something to say first because I would NEVER want Sean Avery to think that we were star-fucking, or even worse, fans of his, so we decided to ask him what player he hated the most in the NHL. Hansel said it was for sure going to be Darcy Tucker which I thought was a little obvious. I went the road less traveled and said Jarrko Ruutu. I thought Ruutu because besides being one of the biggest assholes in Earth's history, Ruutu (then with the Canucks) would've had the opportunity to go against Avery (then with the Kings) 1000 times a year, therefore inflaming the hate.

We went up to him and said hi. He was actually cool and I think enjoyed that we talked to him about hockey and not his girlfriend. We asked him the question and right away he said Jarrko Ruutu which I immediately put towards yet another unbeaten season. Hansel asked him about Darcy and Avery said that he really, really hated to play against him. I suppose one difference is that Ruutu will shit disturb and then flee while Darcy will jaw with you and then break your orbital bones. So you just have to hate Ruutu. Plus he's got that weird Finnish squinty eyed grin thing he does which just makes you want to unload a carton of fists on him.

We did our thing, shook hands and parted forever. He went on to have an NHL anti-asshole rule named in honor of him, and I try and be funny on the internet. Who do you think is cooler now, huh?

Burke Says No. Leaf Fans Denied Media Circus

Sitting in his palatial bunker hundreds of feet below the surface of the Earth, Brian Burke ruined his saved his did something to his career yesterday by turning down the position of GM and President of your Toronto Maple Leafs. Or, as I call it: WHAT!!??

Ever the rule breaking iconoclast, Burke snapped shut a chapter in Leafs history before Gord Kirke snapped shut his cell phone. You can see a guy like Burke not want to be pigeon-holed, ever, but seriously Brian, have some consideration! How many identical Fabian Brunnstrom articles can the Toronto media write? I mean, obviously they'll write millions, but still!

We really should have seen this coming. As much as he may have wanted the job, it's just like that type of personality to look at the huddled throng waiting in line to touch the hem of his Leaf Blue garment, and give a hardy "Go fuck yourselves!" and leave it at that. With an ego like his, it's more gratifying to be so desperately desired, and then turn his nose up at the job, rather than take it and (ultimately) be fired. That way, he'll be our perfect savior f o r e v e r It's pretty genius actually.

Remember, it was WE who imagined him hungry for the job. It was WE who voraciously read between the lines when Burke uttered such juicily "ambiguous" morsels as:

"I love Anaheim. I love the Ducks. I love the Samueli's. I'm literally in love with them. I go to the beach in February. I have a contract with the beach. I am never leaving!"

A-ha! We all cried! Proof of his Leafs love! ACC here he comes!

So where do the Leafs go from here? Normally a cliche like "back to the drawing board" would apply, but as anyone whose been following the goings on of MLSE for any length of time knows, they don't have a drawing board of which to return.

Luckily I have this book that will help us. It's a terrific read, I highly recommend it! It's the exciting tale of three plucky teens, who, with the aid of their African guide, Umbuutu, help you navigate through lost cities guarded by armed rebels, and across bottomless mountain chasms in search of the most elusive of treasure: A good Leafs GM.

There are 36 possible endings to the story! Depending on how carefully you choose, you may find yourself in some of these situations:

• You help convince Wings Assistant GM Jim Nill that Steve Yzerman is a diamond smuggler who wants his job. You trick Stevie Y into giving his loot to an orphanage. Nill takes the Leafs job, rewarding you by trading up to get Steve Stamkos.
• You find yourself lost in the Pit of Souls where you come across Ron Hextall with his resume in his hand. You tell him he's too inexperienced, so he stabs you with a stalactite, killing you instantly.
• You come across a sign on a treacherously foggy mountain road that points to the right as the only safe route. You flip it over, so now it points left. Then a tour bus carrying Peddie, Tenenbaum and the Ontario teachers comes along and follows its directions. The bus plunges into a ravine presumably killing everyone on board. The Leafs win the Cup the next spring.
  
• You see Neil Smith approaching you on the sidewalk. You cross the street to avoid him.
• Howard Berger walks up to you at a party and wants to speak with you. You suddenly have to take a call on your cell for the next year and a half.

You see? A real page turner! I can't put it down! Recommended for ages 10 and up.

Moose Droppings

"Mr. Peddie, sock puppet on line two."


Earlier this week, Greener mused about what would happen if Brian Burke "dares turn down the position" as GM of "Canada's (worst) Team." Apparently the Toronto media, MLSE, and Greener double-dog-dared him, because word came down today that he's staying in Anaheim and negotiating a contract extension.

