Sunday, March 30

Richard Peddie Interviewed On HNIC. Take Me Away From All This Death

Moneyed vampire Richard Peddie descended from his castle atop Witch Mountain Saturday to waste the time of speak with CBC's Elliotte Friedman. Elliotte, who has the most feminized male name I've ever seen, sat in horror for 6 and a half minutes, as Peddie spoke of his lust for money and the automatic autonomy the winner of the TML GM sweepstakes will most certainly get.

Peddie, seen here arriving for the interview, also said things like "I never drink...wine", and commented on how a pack of howling wolves outside were "...de children of the night!"
Friedman, his throat tightening, wondered aloud if Peddie had ever heard the hew and cry from Leafs fans who just wish that he would disappear. Peddie indignantly defended himself by saying, "De billagers! They will ne-ber know of my exquisite tortures!" At which point Gord "Renfield" Kirke rushed out and shoved a handful of spiders into Peddie's mouth.

Washing them down with a bejeweled goblet filled with twonies, Peddie said that the interview process for the GM's job hasn't even begun. Obviously suggesting that there is only one man they want for the job, and they have to wait until the playoffs are over to talk to him. Any other "candidates" can swing in the wind until August, by which time Peddie, Kirke and Walking Dead charter member Larry Tenenbaum will surely have alienated said #1 choice by asking him how much money he's got on him right at that moment.

Friedman then brought up the Forbes magazine piece from last November which stated that the Maple Leafs are basically worth half a billion dollars. Peddie got a crazy gleam in his eye, threw back his head laughing and said, "Aahhhhh, Elliotte my dear... that article you refer to, that is in my personal spank-bank!" Gord Kirke, on his hands and knees, then squealed, "Ha ha ha, good one Master! You spank to half a billion dollars!"

"Enough!" screamed Peddie, causing Gord Kirke to wet himself.
"It is time, Friedman..." said Peddie, "...to get from you what I truly desire!"
Friedman clutched valiantly at his throat. "No, Dracul! You will never drink from my body!" he said.
Peddie laughed. "You fool. That is for not what I crave!"
Peddie raised a clawed hand. Friedman held himself more closely, fearing the worst. There seemed to be a power, an energy, coming from Peddie's outstretched collection of talons. Suddenly, there was a ferocious tugging at Friedman's pants. As Gord Kirke howled hysterically, Elliotte's wallet violently came away from his pants pocket. It flew across the room and sailed into the waiting, sweaty paw of Richard Peddie. Peddie examined it's contents: $13, and a Roll Up the Rim to Win coupon.
Pocketing the lot, Peddie said, "Ahhh, Friedman, this will add nicely to my collection!"
"But..." sputtered Friedman.
"SILENCE!" screamed Peddie, causing Gord Kirke to wet himself again.
Peddie began to laugh. It started in his belly, moved up into his throat and then to his lips. Before it seemed he could laugh no harder, his body started to convulse, and an instant later, Peddie had transformed himself into a bat!
"Reet! Reet!" said Peddie, as he flapped his vascular skin flaps, and sailed out of the window.
"Wait for me, Master!" yelled Gord Kirke, as he ran and flung himself and his now soaking wet trousers out of the same window.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

10 comments:

Loser Domi said...

Ok, so the phrase "Spank-bank" must somehow work it's way into my vocabulary now.

Greener said...

It probably needs to be.

Navin Vaswani said...

lol...well done, as always

Greener said...

Thanks Nav.

Moose said...

For some reason, I'm imagining that the word "Billagers" was born from another Greener skit about Jaromir Jagr and Dominik Hasek going for BBQ in NY. I'm just saying.

Greener said...

Dude, that's just some good BBQ! I'm just saying.

Norte said...

Dallas B-B-Q, the corner of Second and St Mark's Place...thats all I'm saying.

Chemmy said...

You're a complete maniac Greener.

That's not a bad thing, I'm just saying.

Down Goes Brown said...

If Peddie is really a vampire, shouldn't he have died years ago when he was repeatedly exposed to Cory Cross?

Jaredoflondon said...

The mental picture of Peddie hissing and turning into a bat to escape everytime Cory Cross entered the room makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt.

I am easily entertained.