Wednesday, April 30

Avery Seriously Ill. Euthanasia Debate Ends

With a single body check, Sean Avery found a way to stay in the press well after the Rangers are eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs. The crafty devil. That bastion of journalistic integrity, The New York Daily News, had Avery in cardiac arrest at 3 am after the game, with "someone" finding him at the last minute, saving his Canadian bacon. Untrue. Avery's injury happened sometime during the game, and he was fairly ineffective thereafter because of the serious pain he was in. Immediately following the game, he went to a New York hospital under his own steam.

The medical community is under fire this morning as the public asks, "What is a doctors place?" and "Should a doctor always save a life? Euthanasia advocates were the go-to guests on all the news networks as hoards of pro assisted-suicide protesters clashed with police outside of Avery's hospital.

"Let Sean do the right thing!" The crowds chanted. Adding, "Let him go the way he played hockey: with dignity!"

That sentiment is not only being heard in New York, Pittsburgh, and Martin Brodeur's house, its also gone international. A CNN/Time Magazine poll released this morning shows where support for euthanasia is highest. With this, world leaders, hospital administrators and Gary Bettman, today will not be able to look away at the plight of #16.

The Toronto Maple Leafs: Omnipresence

As I struggle to give a shit... wait, sorry. I'll start again. As I stay glued to the playoffs even though the Leafs aren't involved, my beloved ones are never far from my mind. Like in yesterdays post I wondered aloud what difference Sundin would be making on a Canadiens squad which desperately needs a man around the house. Watching the Pens/Rangers series, if you can call it that, I'm enjoying watching Hal Gill a lot, because, what do I care if he makes a mistake? (Please Note: 1) I do care a little as I want the Rangers out of it, home, and in bed by Friday. And 2) Hal's just not making that many mistakes.)

I'm also buoyed by the news that roughly 2/3 's of the nominees for the Hart this year were linemates with our very own Nikolai Kulemin. At the World Championships in 2006, Ovechkin, Malkin and Kulemin played on the same line, and Kulemin and Malkin were paired together when Malkin played for Magnitogorsk Metallurg in the Blorska Nofski Jorkavet. This wasn't one of those Sundin and Jonas Hoglund deals, either. Metallurg coach Dave King gave a mighty two thumbs up to Niki, saying, when asked about the two:

"All of a sudden, he shows he can make a lot of plays. The play didn't stop with him, he made the next play. Suddenly, Malkin was on a tear, the line was a real plus line and, really, the key element was Nikolai Kulemin."
"He's a two-way hockey player. He's got the ability to add to your offence. He can make good plays, he can also score. Beyond that, what really impressed me, was his defensive anticipation. His ability to read the game defensively and make the right play."
Well hooray for us. So taking it a step further, if Ovechkin is like Bure and Malkin is like Mogilny, then by King's description, Kulemin is...Federov? Holy shit! We drafted Federov! And not Fedor, either! The good brother! AWESOME!


In other news, the Penguins of Pittsburgh are making a laughingstock out of their opponents by now going 7-0 in the post season. In a weird post-loss scrum, Jaromir Jagr responded to the pressure the Pens are putting on him by threatening to quit and by growing a Hitler moustache.
This is the real picture. I didn't touch his face up. I mean, Jaro, we all face stress in our lives. Sometimes the store runs out of that wine I like to serve to all the ladies, and I'm like, "Noo-ooo!" But I kinda, get over it. I don't...You do all see that Jaromir Jagr has a Hitler moustache, right? This isn't one of those things I want to be on my own about. Right! Right?

Monday, April 28

Carey Price: Let's Not Get The Crown Out Too Early

A head to head matchup yesterday as teams from two cities battled it out to see who could have the most classless fans in the NHL. Who are our contestants? (Ooooo, I'm so nervous!)

In THIS corner, the fans who boo O'Canada - because if any country deserves a good booing, it's Canada - The fans who chant pro American slogans in support of one of their players [a Canadian] yes, it's the fans of the Philadelphia "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" Flyers. Aaaaand in THAT corner, the fans who pointlessly started the anthem boo war, the fans who boo francophone's who dare play somewhere else, the fans who, when they say you have a hot car, literally mean that you have a hot car, the supporters of the Montreal "I Fought The Law" Canadiens!

