Tuesday, September 23

Kyle Wellwood Finishes Dinner, NHL Career

There's a popular- I don't know what it is- saying, phrase, feeling, that we as Leafs fans have when we banish someone from the paradisaical planes of Leafs Kingdom. It's based in part upon wise experience, and part in self-hating fantasy. It goes something, but only something, like this: "He'll for sure come back to haunt us." Sound familiar? Of course it does.

This is something of a birthright for Leafs fans. We've earned the ability to utter something so entirely self-defeating. The Leafs are a team well known for squandering assets based on any number of criteria: From the necessary (Bryan McCabe trade), to the desperate (Tuukka Rask for Andrew Raycroft), to the heinously stupid (The entire Ballard regime). It's partly the fear that your team has made a terrible mistake, and partly a basic insecurity in all of us, like when you don't want your ex to find anyone better than you. Although that's never happened to me. Am I right, ladies? Ladies? Ladies!?

I believe western Canadian scientists have found the antidote to this common Leaf-based affliction, and its name is Kyle Wellwood.

As reported on CBC, TSN and a Jenny Craig location near you, the former apple pie of my eye has done the unthinkable, and by unthinkable, I mean everything I predicted for Kyle since last year: he's shown up to another NHL training camp fat, out-of-shape, and as one Canucks executive said while dry-heaving into a garbage pail, "Oh my God... our second line center!"

Kyle, seen here doing his off-season training, saved his father from throwing him under the bus this year, instead replacing him with Canucks head coach Alain Vigneault. Vigneault went public with his concerns about Wellwood's lack of fitness and commitment to being a pro hockey player, in an attempt to light a fire under Kyle. Let me tell you something, Kyle Wellwood sitting on top of a solid rocket booster, is not enough fire under this guy to get him motivated.

When asked for a comment after news of Vigneault's unhappiness leaked, Kyle simply stated that he knows he'll have to improve his conditioning, adding, "Is 48% body fat really too much?"

However, there are those in the Canucks organization not unhappy with Wellwood in the blue and green. The ladies who provide the team with all their meals and snacks think he's a real delight:

"What a darling..." said one. "...he said he loves the way I do me celery sticks with peanut butter and raisins on top! He told me he keeps some in his glove during practices."
"Same thing Elvis did!" said her friend.

17 comments:

Loser Domi said...

Also from the Kyle Wellwood kitchen--using barbecue potato chips as Shake-n-Bake on pork chops

eyebleaf said...

greener, love your work.

Norte said...

ladies?

Greener said...

"Ladies"

Connie said...

48% body fat? Do you think his organs cry at night? What if he could actually hear the sobbing of his organs? Do you think he'd be motivated then?

eyebleaf said...

connie, probably not. nothing motivates kyle wellwood. well, except food. but other than that, nothing.

Greener said...

Hey Nav, thanks! Means a lot.

Baroque said...

Simple.

Tell him that the opposing goalie is hiding donuts and pork rinds in the net, and you won't be able to keep him away from the goal-scoring areas!

Either that or Vancouver could just build a much cheaper center out of marshmallows and gumdrops.

Norte said...

Greener, I believe they prefer the term lady-boys.

Connie said...

Marshmallows and gumdrops? Sounds scrumptious!

wrap around curl said...

So, has enough time passed I could perhaps make a Wellwood for the new spokesperson for Trim Spa joke?

"Like me bodyyyyyy?"

Greener said...

My god Heath, the mind boggles at that!

Loser Domi said...

wrap, does that mean he'll overdose in a hotel room now?

wellycanuck said...

leaf fans are disrespectfull. don't u feel stupid now, and i bet u want him back considering that he has more goals then any of the laffs do now. maybe if u stoped makin fun of him he would hav played for ur team. he's a fan fav in van now. and he ain't done scoring yet. now we hav sunny wow toronto sucks we have there two best ex players lol. i hope he made u eat ur words cause if ur makin fun of his weight then u obviously hav to eat somethin. comin on straving ur self is sucide

Greener said...

Wellycanuck you can have him. You and Trevor Linden better hope they don't build a Tim Horton's between Wellwoods' house and your rink. Sorry, let me make this easier for you to understand: "ur rink".

As for Sundin, great player. And, lets see...he should be in game shape right around March. And 38 years old. Have fun with that!

Anonymous said...

Tell me, how did it feel to have the heart and soul of your organization over the past decade plus score the ot winner against your already deflated group of pylons that you call a hockey team? detail is encouraged. Oh, and i'll take kyle wellwood as a third-line center over any centerman your shitty team can offer. I love the stench of a bitter leafs fan, and i love that your team continues to sh|t the bed year after year...

Chang said...

Cool!