Tuesday, March 18

Kyle Wellwood: Metaphor

Carlo Colaiacovo got slew footed by Buffalo's Drew Stafford on Saturday night, and naturally, because it's Carlo Colaiacovo, and he plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs, it meant he blew out his knee. Every Most knee injuries occur when the knee is bent against the joint. Seeing as I'm a doctor, I can safely say I've never seen one which occurred when the knee was bent in the forward, natural direction. The reason for this is because it's Colaiacovo and he plays for the Leafs. At this rate, Bobby Orr's knee's are better than Colaiacovo's. If Carlo were a race horse, by now they'd have collected a bunch of his sperm and shot him.

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Yesterday I asked Norte to come up with a new poll for our new feature, "The Poll". He sent me something which was funny and well written, the only problem being that it was about Kyle "The Play Dies With Me" Wellwood. I told him we should think of something else because I didn't want to have the poll feature just used to rip on Wellwood; that's what the main blog is for.

I'm delighted to re-announce the great news from Saturday: That Kyle Wellwood's considerable ass was nailed to the low - straining from the weight - end of the Leafs bench against the Sabres, in a radical new move that Paul Maurice is trying out called, "PLAYER ACCOUNTABILITY". I know, I know, I had trouble fathoming it too. Apparently, if I've read my hockey Wiki properly, "Player Accountability" is when a coach of a hockey team rewards or punishes a player based on what they do or don't do on the ice. Are you following me? The "logic" being that if the player is rewarded, then they will do more of whatever they're doing and less if they are punished. Phew, my head is spinning. So say, someone like Kyle Wellwood, who I wouldn't put on the third line of the Marlies, is completely unprofessional, doesn't work-out in the off-season, doesn't strengthen his girly groin, and is so soft on the puck that he's now being represented by "Hanes Her Way". He plays like shit, doesn't compete, gives away the puck every time he has it. The Coaches gambit is, he doesn't get to skate until he plays better? Paul Maurice: Jack Adams Trophy Winner.

From here, there is no way Kyle comes back to the Leafs next year. Now, I know what you're gonna say, "But Greener, I love to blow raspberries on his puffy little cheeks!What will I do?!" To which I'll reply, "Then go get a nephew like everyone else." He is exactly what Cliff Fletcher wants to do away with on this team; uninspired, insipid, only occasionally good, and soft. Kyle Wellwood has the indistiction of becoming a metaphor for everything that has hamstrung the Leafs for three seasons. When Norte was writing about the fire that the Leafs once had, the Leafs which everyone HATED to play against, he was speaking about everything that Wellwood isn't. Will Kyle have some market value this summer? Probably a little, paired with a prospect or a draft choice. Will he after a month of no-shows next November? I wouldn't bet a single, battered fist on it.

6 comments:

Chemmy said...

Wellwood has been absolutely terrible, but the thing is he's still an RFA. A team isn't going to take a chance on him this summer because they could get him as a reclamation project next summer for nothing.

The Leafs should sign Wellwood to a one year deal for league minimum and tell him if he doesn't show up to camp in crazy shape he's not playing.

Navin Vaswani said...

so much wellwood-hating...lol...

give him one more shot, for me...............

Norte said...

Re: Kyle Wellwood - 2 shots.

Me shooting him in the stomach and then getting arrested for attempted murder.

Steve said...

I hate to argue you with you, but the other thing the Leafs lack (besides toughness) is ANYONE WITH ANY SKILL WHATSOEVER.

While Kyle might be completely risk averse when it comes to physical contact, he is probably the most creative guy on the roster. He needs to work out more in the offseason obviously. But he isn't something we should toss aside... yet.

Greener said...

I agree, Steve. Kyle is super skilled, and that's one reason I get so frustrated with him. Because he has that skill-set, I expect more from him than I do others. John Pohl hasn't done much either, but I don't rail on him because I don't feel he's let the Leafs down; he's doing only what he can. The same can't be said, in my opinion at least, of Kyle.

Big Fat Greek said...

Can someone write something funny, heartwarming and poignant about the Oilers improbable cinderella story? Cynical, sickening and cruel would also be acceptable.

Thanks.