Wednesday, April 23

Burke Says No. Leaf Fans Denied Media Circus

Sitting in his palatial bunker hundreds of feet below the surface of the Earth, Brian Burke ruined his saved his did something to his career yesterday by turning down the position of GM and President of your Toronto Maple Leafs. Or, as I call it: WHAT!!??

Ever the rule breaking iconoclast, Burke snapped shut a chapter in Leafs history before Gord Kirke snapped shut his cell phone. You can see a guy like Burke not want to be pigeon-holed, ever, but seriously Brian, have some consideration! How many identical Fabian Brunnstrom articles can the Toronto media write? I mean, obviously they'll write millions, but still!

We really should have seen this coming. As much as he may have wanted the job, it's just like that type of personality to look at the huddled throng waiting in line to touch the hem of his Leaf Blue garment, and give a hardy "Go fuck yourselves!" and leave it at that. With an ego like his, it's more gratifying to be so desperately desired, and then turn his nose up at the job, rather than take it and (ultimately) be fired. That way, he'll be our perfect savior f o r e v e r It's pretty genius actually.

Remember, it was WE who imagined him hungry for the job. It was WE who voraciously read between the lines when Burke uttered such juicily "ambiguous" morsels as:

"I love Anaheim. I love the Ducks. I love the Samueli's. I'm literally in love with them. I go to the beach in February. I have a contract with the beach. I am never leaving!"

A-ha! We all cried! Proof of his Leafs love! ACC here he comes!

So where do the Leafs go from here? Normally a cliche like "back to the drawing board" would apply, but as anyone whose been following the goings on of MLSE for any length of time knows, they don't have a drawing board of which to return.

Luckily I have this book that will help us. It's a terrific read, I highly recommend it! It's the exciting tale of three plucky teens, who, with the aid of their African guide, Umbuutu, help you navigate through lost cities guarded by armed rebels, and across bottomless mountain chasms in search of the most elusive of treasure: A good Leafs GM.

There are 36 possible endings to the story! Depending on how carefully you choose, you may find yourself in some of these situations:

  • You help convince Wings Assistant GM Jim Nill that Steve Yzerman is a diamond smuggler who wants his job. You trick Stevie Y into giving his loot to an orphanage. Nill takes the Leafs job, rewarding you by trading up to get Steve Stamkos.
  • You find yourself lost in the Pit of Souls where you come across Ron Hextall with his resume in his hand. You tell him he's too inexperienced, so he stabs you with a stalactite, killing you instantly.
  • You come across a sign on a treacherously foggy mountain road that points to the right as the only safe route. You flip it over, so now it points left. Then a tour bus carrying Peddie, Tenenbaum and the Ontario teachers comes along and follows its directions. The bus plunges into a ravine presumably killing everyone on board. The Leafs win the Cup the next spring.
  • You see Neil Smith approaching you on the sidewalk. You cross the street to avoid him.
  • Howard Berger walks up to you at a party and wants to speak with you. You suddenly have to take a call on your cell for the next year and a half.
You see? A real page turner! I can't put it down! Recommended for ages 10 and up.

4 comments:

Moose said...

Holy shit...choose your own adventure books...brilliant.

A guy like that has more to lose (in his mind) by taking the job and failing, than he does to gain. I mean where do you go from genius? Super genius? Wiley Coyote already has that locked up.

It's a 3 year rebuild, which also means 3 years of second guessing from Cox, Simmons, Berger, et al. In Anaheim, the beat writer from the OC Daily Grocer just wants to know his thoughts on Fuji Apples.

Navin Vaswani said...

we should have seen it coming, but i still didn't. burke was a foregone conclusion as the next GM to me. but i'm an idiot.

man i used to LOVE those books, and this one sounds like the best read EVER. you need to publish that shit, for real.

Loser Domi said...

hehe choose your own adventure--go for it!

Jaredoflondon said...

I loved those books. Nothing better than a book you can cheat at.