Thursday, June 12

My Sweet Angel: Falls Down, Goes Boom

Thanks to a tip from excellent He Score, He Shoot reader/bar owner/stud, Ian P., I bring you news that our sweetest little kiss in the bunch, Kyle Wellwood, has broken his foot. When reached for comment on the matter, a heartbroken Wellwood expressed sadness that "...this'll throw all my hard, off-season training way off! I mean, right around August or so, I was really gonna go hard at it!" And by that, Kyle means the buffet.

Welly told the press that he broke his foot "warming up" for a game of indoor soccer. Phew, sounds exhausting! It's no real surprise that Kyle broke a bone, because everyone knows that Kyle has the softest skin body work ethic bones around. That's because exercise helps strenghten the human body, like your bones, or your groin.
Never one to actually "work out" or "train hard" or "not take his career playing pro hockey for granted", it looks like it'll be just another summer in cottage cheese country for snookums.

Kyle, seen here as an abomination to everything Gary Roberts stands for, obviously hasn't read, say, this blog, or your blog, or even any sky writing anywhere in Southern Ontario. For you see, there's a new Sherriff in town. His name is Ron "Wellwood Will Look Great in Panthers Uniform" Wilson. This here bench boss will soon tire of watching Tubby McWhiteskin there get plumb tuckered out during a game. I mean gee-willikers Pa, doesn't the play die with you every time you touch the puck? Me neither.

I've written about Kyle many times before, and according to Windsorian of the Year Ian P., the opposite of unwell. Have a look at what I wrote on January 28th. Read that, and then look again at the picture above. Those are 5 months apart. I mean Jesus Christ, I'm not asking that Kyle to turn into Dolph Lundgren between then and now, but seriously, when you're an NHL'er, the only thing getting bigger on you between seasons shouldn't be your jowls. Sometimes I hate to be right.

Not all is lost for Kyle though. The Leafs just released the new TML 07/08 season commemorative figurines! Yes! Awesome! Who's going to be the first on their block to bring home a Kyle Wellwood?:

Not like what you see? Would you rather be unimpressed when listening? Then perhaps your next move should be to listen to our latest podcast. Rad, this is just like chess!


general borschevsky said...

Hi Greener. Everything about this post is stunning. I didn't think it was real, but there it is in the Windsor Star and NHL Notebook.
Here's an analogy, I hope you get it:

Kyle Wellwood's shot at redemption = Ottawa Senators playoff chances
Kyle Wellwood's foot = Daniel Alfredsson
Warming up for indoor soccer = Mark Bell

The photo is such classic Wellwood that it can only be destiny. Excellent posts (Jan. 28th incl.)

eyebleaf said...

i can't believe this wasn't reported...

eyebleaf said...

i'm still rootin for welly. i expect big tings from him this season. deep inside, i know you are too.

wellwood for life.

"Dave Schultz" said...

I think your analysis of Wellwood is spot on. Hope Wilson kicks his ass.

Greener said...

General: Thanks so much for your words. They mean a lot. Your analogy is great and really creative.

Nav: You're right, I do hope for Wellwood. I think we discussed this during the season. I rail on Wellwood because he's so talented. But when I see waste like that, and it hurts the Leafs, I write posts like that one.

Dave Schultz: Welcome! Thanks for that. Hope to see you regularly.

Loser Domi said...

dammit, dammit, DAMMIT!

Ian P. said...

Thanks for the props, Greener.

I ended up being a little disappointed with the photo the Windsor Star decided to run. There were a few candidates, all paparazzi style. Unfortunately they opted to go with the PG photo, presumably not to frighten any children.

I'm trying to secure copies of the other two R-rated examples... R for roly-poly. As frightening as the one they ran is, the others are jaw-dropping.

Moose said...

What's more disconerting is the fact he appears to be hanging out at some shitty public/apartment complex pool. Look at that ugly steel fencing and those plastic chairs. Plus, is that the Zagat restaurant guide in his hands? Ah, shit. Can you say "comfort eating".

Heather said...

Uhhhhh. Fail? Ok does he have some sort of brittle bone illness? I have no idea how one injures themselves in that manner. Unless, they are drinking nothing buy Mountain Dew and chomping on Pringles. Depriving oneself of all nutrients. I am going with my second theory.

Loser Domi said...

*looks down shirt*

His tits are bigger than mine! But FYI: mine are perkier.

Greener said...

lol Domi

delaney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
delaney said...

WOW,i just heard about this picture on the oiler game and i can't believe how UNIMPRESSIVE this is, you fucking losers. i don t even like wellwood or the canucks and i just wasted 3minutes searching for this picture. i can guarantee that players without a cast on their foot showed up 4 camp fatter than that this year. penner was over 20lbs overweight last year after signing a huge contract. and by the way, to whoever bragged about gary's easy to keep fat off when you take grade A, BALCO steroids, you idiot. do you really think he put on all that muscle after the age of 30 by changing his diet. use your head.