Traditionally its taken a lot to outdo the animals who populate the tundra that is the Philadelphia sports scene, but somehow a pocket of Habs fans take it on this one. It'll be very interesting to see how they respond once they get back to Montreal. They have a real opportunity to show everyone up and be all awesome and cheer the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and not go nuts and loot the nearest La Cage aux Sport, but, you know, you just gotta earn that trust.

As for the game, Patrick Roy Carey Price was beyond awful and was chased from the net after a second period where he looked like a scared 20 year-old with the hopes and dreams of a natio... sorry, a small group of Quebecois and Moose riding on his shoulders. I don't know which of those goals he looked worst on, maybe the Richards, maybe the Umberger (I told you about Umberger, didn't I), which he just looked at helplessly as the game winner just sailed by him. This came about from a terrific Flyer forecheck where the Habs fucked around in their own end looking as weak as their goalie. The opposite of all this being Quebec native son Martin Biron who looked great and brilliantly murdered Saku Koivu on the breakaway. Biron looked like he was playing playoff hockey, Price did not. You just know that as we speak, thousands of Pennsylvanians with the ability to photoshop are making up pictures of Price with a beach ball behind him.
Lastly, I don't know about the rest of you, but in that second period, it occured to me to wonder what would be happening on the ice if Sundin had allowed the trade of himself for Higgins + a 1,2 and 3. How differently would the Habs look with Sundin's everything just playing with the puck down low. I mean, who gives a shit, but I did think about it.

Sunday, April 27

Can We Get Hal Gill Back?

While being forced to endure Leafs/Bruins games a few years ago, I was always annoyed by Hal Gill because he was effective against Toronto and because I felt he was basically the poor man's Zdeno Chara. And since I hated the rich man's Zdeno Chara, Zdeno Chara, Hal Gill was doomed to me by mere association. Once lucky/smart enough to sign with the Leafs, my appreciation severely increased, as he was one of Toronto's more reliable players.

Fast forward to April 2008, and Hal Gill has been lucky/smart enough to be traded from Toronto to a great Pittsburgh team headed by Sidney "Down She Goes" Crosby. A perfect match-up in playing the Rangers as Gill is always good in shut-down mode against Yammy Yager and now he's been given the following assignment: Sean Avery...Target With Extreme Prejudice. Or some other movie sample I got from an industrial music record 15 years ago.

So at the end of the game, as Avery was doing what he does best- be incredibly effective -Hal Gill did what he was supposed to do, and kinda fought Sean Avery. I say kinda because he threw down his gloves and actually looked intent on getting it on with Avery before the official charged in and saved Gill's life.

The point I'm making is that I absolutely love that kind of hockey playing and I especially like it when it comes dressed in blue and white with a crest in the chest that carries a certain mapley motif. Where all that jam was when Gill was regularly dressed in said sweater with matching pants is uncertain. At the very least both the Leafs and the Pens seem to have gotten something out of the trade, as the Leafs got a couple of picks including a second in a good draft year.

Speaking of Sean Avery, I am now going to mention something I prophesied I would tell in the very first HS/HS post, written on August 6th of last year. It was when I, yes, I, ran into Sean Avery! I know, I can't stand me either!

I was in a club here in L.A. called TOKIO, a place which is described as " to Hollywood's most discerning and hip crowd..." which is clearly a lie seeing as how I was there. I remember the night well because I had on a really nice jacket and I ran into my friend Hansel who is a huge Avalanche fan and wears shirts with "FOPPA" written on them which I think is dumb, but whatever. Hansel's a great guy and he knows his hockey and we were having a great conversation about it, just trying to ignore the wall-to-wall hot Asian chicks everywhere in the bar. Like sheesh! Can't a guy get some peace sometimes?!?

So we're yapping away and directly across from me I see a woman I really, really wanted to have sex with in 1990 by the name of Rachel Hunter. The old bag still looks pretty good, and awwwwwe, isn't that sweet? She brought her little brother with her! Cute little guy, he doesn't look too happy though, must be past his bedtime. Oh, ah, no, it's her boyfriend, Sean Avery.

