Saturday, October 4

LIKE WINE, GREENER GETS MORE EXPENSIVE WITH AGE AND STINKS THE LONGER HE'S KEPT IN AN OAK BARRELL

If I could just get your attention...everyone...(clinks fork aggressively on glass) everyone...I would like to take a moment to mention something about our very own Greener. Forgive me for taking time out of your busy schedules.
What can you say about a man like Greener? Talented writer, great friend, terrific brother...no, nothing like that...but you can say that today he celebrates the day his mother could no longer carry his parasitic ass around in her stomach.
That's right, today is his birthday.
Right now in some shitty bar, some shitty band is singing Today Is Your Birthday, shittily directly to him. And Greener no matter what your age - you are always gonna be the prettiest girl in the room to most of us...not me mind you - but others. The gay ones with vision issues primarily.

It's either very new cheese or very old meat
.
Anybody who knows me knows I love three things; the Leafs, old Halloween candy and Greener. Quite frankly, you already know this is a blog about the Leafs/Oilers, so that gets the hockey angle out of the way. The fact is this is because of Greener, what I am writing and what you are reading. Because in italics- because of Greener, you are reading this post; on this blog which exists because of Greener. And in many confusing and sinister ways you could say that its because of Greener that I have my sparkling smile that dazzles you when we meet.

However I would rather talk about his quality posts (when he can be bothered to pick up his 24 carat pen) which are always funny and thoughtfully well written, timed perfectly with only a soupcon of gay that never undermines his actual hockey knowledge. That's Greener for you. He's just like that pretty gospel song about Jesus I can't remember the name of...He lays it all out on the line, every time.

In all honesty without him at the helm of the ship that is the HS HS/HS there would be no forum, other than bathroom stalls, to claim his greatness. (For those of you who may have read some of those posts, if you took down his number, I can still guarantee that, if you call him, he will provide a good time. ps. Just in case any of you were wondering, Greener, like Moose, speaks Greek.) But - a birthday, like a roast or a best man's speech, is one of the few times you get to burn someone you like this much, as much.

As the less than stellar Lennon-McCartney couplet said today is your birthday We're gonna have a good time, I'm glad it's your birthday - Happy birthday to you.

...having said that... the fact that you are yet another year older than me fills me with a kind of warm gooey embrace like living in an egg. An egg created by your anger and confusion (the white parts) over the tone of my tome, and the bitter betrayal you feel because of my delicious yellow yolk of words.

I was brought up to never kick a horse when its down but then I thought, forget about that shit.

Greener is now at any age where he has nothing left to learn the hard way and proves everyday to us and to himself that enthusiasm and 'trying real hard' will always triumph over actually possessing any talent.

Greener is like being a virtuoso on the recorder.

I am not sure of his exact age, I know it lies between Exhibition Stadium old and sending money to PBS old. He's like lukewarm old.
Truth be told, most of us our just counting the days until he starts talking to us about liniment.

You know Greener just had a birthday when you compliment him on his alligator shoes and then realize he's barefoot.

I don't mean to infer that Greener is old but he did take Katherine Helmond's virginity.

Savagely.

So please everybody from this day forward you will have to forgive Greener because as he's the first to tell you his memory is not as sharp as it used to be, also his memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also he wanted me to mention to stay off his lawn.

8 comments:

PPP said...

Happy Birthday Mr. Spielberg!

eyebleaf said...

Joyeux Anniversaire, Greener!

Connie said...

its because of Greener that I have my sparkling smile that dazzles you when we meet.

Greener tried to get you to do zoom whitening too?? Geez, that guy...


Merry Christmas, Greener!

Loser Domi said...

Happy Easter, Greener! Any excuse to drink champagne (or other alcohol), I suppose

Just remember,whatever you do, Lil Lindros is silently judging you

Jaredoflondon said...

Happy Birthday Dude!
Beware of any man sized cakes, Chemmy hasn't been seen much lately....

wrap around curl said...

Happy birthday. I raise my glass to a classy gent.

Moose said...

Standing O? Yes, for you Norte..."...alligator shoes..."

That was pure class.

Greener said...

Thank you, my friends, I'm crazy about all of you! Also, hello Moose.