Thursday, July 16

Q AMPERSAND A

I get a lot of fan mail here at He Score, He Shoot!. Hockey guys mostly, shut ins, some sluts; long time listeners, first time writers. They fawn a lot, which is nice. There is something though that every single one of the literally tens of letters I have gotten have in common: they all ask me if I hate Ottawa as much as I write I do.

You just can't
, they write. It's unhealthy to be filled with that kind of blah blah blah, they reason. Massive coronary, they warn. Using a lot of words and sentences that end in exclamation points. I write these fans back, sometimes in my own blood, sometimes in others' and tell them that they should mind their own goddamned fuckin' asshole business.

But seeing as everyone has asked and seeing as we're a few weeks removed from the chummed waters of free agent signings. With all the interesting stories already written and the fear that Kaberle could turn into this summer's Sundin. His where, when and for what replacing last summer's will he, won't he, why wouldn't he? as most annoying by- line.
And there being a really obscene amount of times between posts here at HS/HS. Let me answer the question honestly and objectively.

Ottawa: Oh , How I Hate Ye

It was this Canada Day where I really enjoyed the Dany Heatley saga. Because I was imagining those filthy bastards. The whole crusty-healed throng sitting on the 'hill', wondering aloud, "les odeurs d'air comme farts, uh?". Shaking their fists in between polite applause for the entertainment. Between those kids who dance from Otter Lake and that girl fiddler, just after their hit of angel dust or Molson Canadian (or whatever gets them through their day) they'd bemoan.
"That godamn 'Eatley.'
"I hate dat godamn guy, me." Someone would answer.
"Dat friggin guy." Another would say.
"....godamn Murray." They'd all say in unison, raising their fists like they're the gold and bronze medalists (respectively) of the 200 metres at the 1968 summer games in Mexico City.
"That guy's an arsehole." Someone would yell.

Max Keeping would be onstage saying gidday and wearing something embarrassing. You can bet that at some point in the afternoon you were going to hear him lisp, "Ladies and Gentlemen... The Nylons!"

J.J Clarke, (my 2nd most hated Clarke after Bobby) would be standing on Sparks Street telling the people watching at home that it's sweater weather and to be wary of the wind chill, and that, oh yeah, that OC Transpo has a special ride all day for $25 Canada Day promotion so there is no reason to drive and drive.
The look of panic on J.J's face as obvious as a neon coldsore, and the flop sweat pooling around his neck suggest that J.J. has already had too many 7 and 7's.
(I've heard that he lost all his money investing in a Planet Hollywood in Manotick.) Whatever it is, J.J. looks like a man who took a very hard kick to a very fat stomach.

Somewhere near the CJOH van Chris Neil would be selling cigarettes to school kids and bullying others. The sleeves of his too-tight jean jacket would be pushed up as he'd yell "2 for flinching!" at the passerby.

And it would be there, close enough to hear the skateboarders not landing any tricks at the War Memorial that you could close your eyes and take it all in; Ottawa: A loud roar of nitrate, trans-fatty acid and Pepsi burps.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're a douchebag. Making fun of people for their French accent? Good work fuck face.

Leaf fan in Toronto

Down Goes Brown said...

Epic.

"And it would be there, close enough to hear the skateboarders not landing any tricks at the War Memorial ..."

You've definitely spent some time here.

Anthony Woods said...

Now I wish I'd have been to Ottawa to hate them even more. Bandwagoners make my colon swell and Ottawa fans are some of the worst offenders. People who pick their favorite team by what the default teams are for "Quick Game" in NHL 09 are the TRUE douchebags.....even the ones with accents

Norte said...

Hey Anonymous - you are absolutely correct; French people should only be made fun of if A) they're retarded or B)ugly.
I stand corrected.

signed, Norte aka Fuck Face.

Norte said...

Hey Anthony Woods - you and your swollen colon are correct...can you please tell anonymous about it...better yet...just show him.

Greener said...

Annonymous, I don't think the guy yelling "Arsehole" had a French accent.

Moose said...

I think you guys are being a bit harsh on Anonymous. I mean we can certainly all agree that Norte is in fact a douchebag, a fuck face, AND he does good work.

kidkawartha said...

What they say is true, Fuck Face. The Senators and their fans are a corpuscelent, dripping disease that can only be truly appreciated up close, where you can actually hear the words coming out of their mouths. I was on a casual date once in Kanata and we decided to go to that awful "Irish" pub in the mall. The vapid blonde hostess handed me a draw entry and asked me if I would like to win Sen's tickets. I looked at her with disbelief and said "why in the hell would I be interested in seeing a Sen's game?" and flipped the entry back on to the hostess stand. She went into shock, and I could see Mr. mouth-breathing bouncer flexing his brain trying to decide whether to throw me out or not. What little common sense he had won the day, and we spent the night surrounded by sleazy Ottawa tweens.

Lowetide said...

I see your Anonymous is as coherent, well spoken and patient as the rest of the internet. Although A. is a pain in the ass, I plan to use "good work fuck face" in a complete sentence as soon as is humanly possible.

Norte said...

You know who I miss everybody? Anonymous.

general borschevsky said...

Eh, what is fucking shit, Norte-man? Moi, je dit non, je dit I hate dat godamn guy, me.

Norte said...

Bonjour Général - hé l'homme, votre farts odeur comme des ventilateurs de base-ball.

signals3_t5 said...

this is very general

you are right


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