Hansel and I then debate for a minute whether or not it was him. I said it was though Hansel wasn't so sure. I knew it was because I am NEVER wrong about those things, and when you're never wrong about those things, you're never wrong. We wanted to go up and talk to him to prove it but we had to think of something to say first because I would NEVER want Sean Avery to think that we were star-fucking, or even worse, fans of his, so we decided to ask him what player he hated the most in the NHL. Hansel said it was for sure going to be Darcy Tucker which I thought was a little obvious. I went the road less traveled and said Jarrko Ruutu. I thought Ruutu because besides being one of the biggest assholes in Earth's history, Ruutu (then with the Canucks) would've had the opportunity to go against Avery (then with the Kings) 1000 times a year, therefore inflaming the hate.

We went up to him and said hi. He was actually cool and I think enjoyed that we talked to him about hockey and not his girlfriend. We asked him the question and right away he said Jarrko Ruutu which I immediately put towards yet another unbeaten season. Hansel asked him about Darcy and Avery said that he really, really hated to play against him. I suppose one difference is that Ruutu will shit disturb and then flee while Darcy will jaw with you and then break your orbital bones. So you just have to hate Ruutu. Plus he's got that weird Finnish squinty eyed grin thing he does which just makes you want to unload a carton of fists on him.

We did our thing, shook hands and parted forever. He went on to have an NHL anti-asshole rule named in honor of him, and I try and be funny on the internet. Who do you think is cooler now, huh?

Wednesday, April 23

Burke Says No. Leaf Fans Denied Media Circus

Sitting in his palatial bunker hundreds of feet below the surface of the Earth, Brian Burke ruined his saved his did something to his career yesterday by turning down the position of GM and President of your Toronto Maple Leafs. Or, as I call it: WHAT!!??

Ever the rule breaking iconoclast, Burke snapped shut a chapter in Leafs history before Gord Kirke snapped shut his cell phone. You can see a guy like Burke not want to be pigeon-holed, ever, but seriously Brian, have some consideration! How many identical Fabian Brunnstrom articles can the Toronto media write? I mean, obviously they'll write millions, but still!

We really should have seen this coming. As much as he may have wanted the job, it's just like that type of personality to look at the huddled throng waiting in line to touch the hem of his Leaf Blue garment, and give a hardy "Go fuck yourselves!" and leave it at that. With an ego like his, it's more gratifying to be so desperately desired, and then turn his nose up at the job, rather than take it and (ultimately) be fired. That way, he'll be our perfect savior f o r e v e r It's pretty genius actually.

Remember, it was WE who imagined him hungry for the job. It was WE who voraciously read between the lines when Burke uttered such juicily "ambiguous" morsels as:

"I love Anaheim. I love the Ducks. I love the Samueli's. I'm literally in love with them. I go to the beach in February. I have a contract with the beach. I am never leaving!"

A-ha! We all cried! Proof of his Leafs love! ACC here he comes!

So where do the Leafs go from here? Normally a cliche like "back to the drawing board" would apply, but as anyone whose been following the goings on of MLSE for any length of time knows, they don't have a drawing board of which to return.

Luckily I have this book that will help us. It's a terrific read, I highly recommend it! It's the exciting tale of three plucky teens, who, with the aid of their African guide, Umbuutu, help you navigate through lost cities guarded by armed rebels, and across bottomless mountain chasms in search of the most elusive of treasure: A good Leafs GM.

There are 36 possible endings to the story! Depending on how carefully you choose, you may find yourself in some of these situations:

  • You help convince Wings Assistant GM Jim Nill that Steve Yzerman is a diamond smuggler who wants his job. You trick Stevie Y into giving his loot to an orphanage. Nill takes the Leafs job, rewarding you by trading up to get Steve Stamkos.
  • You find yourself lost in the Pit of Souls where you come across Ron Hextall with his resume in his hand. You tell him he's too inexperienced, so he stabs you with a stalactite, killing you instantly.
  • You come across a sign on a treacherously foggy mountain road that points to the right as the only safe route. You flip it over, so now it points left. Then a tour bus carrying Peddie, Tenenbaum and the Ontario teachers comes along and follows its directions. The bus plunges into a ravine presumably killing everyone on board. The Leafs win the Cup the next spring.
  • You see Neil Smith approaching you on the sidewalk. You cross the street to avoid him.
  • Howard Berger walks up to you at a party and wants to speak with you. You suddenly have to take a call on your cell for the next year and a half.
You see? A real page turner! I can't put it down! Recommended for ages 10 and up.

