Kovalev Leaves Habs. Cuts Off Nose, Spites Face

When news that Alex Kovalev had been booted from the Lollipop Guild Montreal Canadiens reached me at the charity I do wonderful un-publicized work for, the first thing that struck me was, "Hey, keep it down, I'm operating!" The second, was, "Awesome! Now I get to write a post ripping a team other than the Ottawa Senators!" Ah, silly. Why are the beautiful ones always so dumb?

Ignoring the obvious fact that Kovalev signed with Ottawa merely to get a chance to stick it to Bob Gainey and the rotten-hearted Kostitsyn brothers 10 times a year, lets just say that the Senators' hubris has reared its ugly, scarlett head, and once again, Ottawa gets the type of player it so richly deserves: Lazy, self-entitled, and, whenever they feel like it, prone to taking a couple months off. Months like January and March.

In spite of this, some Habs fans actually wanted to see Kovalev stay in Montreal, if only because he was the only member of their team who could reach the overhead compartment on the team bus. And amazingly, a hundred of them gathered at the Bell Center to show their support for the cause. I say amazing because this is the first time in history 100 Habs fans have gotten together without flipping over and burning a cop car.

But the real victims in a situation like this- the ones who will suffer the most from Kovalev leaving Montreal- are of course, the cities' stripper population. As the Bell Center rally was taking place, all over St. Catherines st. candlelight vigils were being held, at places like the Maison du Sexe. The strippers there, colloquially known as "Montreal's Other Smoked Meat", are devastated, as they know that Kovalev's absence means their earnings are projected to go down 12,000 percent.

Maison dancer Sylvie St. Germain* was quoted as saying:

"Dat Kovi, huh? He come in da one time wit Enrique Eglasias. Oooh we pardy-hardy dat nights! And da best part was, dey only hit me once! He will be miss."

* Not her real name