Leaf fans will no doubt be disappointed by the news, mainly because they've been seduced into thinking that Burke was the best candidate. The Toronto media, subscribing to the belief that the next GM must be a "star," merely plucked the name of the guy whose team last won the Stanley Cup, checked if he was from Ontario (or Rhode Island), and voila! There's your new GM. Burke has certainly run his mouth enough to make himself a "star" among the 30 fat men who sit in NHL press boxes on a nightly basis, but is he the best man for the job?

Looking at his career:

- Burke spent one year as GM in Hartford - that's the Whalers, not Wolfpack, for you youngins - where his most notable move was trading up on draft day to select Chris Pronger. He won nothing, but obviously wasn't there long enough to build his own team.

- Six years in Vancouver yielded a division title, some draft day finagling to grab the Sedin's, but also a team that won a single playoff round. He assembled a nice top line in Bertuzzi, Naslund, and Morrison, but also built a team that relied on Bertuzzi, Naslund, and Morrison.

- In Anaheim he took them helm of a team that was largely built by previous GM Bryan Murray (Getzlaf, Perry, etc)...and Kevin Lowe. He did sign Scott Niedermayer, but that wasn't so much shrewd dealing as it was dumb luck at finding Rob Niedermayer's name on his roster. Any idiot can fax a $6 million offer to an agent, just ask John Ferguson, Jr. Perhaps his best moves in Anaheim were taking a chance on a seemingly washed-up Teemu Selanne, and plucking Francois Beauchemin off the scrap heap in Columbus. That said, Burke grossly mismanaged his team this year, first by letting Niedermayer dictate his off-season plans. That foot dragging led directly to losing Dustin Penner, which he then tried to remedy by giving $4 million (the same money he said Penner wasn't worth) to his old buddy Todd Bertuzzi (14 goals). While Niedermayer debated whether grayer really is sexier, Burke signed Mathieu Schneider to replace him at nearly the same price. Then, upon Niedermayer's shocking return, he chose Schneider at the expense of his leading playoff scorer, Andy McDonald, even as the Ducks struggled to score goals all year.

Choosing a GM isn't like signing a free agent or making a trade. The skills and smarts needed to assemble a winning team are not things a fan or sports writer can see with the naked eye. There are plenty of worthy candidates out there and it's arguable as to whether Burke was ever the best one. My vote still goes to Dave Taylor.

Thoughts on Stanley

A thoroughly enjoying first round is in the books, and despite Greener's proclamation that the hockey season is over, I'm looking forward to the second round. I'm a hockey fan. Greener has spent the last few Springs doing double shots of schadenfreude, while trying to figure out where it all went wrong. The fact that R.J. Umberger would be playing on the Leafs first line might have something to do with it.

Sharks-Flames: Whenever someone poses the question "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" the answer is almost always "to be invisible." Joe Thornton is a lucky man, because someone granted him that wish. I won't go into my Thornton rant again, because his former GM (Harry Sinden), and an ex-assistant GM (Bill Watters) both said the same things I've been saying for three years, earlier this week. While Thornton wasn't his usual cowering-under-a-rock self in Game 7, the fact that the Sharks escaped on the back of Jeremy "medium rare" Roenick, tells you all you need to know. The West is so bad that any of the four remaining teams could realistically make it to the Finals. If Zubov makes it back, Dallas will beat San Jose.

Dion Phaneuf: Dude, play some defence. You're a defenceman...I mean it's right there in the title.

Mike Keenan: Hey 'Captain Hook', it was cute when your goalies were Greg Millen and Indianapolis Ice recall, Dominik Hasek. But when you pull your franchise goalie in favor of John McCain...er, I mean Curtis Joseph...a goal on the first shot is exactly what you deserve. It worked early in Game 3, but to do it in the middle of the 2nd period of Game 7? When your defencemen are standing around? That had the stench of panic. Call a timeout, don't play a hunch. Bad coaching - period.

Habs-Bruins: What Greener meant to say was: there's only one Canadian team STILL PLAYING. Despite having all the hallmarks of a team about to suffer a 3-1 collapse, Montreal showed a lot of bottle in rebounding to win Game 7 in a 5-0 romp. The youngest team in the playoffs was led by a great performance from Carey Price and the comeback of Saku Koivu. The Habs showed that speed and skill are still the stuff that breaks games, even in the playoffs. A couple of fantastic goals from Streit and Andrei Kostitsyn, and their fourth line (Begin, Smolinski, and Kotsopoulos) has been deserving of mention all series long.