Moose Droppings

"Mr. Peddie, sock puppet on line two."

Earlier this week, Greener mused about what would happen if Brian Burke "dares turn down the position" as GM of "Canada's (worst) Team." Apparently the Toronto media, MLSE, and Greener double-dog-dared him, because word came down today that he's staying in Anaheim and negotiating a contract extension.

Leaf fans will no doubt be disappointed by the news, mainly because they've been seduced into thinking that Burke was the best candidate. The Toronto media, subscribing to the belief that the next GM must be a "star," merely plucked the name of the guy whose team last won the Stanley Cup, checked if he was from Ontario (or Rhode Island), and voila! There's your new GM. Burke has certainly run his mouth enough to make himself a "star" among the 30 fat men who sit in NHL press boxes on a nightly basis, but is he the best man for the job?

Looking at his career:

- Burke spent one year as GM in Hartford - that's the Whalers, not Wolfpack, for you youngins - where his most notable move was trading up on draft day to select Chris Pronger. He won nothing, but obviously wasn't there long enough to build his own team.

- Six years in Vancouver yielded a division title, some draft day finagling to grab the Sedin's, but also a team that won a single playoff round. He assembled a nice top line in Bertuzzi, Naslund, and Morrison, but also built a team that relied on Bertuzzi, Naslund, and Morrison.

- In Anaheim he took them helm of a team that was largely built by previous GM Bryan Murray (Getzlaf, Perry, etc)...and Kevin Lowe. He did sign Scott Niedermayer, but that wasn't so much shrewd dealing as it was dumb luck at finding Rob Niedermayer's name on his roster. Any idiot can fax a $6 million offer to an agent, just ask John Ferguson, Jr. Perhaps his best moves in Anaheim were taking a chance on a seemingly washed-up Teemu Selanne, and plucking Francois Beauchemin off the scrap heap in Columbus. That said, Burke grossly mismanaged his team this year, first by letting Niedermayer dictate his off-season plans. That foot dragging led directly to losing Dustin Penner, which he then tried to remedy by giving $4 million (the same money he said Penner wasn't worth) to his old buddy Todd Bertuzzi (14 goals). While Niedermayer debated whether grayer really is sexier, Burke signed Mathieu Schneider to replace him at nearly the same price. Then, upon Niedermayer's shocking return, he chose Schneider at the expense of his leading playoff scorer, Andy McDonald, even as the Ducks struggled to score goals all year.

Choosing a GM isn't like signing a free agent or making a trade. The skills and smarts needed to assemble a winning team are not things a fan or sports writer can see with the naked eye. There are plenty of worthy candidates out there and it's arguable as to whether Burke was ever the best one. My vote still goes to Dave Taylor.

Thoughts on Stanley

A thoroughly enjoying first round is in the books, and despite Greener's proclamation that the hockey season is over, I'm looking forward to the second round. I'm a hockey fan. Greener has spent the last few Springs doing double shots of schadenfreude, while trying to figure out where it all went wrong. The fact that R.J. Umberger would be playing on the Leafs first line might have something to do with it.

Sharks-Flames: Whenever someone poses the question "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" the answer is almost always "to be invisible." Joe Thornton is a lucky man, because someone granted him that wish. I won't go into my Thornton rant again, because his former GM (Harry Sinden), and an ex-assistant GM (Bill Watters) both said the same things I've been saying for three years, earlier this week. While Thornton wasn't his usual cowering-under-a-rock self in Game 7, the fact that the Sharks escaped on the back of Jeremy "medium rare" Roenick, tells you all you need to know. The West is so bad that any of the four remaining teams could realistically make it to the Finals. If Zubov makes it back, Dallas will beat San Jose.

Dion Phaneuf: Dude, play some defence. You're a defenceman...I mean it's right there in the title.

