Thursday, March 20

The Norris Trophy, In Four Easy Steps

You know I once yanked my hamstring out. It was during a game that Moose and my team had to win in order to get into the playoffs. I was having one of those "awesome" games. The kind of game you refer back to when you're having one of those "shitty" games. You know the kind; the kind where you're like, really, really shitty. During those games you try and talk yourself back by saying amazingly inspiring things like, "Remember that game when I was awesome?", etc.

So it was one of those. It was the second period, I already had a goal and an assist, and I hadn't lost a draw. We were in the offensive zone and I was going to the corner when the puck took a weird turn away from me. I went to pivot the same direction of the puck while a little something called the Newtonian laws of physics demanded I keep going in a straight line. And you know who paid the price for my anti-science stance? My Adductor Magnus, that's who.

Remember when you were a kid and your mom got something that had been wrapped in a really big elastic band, and you got to play with it, shooting it everywhere? You loved that little elastic. It just seemed like there was nothing you and that elastic couldn't, wouldn't or shouldn't do with each other. You were the best of pals. Then one time you were going to fire it at something and it just broke. Right in your hand, just, *snap*. That was it. Fun's over. THAT's how it was when my hamstring went. It felt bad. Not bad like -I'm dying from all the pain I'm in- bad. More like -the human body shouldn't feel weird like this- bad.So what did I do? I hobbled to the bench, got out a roll of stick tape and did about 50 laps around my right thigh with it, as tight as I could get it. My muscle wanted out, but I had a championship to win. I went back out, scored again, won all my draws and had a winger on our team put it in our own net in the final minute to lose the game. The point I'm making is that I am a Patti Smyth level warrior, and Carlo Colaiacovo has continued his Evel Knievel like charge to maim every part of his body before the age of 26. Carlo is so good and he used to be so fun to watch. But now when he plays it's like you feel lucky when he gets up after getting rocked...or after rocking someone else. You're all, "Look everyone! He made it!" like he'd returned from some impossible suicide mission that's so crazy it just might work. Similar to when the Leafs had Lindros, or when Washingtron posts on the blog.

So I'm here to help, Carlo, because I've been there. I'm providing to you a set of instructional photos designed not just to help you regain you mobility, but to help you stay flexible as a preventative so that this never has to happen again. After all, you have a lot of other body parts to injure...I see a pretty undamaged orbital bone!

This person isn't me, BTW. Not that I look totally dissimilar to her, although I'm not 5'4, not kind of pan-Asian looking or a quarter Mexican. And I've never done any fitness modeling. And I'm a man. So actually, I look totally dissimilar to this person. Although my legs are as smooth and shapely.

Step 1
Carlo, assume this natural position

Step 2
Carlo, please stretch both your hands to the left. No, your left

Step 3
OK, now stretch your hands to your ri OH GODDAMN IT CARLO, PAY ATTENTION!

Step 4
Win Norris Trophy

Well that's it Carlo! And great job to everyone working out at home. Do these exercises every day for the rest of you career, and bring home the first Norris trophy to the Leafs since, well, ever. Remember, these exercises will help people in all walks of life. The hamstrings are used every day, in activities ranging from walking, to moonwalking. So get cracking Carlo. Good luck, and we'll see you at training camp in September!


Jaredoflondon said...

Someone get that boy into Pilates.

Chemmy said...

Ow! My groin!