Monday, December 17

Chris Simon Leaves Team, Will Be Dropped on Iraq

Thoughtful bon vivant Chris Simon was given a paid leave of absence yesterday by the gentlemen's club he belongs to, to, you know, do his thing, travel a little, and just find himself. I've had jobs in the past where I wanted to do all those things. I should have known that all you had to do to get that was to try to chop someones foot off.

Maybe this is a little TMI, but I've never even thought about it. Never have I been at work and thought, "You know what needs to happen right here? A foot needs to get chopped off!" Not once have I ever dreamed of it. I'm sorry everyone. Your disappointment in me is punishment enough.

There is some debate so far as to how many games Simon will have to lose to pay for his latest act of criminal-genius insanity. Ken, over at the always excellent Hockey Narrative has a great post about the whole incident, and how that debate is shaping up. He suspects that Simon will get nailed, not just because of the nature of the action, but how the whole hockey world is rallying around common sense to condemn Simon's anti-footwork.

Personally I think this is the end of Simon's career. Read up on what he's been suspended for, you'll be shocked. He has a long history of on-ice viciousness. In fact, I think he actually killed and ate Sjohn Podein. If they made a movie about him, it'd get a hard 'R' for excessive violence and it'd be called, "Blood Hunter". Or, "Blood Hunter 2: Kill Shot". Or, "Oh God, He Just Chopped My Foot Off!". No one under the age of 100 allowed without parent.
No matter how many off-ice praises Charles Wang, Ted Nolan and Garth Snow heap on him, the fact is, Chris Simon is a fucking menace in a hockey rink, and for every ten goals he scores he has to try and end someones career/life. I am all for tolerance and second chances, but this is ridiculous. At this rate, I doubt this guy could even be a Philadelphia Flyer.

The horribleness of the crime was really brought home to me by the usually level headed Moose who said to me when we first heard of it, "I'm all for something terrible happening to Jarkko Ruutu, but this is too much." He then went on to say, "Greener, I so, so respect you as a man, a writer and as a hockey player. In fact, I love you. I really, really love you!" True story.

So lets see what happens. The pressure is major on Colin Campbell to get this right. I say Simon gets the season. Then next year, he'll look great in a Nottingham Panthers uniform.

4 comments:

Norte said...

I cant even fucking believe what I am seeing. He's done as far as I am concerned.

Moose said...

No, no, no, what I said was: I really respect Jarkko Ruutu, and I'm all for something bad happening to...well, whatever. Honest mistake.

Loser Domi said...

Which moive would be more appropriate to quote here: Saw (any) or Hostel? I haven't seen either in their wholeness, so you can select.

Jonathan said...

Ironically, Simon was drafted by the Flyers.

Simon has been involved in numerous on-ice incidents and has been suspended eight times for his conduct.[1][2]

In 1997, during a game against the Edmonton Oilers, Simon allegedly addressed forward Mike Grier as a "nigger" to Grier's face in response to comments about his Native heritage. Although the spoken words were never confirmed, he was suspended three games as a result of the incident.[2] The two were later teammates for a brief time in 2002 with the Washington Capitals.

Simon was suspended for one game in a 2000 playoff series against Pittsburgh for cross checking Peter Popovic across the throat. He was given two-game suspensions once in April 2001 for elbowing Anders Eriksson, and twice in 2004 for cross checking Tampa Bay's Ruslan Fedotenko and then jumping on and punching him, and for kneeing Dallas's Sergei Zubov.

That's before Hollweg and Ruutu.