Mike Keenan: Hey 'Captain Hook', it was cute when your goalies were Greg Millen and Indianapolis Ice recall, Dominik Hasek. But when you pull your franchise goalie in favor of John, I mean Curtis Joseph...a goal on the first shot is exactly what you deserve. It worked early in Game 3, but to do it in the middle of the 2nd period of Game 7? When your defencemen are standing around? That had the stench of panic. Call a timeout, don't play a hunch. Bad coaching - period.

Habs-Bruins: What Greener meant to say was: there's only one Canadian team STILL PLAYING. Despite having all the hallmarks of a team about to suffer a 3-1 collapse, Montreal showed a lot of bottle in rebounding to win Game 7 in a 5-0 romp. The youngest team in the playoffs was led by a great performance from Carey Price and the comeback of Saku Koivu. The Habs showed that speed and skill are still the stuff that breaks games, even in the playoffs. A couple of fantastic goals from Streit and Andrei Kostitsyn, and their fourth line (Begin, Smolinski, and Kotsopoulos) has been deserving of mention all series long.

Hopefully Greener will get some time away from his new job as the NHL's Director of Rah-Rah-Superstars to enjoy the second round. Do they still broadcast the games on AM radio? Because he won't be coming to my house.

Go Habs!

Tuesday, April 22


A guy not good enough to play for the Oilers put the final nail not only in the playoff hopes of the W. Capitals tonight, but also my waning interest in the Stanley Cup tourney in general. If not for Pittsburgh still in it I'd probably be in full "Who gives a shit" mode by now.

It's a shame for many reasons. One is that now instead of watching A. Ovechkin who is so fucking awesome that seeing him makes everyone in America want to play hockey, we get to watch R.J. Umberger. YES! The Um! The Berger! Just in case you don't know, he'll be #20.
With Washington out, that eliminates the NHL Dream Machine of the first of many Crosby/Ovechkin playoff matchups. What it puts in its place is a Montreal/Philadelphia contest which for me is like choosing between eating the bad chicken or eating the bad fish; no matter what happens, I am going to be sick about it.

I obviously detest the Flyers because, you know, I care about human life on this planet. And besides, a team which bases its community identity on how many of the oppositions players will be eating through a straw for the next month is not the feel good team of the year. On the other hand, a Montreal win will come back to haunt all of us in the near future because unlike Senators fans, Habs fans actually have a leg to stand on and can string several sentences together composed of polysyllabic words which don't end in *burp!*

I hate myself for saying this but, right now between those two, I have to go with Philadelphia. I wholesale reject all this "a Canadian team should win" bullshit. There is only one Canadian team, which happens to be Canada's team, and that is the Toronto Maple Leafs, and if you don't like that, you can fuck off and go read Scarlett Ice for the rest of the spring. I want the Flyers to win because if/when they meet the Penguins in the conference final, it will be interesting. And, according to stats I just made up, Crosby owns the Flyers and they'll be beaten. Another reason is that Moose is now on the Canadiens bandwagon seeing as how 20 years ago, him and his friend Y.T. latched onto them during the 86' Cup run because Y.T. pretended to be Patrick Roy while they shot tennis balls in his driveway at his sister. And they say hockey isn't thriving in America!

Sunday, April 20

Ducks Eliminated. Toronto Media Licks Chops

An offer hasn't even been made to Brian "Mr. Brian Burke" Burke yet, and already I'm exhausted at the hype that has engulfed the prospect of his being Leafs GM. The pressure to write something, anything that falls upon followers of the Toronto Maple Leafs is pressure-filled and intense. And because of that, the number of those who do it well is so incredibly rare that if you were to cut it open, it would be pink inside.

With the news of Burke's teams first round ass-kicking, (from here on to perpetuity known as "Pulling a Senators"), the T.O. press have been handed early their headlines for the spring.
The Toronto media, seen here already bloated on the bleached bones of the story, get to be even more lazy on this one, as its been handed to them on a silver platter. Cox and Co. now get to sit around for the next two months and write the same article over and over about Burke, the menage a trois he's got going with Henry and Susan Samueli and how his wife wants to get back into Canadian broadcasting (which is centered in Toronto). After all that, they compose the same list of also-rans if Burke dares turn down the position: Jim Rutherford, Colin Campbell, Jim Nill et al. Have we not all been reading this article since the Fletcher semi-hiring? Well guess what my friends? We're going to be reading it a lot more. The wretched Howard Berger wrote it twice this week alone, on, you know, that website. Berger has also taken to referring to what he writes on there as "this corner", a cutesy, self important phrase he made up one day while snoozing through his column.