Hopefully Greener will get some time away from his new job as the NHL's Director of Rah-Rah-Superstars to enjoy the second round. Do they still broadcast the games on AM radio? Because he won't be coming to my house.

Go Habs!

Lose/Lose

A guy not good enough to play for the Oilers put the final nail not only in the playoff hopes of the W. Capitals tonight, but also my waning interest in the Stanley Cup tourney in general. If not for Pittsburgh still in it I'd probably be in full "Who gives a shit" mode by now.

It's a shame for many reasons. One is that now instead of watching A. Ovechkin who is so fucking awesome that seeing him makes everyone in America want to play hockey, we get to watch R.J. Umberger. YES! The Um! The Berger! Just in case you don't know, he'll be #20.
With Washington out, that eliminates the NHL Dream Machine of the first of many Crosby/Ovechkin playoff matchups. What it puts in its place is a Montreal/Philadelphia contest which for me is like choosing between eating the bad chicken or eating the bad fish; no matter what happens, I am going to be sick about it.

I obviously detest the Flyers because, you know, I care about human life on this planet. And besides, a team which bases its community identity on how many of the oppositions players will be eating through a straw for the next month is not the feel good team of the year. On the other hand, a Montreal win will come back to haunt all of us in the near future because unlike Senators fans, Habs fans actually have a leg to stand on and can string several sentences together composed of polysyllabic words which don't end in *burp!*

I hate myself for saying this but, right now between those two, I have to go with Philadelphia. I wholesale reject all this "a Canadian team should win" bullshit. There is only one Canadian team, which happens to be Canada's team, and that is the Toronto Maple Leafs, and if you don't like that, you can fuck off and go read Scarlett Ice for the rest of the spring. I want the Flyers to win because if/when they meet the Penguins in the conference final, it will be interesting. And, according to stats I just made up, Crosby owns the Flyers and they'll be beaten. Another reason is that Moose is now on the Canadiens bandwagon seeing as how 20 years ago, him and his friend Y.T. latched onto them during the 86' Cup run because Y.T. pretended to be Patrick Roy while they shot tennis balls in his driveway at his sister. And they say hockey isn't thriving in America!

Ducks Eliminated. Toronto Media Licks Chops

An offer hasn't even been made to Brian "Mr. Brian Burke" Burke yet, and already I'm exhausted at the hype that has engulfed the prospect of his being Leafs GM. The pressure to write something, anything that falls upon followers of the Toronto Maple Leafs is pressure-filled and intense. And because of that, the number of those who do it well is so incredibly rare that if you were to cut it open, it would be pink inside.

With the news of Burke's teams first round ass-kicking, (from here on to perpetuity known as "Pulling a Senators"), the T.O. press have been handed early their headlines for the spring.
The Toronto media, seen here already bloated on the bleached bones of the story, get to be even more lazy on this one, as its been handed to them on a silver platter. Cox and Co. now get to sit around for the next two months and write the same article over and over about Burke, the menage a trois he's got going with Henry and Susan Samueli and how his wife wants to get back into Canadian broadcasting (which is centered in Toronto). After all that, they compose the same list of also-rans if Burke dares turn down the position: Jim Rutherford, Colin Campbell, Jim Nill et al. Have we not all been reading this article since the Fletcher semi-hiring? Well guess what my friends? We're going to be reading it a lot more. The wretched Howard Berger wrote it twice this week alone, on, you know, that website. Berger has also taken to referring to what he writes on there as "this corner", a cutesy, self important phrase he made up one day while snoozing through his column.

The only point worth noting is that MLSE will completely fuck up these proceedings, and we all know it. Creeps Peddie and Tennenbaum will passive-aggressive the negotiations with Burke, ruining the deal. Burke will seek complete and unfettered control over the Leafs, and Peddie and Tennenbaum will no sooner give him that than they will donate money to the poor, and you know that isn't happening.

Maybe I'm being too cynical, and things will go more smoothly than expected. I doubt it though. We know the true character of these two men. The thought of not having a whipping boy at the ACC will turn Richard and Larry's stomach's. After their meeting, Burke will rightly refuse to shake hands with them, and Peddie will call Burke "fatso" causing him to leave. This will allow them to hire their first choice: a sock puppet with a fish in its mouth on the hand of a girl whom the board insists "will grow into the job."

CHOKED

Hey, it's Greener. Tonight I discovered that inanimate objects obviously feel intense joy, as my computer has taken its own life because of the Penguins first round sweep of the Senators. It obviously felt it couldn't experience anything greater in existence, and decided to