Monday, August 13

From First to Worst

Seeing as Moose and Norte have taken the time to create their NHL Dream Team, I was super gung-ho on doing my own...for 3 seconds. Until I realized that beyond some disparities, it'd just basically be a combination of both lists; but more like Norte's, as his was funny and comprehensive, and Moose's was just all Oilers with a couple of 70's Habs thrown on for color. You'd just read it and go, "wow, the other guy chose Gretzky as his #1 center too! How readable!" So, I'm just going to flip it.
Moose created his 82-0 squad, so here is a squad I think would go 0-82. The worst team possible. What should I call them...hmm, I don't know, just for no reason, how about "The Moose"?
As you'll see, there are many reasons for my nominations: lack of talent, waste of talent, locker room/chemistry killer, bitch, etc. Some guys are bad, some are "good", but they all have one thing in common: they suck my balls. I'm sure you get it. Have "fun".

Forwards: Line 1:

C- Brent Gretzky
RW- Alexandre Daigle
LW- Marc Crawford

You can just hear the Esposito brothers at the '92 draft talking about Brent:

Phil: "Yo, we gotta da next pick atta number-a 49. Lets take-a da Gretzky kid!"

Tony: "Eh, yo, ah don-no, I hear he's no Wayne!"

Phil: "Eh ca-man, Tone-Provalone, how bad could he be?!"

Bad. When the best thing in your hockey career is playing brother #2 in a cereal commercial, you officially suck balls.

Daigle sucks so amazingly because he has talent but absolutely no heart. None. None at all. Nano-bots pump his watery blood through his body. How can you not fail when, before you've played one NHL minute, you start your career with hubris when you say, "Nobody remembers the #2 pick." Um, well, I remember him. His name is Chris Pronger, and he won the Stanley Cup two months ago.

They say that good players make bad coaches; That bad players coach the best...the exception being Mark Crawford. A bad player and bad coach. The man who put Ray Bourque in the shootout for Team Canada in the '98 Olympics instead of Gretzky. A man whose voice is so high and reedy, if you were in a car with him, you wouldn't be able to hear him because his vocal chords vibrate at the same frequency as 4 steel-belted radial tires.

Forwards: Line 2:

C- Jeremy Roenick
LW- Anson Carter
RW- Mariusz Czerkawski

Where to start with Roenick. A great player, but someone who only cares about himself, and his place in history. He wasted an entire season with the Kings -who brought him in with great expectation- because, get ready for it, HE COULDN'T GET HIS SKATES PROPERLY SHARPENED.

"I was never able to get my skates cut at the angle I need,” Roenick lamented. “I need a different angle than most players, and I never could get my skates sharpened the way I need them and that really messed up my skating. It’s the biggest reason I haven’t been able to get untracked.”

That's a quote. His nothing season effectively killed Andy Murray's job behind the Kings bench. They fired him and brought in Marc Crawford. See above. Roenick gets scratched from games and then leaves the team to go to a restaurant for steak and wine. The Kings then waive him. Somewhere, Hobey Baker begins to cry.

Carter. Disinterested, bored, and lazy. Came to the Kings in 2003/4, played 15 games, and got a point. One point. A single point. ANYONE could go out there and get one point. The puck bounces off you and you get a point! He then went to Vancouver and played with the Sedins. Scored 33 goals with their help. Held out next season, didn't re-sign with them. Maybe he thought the Sedins were moving to Columbus, because that's where he ended up. 10 goals. Nice.

Mariusz Czerkawski. Former Leaf, former Oiler, current loser. Speed, accurate shot, invisible man. Could play, but just doesn't want to. Doesn't really care what happens at work every day. He makes being a loser boring.

Forwards: Line 3:

Chris Gratton
Keith Tkachuk
RW- Colton Orr

Gratton. What an unbelievable waste. A number three pick, he had (has) it all: Size, hands, talent, and A LOT of frequent flyer miles between all the teams he's played for. Does he just not care? Does he just want to get by, cash a cheque and that's it? The answer is yes.

So many people covet
Keith Tkachuk, and I don't know why. He can't win anything, and he never will. Does he look like a captain to you? Not to me. He talks like a winner and never delivers. The type of guy who'd disappear for a year because he couldn't get his stick taped properly.

Colton Orr. Simply can not play hockey.

Forwards: Line: 4:

C- Mike Comrie
LW- Robert Reichel
RW- Cummy Burton

Mike Comrie acts and plays like he was rich growing up. Guess what? He was. He's a little rich-bitch who will never find an NHL home. Teams know about him now, and he will see a lot of 1 year deals for the rest of his "career". This guy is like some shit.

Robert Reichel. After a good start in Calgary, he soon found his dreary form, and wasted a couple of Leafs years. Rob Reichel is the hockey equivalent of ordering a beer in a bar and getting a bowl of cream-of-wheat.

Cummy Burton. You heard me. Cummy Burton.

Hey look, it's Cummy

Defense: Line 1:

LD - Cory Cross
RD- Marty Howe

When he was with the Leafs, I feared for our very franchise every time he went near the puck. Slipped through the cracks at every level. Moose and I have talked about him a lot; we shipped him to the Rangers and they dumped (duped) him over to the Oilers. Moose feels the same as I do, and let me tell you, that never happens.

Was Marty Howe the one with the moustache? It doesn't really matter, because karmically, he was. When your dad is known as Mr. Hockey, you should really try and end up being Mr. Insurance or Mr. Hardware Supply. I would trust Colleen with the puck before him. The Howe family equivalent of Keith Gretzky.

Defense: Line 2:

LD - Gary Suter
RD- Darius Kaspairitis

Somewhere, right at this moment, Gary Suter is cutting someones face open with a high stick. The thing is, he's probably in a movie theater. Hey Wayne, how's your back? Paul, how's your jaw? Here he is trying to chop Andre Lomakin's head off:

Does anyone get less respect from his peers -well, besides Moose- than Darius Kaspairitis? Reviled by players, he brings his whole team down with his assholeness. When you're on a team with a guy like this it's depressing because you know you're going to have to scrum with the opposition to defend him, when in fact you don't blame them for wanting to kill him. He's also here in the hopes that Suter will cross check him in the back during practice and Kaspairitis will then kick his head in.

Defense: Line 3:

LD- Stan Neckar
RD - Lance Pitlick

Can anyone in the world tell me why these two guys were in the NHL? Did they do anything to make a team better? I thought not. If a hockey team is like a house, then Stan Neckar and Lance Pitlick are beige carpeting.


Patrick Lalime
Roman Chechmanek

This could have been easier. I could have chosen any number of Hardy Astrom types who played a brutal stand-up style in an era full of bad goaltending. But I'm going to a more modern level of bad.

Patrick Lalime. Proto-typical Ottawa Senators choker; looks fine for a while, but then, uh-oh, it's ham sandwich time! His death-knell came to me as the soothing game call of ESPN's Steve Levy when he screamed after Lalime's SECOND allowed goal, and Joe Nieuwendyk's FIRST of the opening frame, "...and it's getting away from La-lime early!" True story: When I'm feeling at my worst, when I feel like I'm at my absolute lowest, I think of that, and I start to laugh.

I saw Chechmanek play a lot when he was with the Kings. Every time he went to play the puck, 20,000 people at the Staples center gasped in anticipation of another brutal turnover for a goal. To say that the flags were at half mast upstairs with ole' Roman would be putting it lightly. Lets just say that right now he's living with his Mother in Gottwaldov, likes sitting in the sun in the garden, and drinks a lot of milky tea.

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