The only point worth noting is that MLSE will completely fuck up these proceedings, and we all know it. Creeps Peddie and Tennenbaum will passive-aggressive the negotiations with Burke, ruining the deal. Burke will seek complete and unfettered control over the Leafs, and Peddie and Tennenbaum will no sooner give him that than they will donate money to the poor, and you know that isn't happening.

Maybe I'm being too cynical, and things will go more smoothly than expected. I doubt it though. We know the true character of these two men. The thought of not having a whipping boy at the ACC will turn Richard and Larry's stomach's. After their meeting, Burke will rightly refuse to shake hands with them, and Peddie will call Burke "fatso" causing him to leave. This will allow them to hire their first choice: a sock puppet with a fish in its mouth on the hand of a girl whom the board insists "will grow into the job."

Thursday, April 17


Hey, it's Greener. Tonight I discovered that inanimate objects obviously feel intense joy, as my computer has taken its own life because of the Penguins first round sweep of the Senators. It obviously felt it couldn't experience anything greater in existence, and decided to go out on top. I however, feel there is something else wonderful in life to look forward to: Next years Senator collapse, but one joyous occasion at a time. Moose is putting these up for me, because that's just the kind of frie...person he is. Savor these moments my friends. We deserve them.

Monday, April 14


I prepared myself for watching an Ottawa Senators home game tonight by pre-purging my stomach of it's contents; it just saves me the time and energy cleaning up while watching everything that goes on in that (soon to be deserted) building.
After the pre-game show, which I spent wondering why the hell Ron MacLean was awkwardly holding a bottle of water, Ron threw it over to that pig-pen in Kanata. Just then the Ottawa crowd starts going crazy with a standing ovation. Me, I thought they must've just announced that it was Free Deep-Fried Cookie Dough Night, but no, it was something even worse. The fans were cheering for the now even stupider Daniel Alfredsson, whose brave return to the ice tells you two things: 1. That the Senators diapers are completely full and they know it, and 2. That Alfredsson is one boards bump away from eating his Meusli in pablum form for the rest of his life. Let's put it this way: When a reporter asked Alfredsson how he felt to be back in the game, he replied "It's 11:30."

But wait. Before the NHL playoffs continue, the Senators organization puts on the most unintentionally homo-erotic thing I've seen since Washingtron's acting reel. It's the stupidest thing that team has done since putting up a classless yet insanely reversely motivating banner in the visitors hallway. When was that again? Oh yeah, yesterday.
See, here's the thing: Canadians don't really know how to "put on a big show". It's not in our genes...or in our Genies or Junos or CASBY's. Every time we try to do something big and produced (read: American), it comes out looking quaint and provincial. Every time the Ottawa Senators try, it comes out howlingly ridiculous and absurd (read: their Stanley Cup dreams).

During the actual game I noticed that great teammate Martin Gerber paid tribute to fallen Senator Mike Fisher by picking up where Fisher left off from last years playoffs by diving like a bitch when bumped by an opposing player. Diving is one thing, but diving in the playoffs is some of the worst shit I've seen. So in this case, A (Mike Fisher) + B (Martin Gerber) = C (No One Respects the Ottawa Senators). What a surprise that all of Canada wants them to lose...AGAIN.

A fantastic Penguin win, ironically made all the better because Gary Roberts couldn't play and they still dominated. Crosby is scoring now, and the Senator answer for him is...Nick Foligno? Better start preparing next years banner.

Sunday, April 13

Run Around You

I'm trying to quell the disappointment of Montreal's OT loss tonight by watching the first period of the Calgary - San Jose game. Three minutes in, consider it quelled courtesy of a 3-0 Sharks lead, and a vintage Dion Phaneuf performance. The NHL's most overrated defencemen has been on the ice for every goal. Phaneuf (seen here during San Jose's 2nd goal) is fucking clueless in his own zone, unless of course he's skating 30 feet out of position to put someones face through the signage, in which case "HE'S A MONSTER!" Tonight, Patrick Marleau has been the intended target on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, while Dion was standing around admiring his manly work, Marleau decided to go to the net and score a goal.

I know Mike Keenan is the man most often given credit for the development of Chris Pronger, so perhaps under Iron Mike's tutelage, Dion can develop into a solid #3 or #4 defender.

Actually, I must give full credit to Patrick Marleau tonight. He has been absolutely annihilated a couple times and keeps getting up, despite blood streaming from every orifice of his body. The Leafs could have used that kind of leadership.

Having said that, I fully expect the NHL's 2nd most gutless team to choke on their three goal lead and go meekly into the playoff night.

EDIT: 3-2 Sharks in the 2nd period. It's only a matter of time...

Friday, April 11

Nevermind, I got it!

So imagine this: It's February 16th, and I'm getting ready to write another of my "Post of the Year" candidates, and I can't remember my password! Crazy, right? And totally true. So, to make things easier I just changed it to the same one I use for all my other accounts: RamziAbid_MVP.

Needless to say that Greener, Norte, and that guy who hacks into the site to write crazy Oilers shit, have raised the standard of excellence while I've been gone. I can only hope that "this post is likeable," just like Greener's. It's one thing to get quoted on a nationally recognized blog, but when 'Fragmentadora de Papel' brings that kind of spamlove in the comments section, it's time to start dropping "Hot Dog on a Stick" off the bottom of the resume. I mean seriously, Greener.

A Crystal Ball for an Eight Ball?

I was looking back on my pre-season predictions last night, and I see where I went wrong. I assumed that all NHL teams like to win hockey games. Turns out that's not entirely true. I'm talking to YOU Dean Lombardi. How about getting a goaltender? Not that it's an easy task in Los Angeles. I mean is there a greater source of career suicide than playing goal for the L.A. Kings? How do you think Jonathan Bernier feels when he hears that he's their "goalie of the future?" Fuck, Leonard Nimoy is still "In Search Of" Roman Cechmanek. Unfortunately, he won't find him because he's probably buried beneath Jamie Storr's sarcophagus. But whatever, thanks for Mathieu Garon.

In the wake of Jacques Martin stepping down as coach of the Florida Panthers, I think it's fair to say the considerable pressure that comes with my endorsement is too much to handle for some. Therefore, I'm not gonna saddle any of these playoff teams with that burden. But I must say, I think the Calgary Flames have a HUGE shot to go all the way. I'm just saying.

Did I Say Playoffs?

I have to admit, I'm enjoying the first few days of the playoffs a lot more than I thought I would, given that the Oilers are not involved. Perhaps it's the fact that the season ended on such a positive note for the Oil, or perhaps it's just enjoying watching great games with nothing emotionally invested. Some thoughts after Day #3:

- Owing to my family roots, Montreal is now my rooting interest and they came out like gangbusters against Boston on Thursday night. Boston tried to take it to them physically right off the drop, but about 90 seconds into the game they figured out that they are really slow. Hence the 0-8 record against the Habs this year. Scoring first against the Bruins is always key, as it prevents Claude Julien's Vulcan army from rendering hockey games lifeless.

- "Our guyths thowed a lot of guths, tonight." I believe that's a direct quote from Bryan Murray after Game 2 of the Pittsburgh-Ottawa series. They sure did. Down 3-0, in a hostile building, against a young, hungry team. Then they choked on, and threw-up those very same guts all over the ice with a minute to go in the game. This could have been a turning point for the Sens. Think about it: An injury-riddled team coming back from 3 goals down, Gerber turning back 50 shots, and then getting a split on the road? Instead they face a huge climb to get back in the series and you have to wonder if there is any temptation to risk Alfredsson earlier than they wanted to. Unfortunately, due to the nature of his injury (concussion) it's probably something only time can heal...or cheese fries.

- There's no series less worthy of my time than Calgary - San Jose. A titanic struggle to see which team has a gossamer thin layer of extra gutlessness. Throw in two of the most overrated coaches in the NHL locking horns, and it has all the drama of game of Connect Four. Your move Keenan...


If you've followed HS,HS from its inception, you know that we're big Petr Klima fans. Legend. Come playoff time, visions of Klima can't help but dance in your head. Game 1 in Boston...Triple Overtime...Stanley Cup Finals. Any of that get you horny? Tissue, Washingtron? Near as I can tell, Petr is now coaching youth hockey in Michigan, and you really can't ask for much more in a role model than Petr Klima, can you? So at this magical time of year, I thought it would be nice to post a little something about Petr. A peek inside the man behind the DUI's:

Here he is, 'doggin it' like always...

...and here's our hero, totally about to nail this chick by the fireplace after breaking into an empty house...

Happy Playoffs, everyone!

Wednesday, April 9

No, I Take The Last Post Back: I Love The Pittsburgh Penguins!

Ecstasy in the Greener tee-pee tonight as Most Macho Man Ever Gary Roberts continues his career long Hulk Smash routine against the Senators in Pittsburgh. With a dream-like score of 4-0, this is the 5th time in 11 playoff years the Senators have been shut out in game 1. Coincidentally, this marks the 11th time in 11 playoff years that Ottawa has iced a team of gutless, lazy assholes, so, there's that.

Roberts, seen here as he appears on my bedsheets, has 32 career playoff goals. 14 of those are against the Senators in what can only be described as something that makes Daniel Alfredsson turn into a despised little bitch. No, wait, that's what hockey does, my mistake.
Watching the man who dominates him and his team like a master to his dog, Alfredsson viewed the game from the press box and tried to make Senators owner Eugene Melnyk laugh by tripping the girl bringing them their drinks. Melnyk shook his head in disgust and tried to think of who deserves the Senators 'C' after he strips it from Alfredsson. While no one on the actual team deserves it either, Melnyk's leading candidate remains that retarded guy who grabs the sticks for the Oilers.

In other game news, Wade "I Should Have Let Them Trade Me" Redden enjoyed the succulent bouquet of having his head kicked in by Ryan Whitney in what can only be summed up by saying, "Awesome!" I actually believe that Whitney denied the Senators more embarrassment by stopping Crosby from beating Redden, thereby allowing Crosby to win something other than Canadian Sportsman of the Year. And the disappointments continue to rack up for poor Sid.

Game 2 on Friday. Crosby: 2 goals, Alfredsson: sends Mark Bell a thank-you note.

Friday, April 4

I Take It All Back: I Love The Boston Bruins!

The Ottawa Senators took some well deserved time away from eating dog shit for a living to beat the Leafs tonight and all I can think of is one thing: Claude Julien, you and your hockey-ruining team will go out Friday night and cause the Senators to fall asleep just long enough for you and your mongoloid Captain to go motherfucking Richard Zednick on their collective ass. I'm speaking metaphorically, of course...or am I?

I'm a very peaceful guy. I've only kicked the living shit out of a few people in my adult life, surprisingly none of them named Moose, but when I see those fuckers running around our ice playing "big boys", my blood begins to boil. Dany "I Talk Tough To Tucker In The Box But When We're In A Scrum I'm Running Away" Heatley drew one of those cards tonight. I guess he has to do something now because IF the Senators make the playoffs, he's sure going to be busy being invisible. I mean, why break the habit of a lifetime, right?

Bell's murderous hit on Alfredsson, or as I call it, "The best thing I've seen all season", was made all the sweeter by the fact that it was clean. Even the rotten Ottawa bench couldn't deny that. Bell had his elbows as low as elbows can go, and Alfredsson was just admiring his shot. The thing is, I think it set the Leafs off the game. It raised the temperatures too much and the Leafs just forgot about hockey. I mean, when Darcy Tucker is your acting captain, cooler heads are not going to prevail. The hit and the subsequent fighting caused the Leafs to obsess about beating Ottawa, instead of winning the hockey game. Kind of like in '98 in Nagano when Team Canada's only focus was to mete revenge for the '96 loss to Team USA. They put everything into that, and had nothing left for the rest of the tourney. Oh yeah, that AND Canada coach Marc Crawford put Ray Bourque in the shootout against the Czechs instead of Wayne Gretzky, the greatest goal scorer in hockey history. I'm just saying.

So tomorrow night The Passion That Unites Us All will be for the Boston Bruins to beat Ottawa who have one game less to play. The now in 8th Capitals play Florida on Saturday. Bruins to play Buffalo. Lets go people! Dare to dream!